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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH spending too much money - on him

24 replies

asdrearyastherain · 10/06/2012 21:04

I've name changed for this, as I have other things going on, and I don't want to drag them in (some to do with DH), but need a perspective just on this issue, and not the other things.

The first Christmas together, DH demanded I buy him a video camera. He bought me a surprise (something I couldn't use), but he demanded I buy him the one he wanted, or else it meant I didn't love him.

For birthdays this theme has continued - one year he bought me a digital camera (cheapish one), and I bought him lots of things for his - then he wanted the money towards a new car for him (a couple of grand).

He constantly does this - just wants things, but never reciprocates.

This year, for my birthday, he bought me HP box set (DVDs). Funnily enough I wasn't happy with this, especially since I already have the first four films. Now his birthday is coming up, and he wants a - gun! He originally wanted one that cost over £270, now he's found one a bit cheaper, and wants to travel to get it. He wants the money from me, for his birthday present.

I know it doesn't sound much. But we're really hard up - and mean really. I don't know in fact whether he's in debt, as he does online banking, so I have no idea (he has his own account as he had a joint account with his ex, and she left him in debt, which I helped clear).

He pisses me off with his (adult) son too. He takes him out for meals every time he comes up here, yet never, ever takes me out. When I pulled him up on this, last week, he said I could come - not the point, I don't want the only 'date' night to be one where his son comes too. Besides he didn't even take me out for my birthday, which was the hardest one in my life, where frankly he should have been more attentive to me, than anyone else in his life (including his son), so I was pissed off that the lad asks, and DH goes along with it. There is another reason why I hate DH taking his son out - due to the last time he did, and he was advised to look after me, didn't, and something awful happened. So I hold resentment I agree.

We rarely have sex - have twice in the last 7 months (probably due to something else which will 'out' me if I include it here), but I'm sick of it now. When we do try, he can't come (has had this problem since we married). And now has to look at his laptop before he will try - so there can never be spontaneity. I go to bed, he comes up 30 mins later - no romance, no seduction, no building of sexual tension. The other day I took a sleeping tablet before he came up, as he has rejected me for 7 months, then suggested "tonight", spent all evening outside, then when I went to bed, said he needed another cigarette.

I have looked into leaving him, I just don't know if it's worth hanging on - it's all about him, I feel like a peripheral.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 10/06/2012 21:13

He takes him out for meals every time he comes up here, yet never, ever takes me out.

WHY are they like this? Does any one have a reason (and don't just say ' cos hes a nob')? It just seems too.... targetted to be accidental.

I have been sad for years because I am never taken out. This weekend the domestic appliance has been away, and he has taken dd13 out three times.

Why?

Abitwobblynow · 10/06/2012 21:16

Sorry Rain to hijack, but although I don't usually say this, this is definitely one which I would say 'get rid'.

RealityIsNOTWarren · 10/06/2012 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 10/06/2012 21:24

I always try and see both sides... I am honestly failing to see anything redeeming in his qualities here.

Why are you still with this idiot?

It isnt the lack of sex life, it is the grabby greedy attitude, this is a middle aged man (if he has an adult son) and he is demanding a present list like a 5yo child....

What exactly are you hanging on for? Get out and enjoy life with someone who treats you properly.

Abitwobblynow · 10/06/2012 21:33

Yes, good advice Squeaky, and that person, the person who treats you properly - is yourself.

Find yourself, and you will find love. Really.

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 21:36

Cunt.

Shriekable · 10/06/2012 21:36

I would be worried that he is running up debts that, eventually, he will want/expect you to help him clear. My ex told me about his ex leaving him financially strapped, and one day when i was clearing out the loft i found letters from her family asking for the money back that she had lent him to buy a car. He would buy new phones, stereos, televisions (2 of them) without consulting me, and then demand half the cash as 'you use them all the time.' yes, because you gave away the old (perfectly useable) ones! He used to demand certain gifts - watches, electrical goods, designer glasses - as birthday and Christmas gifts; do you know what he bought me for my birthday? That fucking knitted monkey from the PG Tips ad. I left it behind with him when I moved out.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 10/06/2012 21:37

He sounds absolutely hideous. I agree with NotWarren.

Offred · 10/06/2012 21:41

Always wary of OP's who change names because they have been posting "other stuff" this is a bit disingenuous. I'm not sure how we can advise properly without knowing the full story.

RandomMess · 10/06/2012 21:41

What adult demands a birthday present in that fashion Shock

DailyMailSpy · 10/06/2012 21:41

what are the reasons that keep you from leaving him?

JumpingJackSprat · 10/06/2012 21:48

If you are who I think you are, you need to leave him. It might seem hard but honestly he is a dick and he will never improve. You are worth so much more. Please look after yourself.

ImperialBlether · 10/06/2012 22:09

Oh god, OP, why would you stay with him? He's about as bad as I've seen on here. He's really dreadful.

QuintessentialShadows · 10/06/2012 22:12

Greedy and grabbing, and selfish and self centered. Just his take on presents told me all that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/06/2012 22:26

Demands gifts, crap in bed and these rather oblique comments about 'something awful happened'.... sounds a disaster. FFS don't get this arsewipe a gun.

tallwivglasses · 10/06/2012 22:37

Have you posted about this man and his son before? Do you have a dd? This situation sounds familiar...but your story was so awful I think I must have chosen to forget the details...but I have an over-riding memory of thinking that this man is SO bad dfor you - it made such depressing reading.

I apologise if I'm wrong, but either way...what ^^ they all said.

TheSecondComing · 10/06/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth · 10/06/2012 22:45

Leave . him . now .

Sarcalogos · 10/06/2012 22:45

I don't know who you are. He sounds like a knob.

Who demands expensive presents and then doesn't have the decency to at least reciprocate.

If he doesn't make you happy and won't change. Run like the wind.

RandomMess · 10/06/2012 22:48

I know who you are op.

OMG he is even worse than I ever ever ever thought.

I have some odd days annual leave booked at the end of June, I could easily come into London for the day and come for a coffee for a few hours...

Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2012 22:50

Why don't you try just NOT buying him presents? If you're lucky he'll huff off and find some woman who'll appreciate him (ie rich and short-sighted).

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 23:00

Have you ever tried saying no?

QuintessentialShadows · 10/06/2012 23:02

Yeah, buy him a waffle maker. Or a dirt devil.

asdrearyastherain · 10/06/2012 23:22

offred I can see why you may think it's disengenous to namechange, but I only wanted opinions on this issue, as since 'something' happened, my head has been all over the place, and I think that's why I never manage to leave.

Obviously the namechange didn't work, as I'm sure that Warren & Random have recognised me.

tall not wanting to say too much, we have had children, and we have one DD with us now. We've been together for a few years. I think we probably rushed into it tbh.

I have thought about saying no, but we haven't spoken since Friday (when I took a sleeping tablet rather than staying awake for him), yet even though he turned me down, so many times (when I needed him most, the most you could ever need someone) I never 'sulked' for days.

I'm glad that the presents alone, are good enough to know it's not right, without the other things.

Strangely things had been better lately. I've been happier. We've been getting on better (in a housemate type way), and he's been happy that I've not had a 'mood', so me turning him down, has revealed he's not changed

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