Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

women against other women!

23 replies

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 20:12

Why do women so often seem to see other women as the enemy! So many threads on mn or in my real life, posters hate their partners ex wives, call then terrible mums, blame them for everything, call them mad. The bloke is apparently never responsible for the break up or the problems. Even if the bloke had an affair its always because she drove him to it. The new girlfriends or ow are always so keen to hear and believe that the ex (or the wife in the case of those having affairs with married men) is mental, unhinged, tricked him into having children, is too old for him or not right for him, too unattractive for him, an alcoholic (based on nothing more then what the man has said). I've heard all of these. Or that their relationship is crap so it doesn't matter that they are shagging their husband.

When it comes to the whole step parent situation I've heard so many new partners call the old ones names instantly, instant nastiness rather then based on their interactions. So keen to think the worst. If the children are badly behaved its the birth mums fault, if they don't have table manners its the birthmums fault, its never anything to do with the dad! This sounds like such a cliche but have seen it over and over with my own eyes.

Why are some women so keen to believe the crap some bloke say about their exs? Sometimes it seems like women only see other women as the enemy and competition and the bloke know this and play on it. Why so competitive? Why can't there still be mutual respect?

Im well aware this appears to full of huge generalizations but these are all things I've heard women i know say and/or read on here and its driving me crazy!

OP posts:
topknob · 10/06/2012 20:16

I get on really well with my sdd's mum so your point is invalid to me :)

Alameda · 10/06/2012 20:20

are these observations drawn from fairy tales and soap operas?

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 20:21

Nope! I wish!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 20:38

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1491093-What-do-you-think-I-should-do

I think this one is a fairly good example that I've come across on here recently, where the op calls her boyfriends wife "mad woman" and clearly believes or chooses to believe all the crap her boyfriend tells her.

(not sure if its against the rules to post it here so apologies if it is)

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 20:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1486993-Over-stepping?pg=1&order=

And over in step parenting this is another good (or extremely disturbing) example.

OP posts:
garlicfanjo · 10/06/2012 20:50

That thread's upsetting for a number of reasons. It illustrates one wide-scale point very well, I think, though: The women are against each other because it suits the man to make it so. Feminism would say that all (or very nearly all) animosity between women is promoted by patriarchy. Divide and conquer.

I disagree with the theory, because my respect for women includes acknowledging that we can be as vicious, cruel and power-hungry as men can. But I do agree that women's general deference to men makes them compete with each other pointlessly. That would describe the situations you're referring to, Poo, as well as all those insane group situations where the women go into "impress the male" mode and ones which seem to be a constant undercover beauty contest.

LulaPalooza · 10/06/2012 20:57

I adore Mr Palooza's proper ex... the woman he grew up with, had his most important relationship with... he was an utter shit to her and IMHO she's a very, very good woman to see beyond that and still be his friend. She was at our house last night for dinner with her DH; he's out with her and her DH today. She's a significant woman (note: woman) in Mr Palooza's life and I am very glad and lucky to have her in my life too. She is uber fab.

However, DSS's mother (a brief fling for Mr Palooza) is a totally different kettle of wotsits, whom I reserve the right to despise, on the basis that she abandoned DSS when he was 4, and DSS's brother (not Mr Palooza's son) 2 years later, on the in laws. I have never met her.

I am very glad that DSS (soon, hopefully, to be living with us) is here and in our lives but I absolutely reserve the right to hitch up my judgey pants whenever she comes up in conversation. She is appalling.

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 21:14

My female inlaws for example, one relation has divorced and they say "yeah well she likes an argument", as if she was arguing by herself. They never mention how he argues as well and have stayed chummy with him and sing his praises. She's a perfectly nice woman but they have automatically taken his side and he's not even their relation.

Another close friend of the family is a victim of domestic abuse yet their response on hearing this was to wonder what she had done to make him do that! (Yes this is true!)

They are modern women, no cultural factors. Its fucking unbelievable!

Im aware i am ranting on and on but i need to get this out! Grin

Why do some women feel the need to belittle each other or scratch each others eyes out to get to the prize of the man?

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 21:16

Garlic. I am glad you get what i am talking about.

Lula and topnob. That's the way it should be!

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 10/06/2012 21:19

Well said, PooP. Well said.

maybenow · 10/06/2012 21:21

in the case of somebody's partner's ex it's because they are in love with their partner, so the hormones and stuff will blind them to his faults, and if the situation isn't his fault then it must be hers. to some extent i can understand that.

however, there's no excuse for those in society who always blame the woman when things go wrong in relationships they are outsiders to though, i hate people who do this, it's a deeply misogynistic thing to do to woman blame in this situation.

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 21:23

Why thank you get wobbly Smile

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 21:31

Now (ranting on), I've recently found out my sister has been having an affair (probably the cause of my ranty postings really) and believes everything the bloke has been saying about his wife and has used those reasons to excuse her fucking him! This is an intelligent friendly lovely woman who has turned into a complete fucking dick over this man. She doesn't even love him so can't use that as an excuse, just wants to fuck him. Or perhaps she's just another one who sees women as nothing but competition for the prize.

He's come out with every cliche in the book, some of which are listed in my op. (The others listed have mostly come from two friends a few years back but have mostly also been repeated by posters on here) And she has instantly demonised the wife and dismissed their marriage as rubbish, over, in name only etc. Fucking idiot!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 21:33

Phew . . . Starting to feel a bit better now!

My own grandmother was the second wife (not the ow) and became good friends with the first wife. But then she never felt threatened by anyone . . . 'ard as nails!

OP posts:
topknob · 10/06/2012 22:11

TBH I have no reason to dislike her...we have similar opinons, my dh did not leave her for me (had been apart for years) and I love their daughter.. although she is now having her own baby and I am well aware of my place in that :) I am excited but it is NOT my grandchild, it is my dh's grandchild, but looking forward to cuddles :) and spending money on a baby :) This is a womans whos funeral I would attend without a thought. Her other daughter, not dh's, receives a birthday card and a xmas present from us every year, and it is returned.

SeventhEverything · 10/06/2012 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 10/06/2012 22:45

Well the daily mail is responsible for most things Grin

OP posts:
Sparklyboots · 11/06/2012 00:23

Sort of get what you mean but finding having a go at other women for being crap about other women minorly ironic.

maleview70 · 11/06/2012 07:41

I think "being in love" is the issue.

It amazes me the shit women put up with "because I love him"

I think this also plays a part in how some relate to other women.

garlicfanjo · 11/06/2012 14:43

To me that's an effect of patriarchy, maleview. Little girls get asked how many children they'll have "when they get married" more often than what career they want. There are dress-up kits for Brides, but you don't see too many Groom outfits. Children's stories feature a hell of a lot of trapped girls waiting for a hero to come and rescue (marry) them. This extends to women's literature and films.

Nearly every aspect of our culture promotes the need for women to find their Action Man, which always involves suffering and waiting, often getting him away from another woman, not to mention seeing past his crapness to the beauty within Hmm We put up with shit because that's how we're trained ... to call that love.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/06/2012 17:42

My Ex was abusive, emotionally and physically, If a woman I went out with didn't think that she was mad, I would leave the relationship.

Unfortunatly the OP seems to suggest that ALL women should be believed at ALL times.

There is good and bad in both sexes.

MissFaversham · 11/06/2012 19:54

If I was entering into a relationship with a man who either called his ex mad or didn't have a good relationship with his children it would be a wave goodbye from me, that's for sure.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/06/2012 14:04

Garlic. That's scarilly interesting!

Boney. I think each case should be judged on its own merits with an open mind.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page