Struggling

[CallMeBetty]

I just wrote a huge post then realised that most of it is irrelevant. What I really want to ask is, do any of you have difficult relationships with judgemental, perfectionist mothers who undermine everything you do and how do you cope with knowing you'll never get their approval?
Do you ever stop feeling like you need it?

I think it's something you grow out of. My DM could be all the things you describe and it used to bother me a lot but, as we've all got older, I've found it matters to me less and less what she thinks. If she approves & supports, great. If she doesn't approve, no biggie. If she tries to deliberately go against me - and, as an atheist, I was very annoyed when she suggested to DS (12) that he might like to get christened on the quiet - then she gets told to back off and mind her own business.

Thanks, I hope so. It's got to the point now where she is making some pretty hurtful and entirely unfounded accusations to me, saying that my home is dirty (it isn't, it's normal) and that I neglect my kids, that they always looks 'scruffy' etc. This all couldn't be further from the truth, I adore my children and they look no different to their friends or any other kids the same age. I don't know how to deal with it. She's not the sort of person you can tell to Foxtrot Oscar without completely losing contact if you know what I mean so things in our family all get swept under the carpet.

What you don't realise is that you have the trump card i.e the children. It is a very rare woman that wants to risk losing contact with their grandchild and those that are prepared to cut contact just to make a point are not going to be missed. So call her bluff and tell her to back off.

Yes, you can stop seeking her approval, but it can take a lot of time and conscious effort, since she's conditioned you from birth to pander to her judging and criticism and seek her (elusive) approval.

There are a lot of useful links at the start of the Stately Homes thread that can help - books and websites on dealing with unpleasable parents once you see them for what they are.

That's exactly what I'm coming to realise Hotdamn, I will have a look at the stately homes thread. I've tried explaining to her that what she's sayingn is unjustified and hurtful and that she's pushing me away but she just carries on saying that she's only being honest with me and the truth must hurt, it's my problem etc.

You can't rationalise with this kind of person. Telling a bully that they are making you feel hurt is no good either because that is the whole point of the remark. They tend to make it about them... 'I'm just being honest'... 'you're having a go at me'... 'you have a problem with me' .... so flip this back at them. "You're being unpleasant"... "Yes I'm having a go at you"... "Yes I have a problem with people who make unpleasant remarks"