This is a confusing one everyone. I don't think I know what's what anymore and could probably do with a couple of outsider views.
Dh and me have been together 19 years - married 10. In the beginning we had a very tactile relationship - lots of cuddles, kisses, sitting on the sofa cuddled up. I used to joke that I would lose all the kisses when we had children as he would be kissing them instead - he laughed and said he would just have to give out extra kisses. His sex drive has always been low but nothing that out there.
Roll on ten years and 3 children later - all under 5 and one baby aged 18 months. Pretty much since the children arrived things have changed totally. We scarcely have any contact at all. All the cuddles have gone. The kisses have all stopped - I get a peck on the forehead when he leaves for work or goes to bed. And that is it! He kisses the children constantly although he doesn't really cuddle them. We hardly have sex but that is probably my fault - he has suggested early nights etc but it is all just about him these days. To be fair, he thinks I prefer it like that which I do - I haven't complained as I am quite glad to get it over with so we can go to sleep as I am tired with the children. We never ever go out together on our own - have been out once in five years at night on our own since the children were born. In the last few weeks my husband has started sleeping in the other bedroom with my eldest child as he says he can't sleep with our baby in my bed and my other daughter at the side (we are in temporary accommodation at the moment and it is a fair comment - it is a bit of a squeeze). We will be getting a house very soon - another story : ) But when I mentioned not liking him being in the other room he just laughed and said "you're almost 50 - it's not like we would be swinging from the chandeleirs anymore". I was gobsmacked - I am only 41 and actually am only wanting a cuddle. He keeps telling me that once I hit 50 he will not be wanting sex as we will be too old. He has said he will come back in my room when I stop feeding my little one - he doesn't think it is normal that I am still feeding my toddler at 19 months. He thinks it is wierd behaviour. I have told him lots that I am not happy at the lack of physical contact but he totally believes I am being melo-dramatic and tells me I have been reading too much Mills and Boon. But all I want is an occasional cuddle, a pat on the back, just something. The only time he comes near me is if he wants an early night. If we watch tv, we are at the opposite ends of the couch. If I do give him a cuddle, he totally responds. But I don't do it much as it bothers me that it is never reciprocated. I seriously think he believes I am being a drama queen wanting affection and that it is not normal when you get older. I told him I was unhappy yesterday about the lack of affection and he genuinely believes I am just being moody. Nevertheless, he has spent the day being really kind - doing all the jobs I have been asking him to do for ages, making me a nice tea etc. But no actual cuddles or anything which is what I said I was sad about.
So why am I still here? My husband treats me brilliantly when it comes to looking out for me. We make a great team; we have lots of fun together and never argue. My husband is totally loyal, fabulous with the children, works hard so I can take care of the children full-time, does so much to help me with the children. He will always text me if he is even five minutes late from work, he always goes shopping after a long day at work if I need him to to help me out. He will drop everything to come and help me if I need him. The other day I was sick and he dropped everything so I could rest. He makes me dinner every single night. He runs me a bath every night and puts in a bath bomb for me. He lets me have a lie in every time there is an opportunity for one of us to do so (although I do insist he has one sometimes too). He won't let the children ever say a bad word about me - always comes to my defense.
I am totally confused - is this a pattern of someone who doesn't love me anymore? I know his parents are still happily married but have never seen them show any physical contact. They also spend their evenings in different rooms watching their different programmes and often spend the night in separate rooms. But they seem happy enough. My husband has referred to their behaviour when I criticise his and laughs at my parents who are very tactile and says it is ridiculous at their age.
Anyone got any thoughts on whether this is a guy who loves me or has fallen out of love with me? He has never told me he loves me since we got married. And very rarely gives me any compliments. But I really think that is because it doesn't occur to him. He treats me so well in the little things he does. But can I really live the rest of my life without any more cuddles or hugs. What will I do when the children leave home and I don't even get my quota from them?
Sorry this is so long but it feels good to write it down. By the way, no chance he is having an affair - we never go out at nights. And he is never late home from work etc etc.