Another one of those tricky family situations....

[elliott]

Feedback please.
DH's aunt is organising her 60th birthday party. She is quite an alternative/eccentric type, no children, lives in communal house etc etc. The party is 2 hours from us in a town where we have no friends, and will be a ceilidh from 7pm with food at 8pm and then the next day a short walk in the country.
When she first mentioned this at Christmas we said that we thought the evening do would be difficult for us but we would come for the next day. She was disappointed but I didn't really think much of it.
She is with us this week (looking after ds1 today) and yesterday told us all about it again - brought the invite to show us the whole programme - we said the same thing. She is now really upset, laying it on v thick, 'its supposed to be for friends AND FAMILY, I've put SO MUCH THOUGHT into making it family friendly, that's why its starting early, I so much want you do be there' etc etc. Now i feel a mixture of guilt and anger and really feel we don't ahve any choice but to go with the ds's. But I feel so bullied into it that really it makes me (and DH) feel like digging our heels in. But we won't. We will go, watch the boys getting tired and fractious (they are 4 and 2 and don't do late nights - always up early) then bale out at 9pm to either drive home or stay in a strange place (a friend's floor or somesuch) and drive home the next day. But it won't be willing participation.
Are we being mean or are we being bullied?

No you are not being mean, she sounds quite unaware that 7 pm would be bedtime for kids, not the start of their evening out!

Oh NO! Typed a long reply and accidentally hit delete, grrr! I wouldn't go. You will have a shitty time, she will be pleased you're there for about 5 minutes and then you will be left with whingy kids, crap night, long drive etc. She doesn't get it and you shouldn't be bullied. Can you fob her off with 'we might, we'll think about arrangements and let you know' and then drop her a note in a week or so saying sorry you can't make it but you would love to have tea with her on xx day?

Coming for the next day sounds like the best plan. Unless there's somewhere in the place where the party is where you'd be happy putting down the kids? Unlikely, though, isn't it.

Are there any other folks with kids who you know who are going?

Thanks. Its the emotional blackmail that's really getting to me - if she'd just left it, maybe we'd have come round to it ourselves. And the constant telling us how much thought she's gone to to make it possible for us - when actually, we told her at Christmas that it was too late and would be difficult. But I don't want her organising the whole thing round us anyway (not that she has, she's just trying to make us THINK she has. Or maybe she really thinks she has accommodated us, but just hasn't listened). She really will not take no for an answer. And because she's not my family I can't just let rip and tell her what I think...

Murmur 'we'll see' and 'it sounds lovely!' but without making any promises, like you would to a small child.

Um, I'd go.

Not because I'd feel I had to but because sometimes a really special event is worth getting out of routine for, even having cranky los for. I'm amazed how well DS and my godson cope with staying up late for (very rare) special parties or weddings.

I would book into a nice B&B nearby, get the kids to have a v relaxed a mellow couple of days beforehand, get DH to take the Monday off and all really enjoy ourselves.

She doesn't get kids does she? Personally if I got that kind of invitation from a family member I would usually see if the set of grandparents who weren't involved would have the kids overnight and not take them. And we would be talking about the distances you are for a lot of family events.

No, there won't be anywhere to put them down. and the last time we tried this (party at a friends house) they wouldn't settle and we baled out just after 9 anyway. We will know very few people - just DH's dad and grandparents (I assume, don't know how they will manage it either!). Aunt might have invited other people with kids but suspect they will be much older.
I think our only option is to be there on the day of the party (when there will be lunch and lots of communal food preparing in the afternoon), feed the boys early, and go for the first hour or so of the ceilidh. I have to admit, the boys will probably love it, its just us that will suffer the next day! But it won't kill us.

mazzystar, I sort of agree with you, and probably would have come to this conclusion by myself, but really really hate being bullied in this way.
Can't take Monday off (I work too btw) as we are off on holiday (me to a conference) the next WEds and it is the first day back after Easter. B&B with kids in room not my idea of fun.
Can't get my parents to look after (which we might have done in the past) as mum is terminally ill, but that's another story really. Also I get the feeling that it is the ds's she wants to have there.

shame about the day off - it would be good recovery time.

i imagine if she is laying it on thick its because it really means a lot to her to have you there - so it is a compliment really. and the kids will love the ceilidh bit if they can manage to stay awake. maybe she can help you to find a good place to stay - self catering or something?

(very sorry about your mum, be kind to yourself)

I hate being bullied too!

I think I would stick to my plans - say you will be delighted to see her on the next day and maybe stay for lunch. Kids at adult aprties are not really fun and yours are quite small! I would keep mine up late if they can then go back to their own beds and sleep in (fat chance) but to doss on a floor miles from home - sorry too stressful!

Be polite but firm! Good luck