DP after cancer. We are so out of kilter, I'm sad.

[CuttedUpPear]

I have posted about difficulties with my DP before. We live in separate homes and both have 2 dcs, his are 10 and 12 and live abroad, mine are 15 and 20 and the oldest one is at Uni.

We have been together for 4.5 yrs. A year into our relationship he found he had lung cancer. His doctors thought he wouldn't make it but he has astounded them all by pulling through after chemo and major surgery, with clear scans through the last 18 months to the present day.

DP has recently decided to buy a house with his brother (their mother has given them money to do this) and the plan is that in a few years' time they will rent it out. DP has another house abroad which his XP and DCs live in.
I live in social housing.

We hardly see each other because of work commitments and my DS (15yo) needs a lot of spoon feeding to achieve any results at all in school work - he's going for a SEN assessment this week.

Last weekend DP came (under duress) to a friend's wedding with me. He didn't really get much out of it. He only seems happy when talking about his cancer journey so when he discovered a friend of mine had had cancer last year he spent a lot of time talking to her. It seemed to be the only time he felt comfortable. Another friend is going through breast cancer and he is happy to talk to her too, but only about cancer.

After talking at length to my friend with breast cancer today I am wondering if DP as not moved on from his cancer journey. Please don't flame me for suggesting this, my ill friend actually pointed it out to me. I seem to have fallen down massively in the 'supporting him' stakes during his illness he wanted someone to be with him 24/7 so he spent a lot of time at his mother's house because I am self employed and have to work most weeks, I can't afford time off. This was 250 miles away with no phone signal and only one phone in the hallway that everyone can hear, so no privacy.

We have kind of got over this now but I feel that we are so out of kilter. I could just walk away and he wouldn't notice. We had a break for 2 weeks a year ago and when we got back together it was on the understanding that we would spend more time together; we both wanted this.
That time never really happened and we haven't had a holiday at all, which we really wanted.

I am really sad and confused.

Why does the time together not happen? What goes wrong?

I'm not sure it's anything to do with the Cancer, tbh. From what I have read, it just sounds like spending time with you is something he only wants to do occasionally, when it suits. If you've been to gether 4 and 1/2 years, then I'd have expected longer conversations about where the relationship is/isn't going, about how you can get to be together more literally, etc.

The time together doesn't happen because DP and I both have jobs which have unpredictable schedules. He works in the film industry and if he gets offered work he just has to go; he will then be on 6 day weeks at 16 hrs per day. This happens at a few day's notice. When he as time clear he will be visiting his DCs abroad.

My schedule is a bit easier to arrange but I can't go away for more than a night because of DS at home.

what do you want to happen? i really think you need to think about that.. and have a proper grown up discussion about where this is going and what needs to change and how...

Hi cutteduppear, - I'm sorry you are having problems.

I thought maybe it would be helpful just to give a viewpoint from the 'cancer' side of the journey, as I have also had cancer (DX 4 yrs ago like your DP).

I'd say firstly you don't ever move on from a cancer DX, - it is always with you. always in the back of your mind as a scary thing that might come back one day. My outlook on life definitely changed, - I tend to get on with doing things I want to do, rather than waiting and mulling things over, - I always feel a bit as if I'm on borrowed time.

Cancer can be quite an isolating illness, and it's hard to describe how it feels to people who haven't had it, so I think there is a tendency for people who have had the illness to share info. and views and talk about it quite a lot, because to some extent you can't really talk about it with people who don't know what its like, and also I don't talk about it much with my family because I don't want to worry or frighten them.

I think people have to move on in their own way in their own time, - I have passed the stage where I want to talk about it all the time, to wanting to forget it and get on with life, but this might not have happened for your DP yet, especially since his original prognosis wasn't too hopeful.

So all in all, it's a big thing for everyone involved, for him - he will have all sorts of fears and worries going through his head, - I've talked to lots of people who've had cancer and like me they all say this - we all get those four o'clock in the morning terrors every now and again!

Also - you have been through a 'cancer journey' too, and will have gone through many fears and worries yourself, - and I think often partners feel guilty for feeling low, or worried or unhappy, because they feel they have no right to feel bad because they didn't have the cancer. - Absolutely not the case, your feelings are as valid as they ever were, but I know it's hard for partners and carers.

Has your partner tried anything like counselling, or had any help from a cancer support centre? (Macmillan also have helplines for talking things through and IME are very good) sometimes professionals can help you get through the 'being a cancer patient' mentality, and beyond into a new normal, and they can do it objectively with a wealth of experience.

MacMillan might be able to help you too - you could talk things through on one of their helplines - they help families as much as cancer patients, - and they also have lots of relevant booklets about relationships and cancer, being a carer and how to talk to people who have had cancer etc etc. You can get booklets from their website for free, and most libraries will have them all.

It is very hard for you, and you sound so sad, but don't feel you have failed in your support, I'm sure that is not the case.
For everyone involved in a cancer diagnosis - patient, carers, partners - lots of feelings build up, anger, resentment, fear, sadness, - with each other and with the illness itself.

I hope you can get through this patch, and get your relationship back on track,
and I think you need him to make a commitment to spending time together and tell him that's what you need. Cancer is a devastating illness, but it's not an excuse to treat others badly and be inconsiderate, you've got every right to have your needs considered too.

Good luck

Thank you Kurri. No one has ever said that I've been on a 'journey' too. DP certainly feels that it is his business and not mine - and it hurts to overhear him discussing his cancer with my friends.

When he was first diagnosed he said I was his 'rock'- but that didn't last for long.

We have never had any counselling. Talking to Macmillan sounds like a good idea but I don't now if I can persuade DP to do so, not with me anyway. It's all his territory. He was asked by them to take part in a video they made about survivors.

I am sad that although I know that he feels sometimes he is on borrowed time, he doesn't choose to spend that time with me. I know his DCs come first but there is no time left for me. He flatly refuses to book a holiday (even for 4/5 days) with me in case work should be offered to him.

we haven't had a holiday at all, which we really wanted.

Except you didn't both want it - or at least he didn't once it became a reality. I can't imagine what you are getting out of this relationship. Do you feel guilty about not having be able to do more in the way of support whilst he was ill?

I'm not sure I understand what's holding you together. Why wouldn't you end this relationship?

It sounds as though you never had that much of a relationship, and that cancer took away the little you do have. Whilst it is terrible that your partner had cancer, if he's not willing to spend time with you and you don't partiularly enjoy it when you do - what is the point? You can leave him and move on if you need to, you don't have to wait a decent interval because he had cancer.

It's only recently that we have stopped enjoying time together. Before that we were making the most of it and it was nice - outside influences have so affected our time together (and the lack of it) that it's a strain now.

Ok well that's more positive, but if you can't turn it round pretty quickly so you are enjoying the time you spend together again, you do need to consider separating. If he's not putting the effort in, it's game over isn't it?

I am trying to turn it round. I feel like I'm all out of final demands. I've said I can't go on like this but clearly I still am, so it sends the wrong message.

DP has said he can get a couple of days away soon. Unfortunately DS has GCSEs coming up in the next 2 weeks, and although DD is at home now so I can get away, I don't want to leave before his exams...by then DP might have other commitments.

This keeps happening.

I don't understand how you can turn this around, CuttedUpPear. You need to state your position to him and I think you need to walk away.

You should be there for DS' exams, it's entirely understandable that you would want to be.

Hi there CuttedUpPear, just wanted to second KurriKurri's post and provide another cancer perspective.

Like your partner, its been 4 years since my cancer diagnosis, and mine was nowhere near as serious a diagnosis as his. Congratulations that you and he have defied the odds!

The crux of your matter seems to be that he is so invested in his cancer journey that he cannot see the wood for the trees. Unfortunately there is nothing in the world that can make him move on from his 'stuckness' until he is ready to make this move himself. Like your partner, I got 'stuck' in a certain part of my journey as well.

After months and months of angonising and trying to understand what was happening to me, a light bulb went off and I went and got the help I needed. Counselling and a survivors patient support group have helped me enormously in the last couple of months. In that regard, all I can suggest is that you keep gently suggesting to him that there is professional help available to him when he is ready for it.

So I think that you have to be honest with yourself here - are you happy taking a step backwards in the relationship so that eventually you might take a step forward? Would you prefer to cool things and be friends for a while so that he can work through this on his own? Because the magic number for him is surviving for 5 years after his cancer treatment has finished, and I am sure that he has this number on his mind, so the question of mortaility is always forefront. These are questions that can only be answered by you, because all of have the absolute right to live our lives as we see fit.

Hope this helps.

Hello SoSad007 (and I hope you are not too sad). Thanks for posting from your perspective, it is really useful. Yes you are so right about the 5 year goal.

Invested in his cancer journey is such a good way of expressing it. Sadly I seem to have fallen on the wrong side of the ropes here...DP relied on his mother such a lot (who has taken a dislike to me btw for some unknown reason).
I am the rank amateur in the cancer discussions; he will talk to anyone except me about it. I must be a very unreceptive, unhelpful figure to him.

To be honest I am very scared of taking any more steps back. I have already seen him move out of my home (although him staying in the house I have now was always a bit temporary and not our long term plan), make a home with other family and friends, and now a big financial commitment with buying a house this week. Our joint plans seem to have been put on the back burner over and over again, not always DP's doing, but now he has freedom he is choosing a path away from me.
If I wait for the 5 years to be up it will be 2015.

Would these cancer support groups be accessible through MacMillan?

Hi CuttedUpPear, not so sad these days . Am actually starting to see the merest sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, and there are actually more good times than bad now. But it took some counselling and visits to my survivor support group to facilitate this. And I know I am still some way off from rebuilding the new 'me'.

I'm really sorry that you have "fallen on the wrong side of the ropes" of your DP's cancer journey. And its not that you are unreceptive or unhelpful, but it appears that your DP is choosing only to discuss his cancer with other cancer sufferers. Please don't see yourself in this negative light because of this. :(

Unfortunately I am in Australia, so I can't tell you all that much about MacMillan or the services they provide. I did see on their website that they have a support groups listed that you can contact here. The support groups seem to be run by groups outside of MacMillan, and there may be a nominal fee to attend. Would be best to contact the one closest to your area and investigate.

As for yourself, MacMillan also has a telephone help line which you might call as the partner of a cancer sufferer to discuss your issue with. Usually the counsellors on these help lines are very sympathetic to the cancer sufferer as well as their support network and may be able to give you further insights that have not been provided here. Please check with MacMillan though, as I don't know much about their services.

Hope this helps.

Sweetheart, he is telling you in every way possible apart from the decent, honest way, that your relationship is long over.

He moved out
He prefers to spend time with his mother (who doesn't even like you)
His future housing plans don't include you
He won't talk to you about his cancer
He is reluctant to go to places with you, and when he gets there all he wants to do is talk about cancer, not meet people or enjoy being with you
He can't/won't arrange his free time to be with you at a time you can actually manage
You had a break on the understanding that you would spend more time together, but this has never materialised and you don't have faith that it ever will
When he does have time clear, he always visits his children abroad
He refuses to book a holiday, always putting work first

Cancer may have caused this to happen, but it is not stopping him from having a relationship with you. He just doesn't want to.

Thanks Provincial for saying what I was having trouble with.