'no role for her', my mother is jealous of me... Yawn

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I need a positive no nonsense one liner to repeat ad nauseum!

Situation is that my mother feels like there is 'no role' for her as a grandmother when I'm around, & appears to think she needs sympathy & help because of it!

I am not particularly sympathetic about it, and actually my ds loves her to pieces... But how can I get her to see that without letting the issue have too much air time. She's incredibly self centred & this 'issue' is partly to divert attention back on herself, as I've been inconsiderate enough to upset the family dynamic in that regard (see below for my selfish lime light hogging behaviour!).

But I also think she genuinely can't see a role for herself as grandmother which isnt about competing to be a mum.

I have become disabled, husband left me, 26 mth old ds, massive debts, health continuing to fail as i have to do more than i should to keep me & ds afloat & no family support at all until the last few weeks.

I have never had any family support & have a 'difficult' relationship with them, especially my mother.

They have finally offered some help & will look after ds for one weekend a month, to give me a rest. Great news for me & ds.

Although i think my parents have been 'shamed' into helping, theyve realised its wonderful to be so involved in ds life

(they found out a family friend had been helping me & supporting me, & my mother got all jealous (worlds smallest violin!) notice a theme?!)

Her complaint is that as ds father isn't around, my dad has a really important role, but she feels supplanted by me as soon as I appear when they collect or drop off ds (24 mths). What can I say back that gives her a unique 'role'?!

Wonder what 'role' she thinks my sister would have had if she'd lived to be an aunty

Arrrghhh pressed post before doing a title, & iPhone won't let me cut & paste the post into a fresh message -( swear word here!)

Heading was going to be:

'no role for her', my mother is jealous of me... Yawn

Wow, first off, sorry that you are in such a position - that must be very difficult to deal with.

Your mother is never going to accept anything you say because she is too self-absorbed. "Feels supplanted" when you turn up? You're his mother fgs!! You are the primary carer in his life and she doesn't like it. So, she'll have to suck it up.

If you like you can explain that grandmother is a really important role in its own right, and in fact your Dad is missing out because he's more of a father figure rather than grandfather - whereas your mum gets to be the grandma, which is great!

But apart from that, she is not going to change. I think, bizarre as this sounds, she is probably jealous that you have suffered such a life change - because it's dramatic, isn't it! - and she actually has to admit, difficult though it is, that you are in a worse position than she is, so she's inventing dramas for herself to compete.

I wish you luck with her but to be frank, I'd just ignore it and tell her that it's lovely your DS has a grandma.

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time, honey. Are you all the help you're entitled to in terms of disability allowances?

As for your narcissistic dm, given that you're her dgs's mother she'd have cause for concern if she wasn't 'supplanted' by you when collecting/returning your ds.

Tell her how incrediby thankful you are that that her very presence in your ds's life affords him the luxury of continuity through generations together with the calm stability and civilising influence that all boys need if they are to grow up to be courteous to, and respectful of, women.

In other words, tell her any old load of bollocks that will puff up flatter her ego and keep her sweet and off your back and try to let her pathetic attempts to be centre stage at all times wash over you.

Should read 'Are you getting all the help' etc.

Oh wow gosh. Tell her that her role us to help abd inspire you to be a better mum (hahaha)

Oh you are so right, she's weirdly jealous of me, but at the same time as massive denial & scandalised - becoming disabled is the social equivalent to farting at the dinner table!

Shes also never going to change, I guess I need something to say that is positive yet doesn't invite a big discussion, which I know would go badly as I'd end up getting angry with her...

DS: mama! (leaves her to give me a cuddle when I come into the room)
Her: oh he doesn't want me now you're here (sad self obsessed face)
Me: (bracingly) oh mum that's not true, you are very important because XXX

Xxx = something that makes it clear grandma isn't a 'like being a mum but inferior)

What makes it so ironic is that she was an awful mother to me growing up but is being a lovely grandma!

Double - she might be one of those who only likes little children - so she may stop being a lovely grandma when your DS is bigger, just to warn you.

"Mum you are very important because you are his only (known?) grandma and grandmas are there to give extra love, care and cuddles. DS loves you very much you know."

God, I'd be worried if I was her and he didn't run to you after not seeing you all day! But then I'm not a self-obsessed nutcase who thinks the world revolves around her...

Her: oh he doesn't want me now you're here (sad self obsessed face)
You: (heartily) he looks so happy; i can see he's had a wonderful time with you. now, are you staying for a cuppa or do you have to get off straightaway?

oh very good, Izzy - deflect it completely, refuse to acknowledge the self-obsessed comment - I like it!

Ooh lots of posts whilst I was replying to Thumbwitch!

Made me chuckle!

Def not wanting to change her or resolve it, I am very much at the acceptance stage, (although it makes me sad & wistful for parents who would be capable of love & nurturing)

Mainly though, i just want her to stop mithering about it!
Oh my goodness, auto type changed mithering to mothering - my phone has a sense of humour too :)

And yes thanks so much for asking, have got higher rate dla care & mobility, which am incredibly lucky to get in today's climate of cuts, also have council help w direct payments for carers- though the battle to get these, the physical strain & toll tipped me over into being totally disabled. I have yet to get all the care I was awarded as the employment process also half finished me off, & can't face having to do it again....

The family friend who is helping me has been amazing, an unexpected angel- a real angel I mean, not the fluffy kind with harps, but the smiting powerful kind. She's a force of nature, hearing her on the phone to social services, or a care agency, banks, hospitals etc is fabulous.

I hadn't seen or heard from her for 15 yrs before this btw, I was friends with her daughters growing up, & when she heard I wasn't well & it was serious, she just kind if appeared in my life like an angel.

If my mother knew half of what this family friend had done for me, well she'd pop with jealousy! Of course even my Mother realises she can't say anything, as the answer would be 'well, you could have helped your daughter yourself then!'

I can hear the powerful beating of your dear friend's wings from here.

I do so enjoy availing myself of the opportunity to indulge in the sport of smiting and smoting when occasion arises. It should be an Olympic event

Smiting & smoting - a fiery kind of sport I think? I love it :)

Oh dear, my mother has been up to her old tricks today- she 's ranting & raving & hissing & spitting out poison :-(

I caught the phrase 'there's no disguising a black soul'... Not sure if I'm the evil one or my father is, but either way, I think I can safely say that the firm but rousing sentence is too late.

Good heavens - she sounds slightly deranged!

Do you know what set her off? I'd be debating the wisdom of leaving my DS in her care if she's off on one like that at the moment... but you may have no choice in the matter of course. :(

'there's no disguising a black soul'

I'm not so sure about that... plenty of folk paint theirs white.

Do you need to listen to radio gaga? If she's ranting on the phone can't you have to rush to the loo or front and get back to her never later?

Have been debating the wisdom of whether ds should stay w her, but he's the apple of her eye & she has endless patience & love for him, it's just me & my dad she has it in for when she has one of her little moments.

Growing up I was terrified of her and if I found she had ever exposed ds to her rankings then I couldn't continue. For now I think the benefit outweighs the risk as I desperately need the help they've offered.

I retired back to bed ill, & glad to avoid the hissing, she did stop immediately me & ds came in the room & have ears carefully attuned to the emotional tones of anyone speaking in the house (survival tactic from younger days), so I could check ds not being exposed to it.

This is the first time I've gone back to stay w them for about 8 mths, was a test to see if I could physically do it or not.