Help me remain rational and objective please.

[ledkr]

Hi,I'll try to brief.

I am having difficulties dealing with dd's adoration of her dad and the ow whilst being completely hideous to me and dh

DD is 10 and was 8 months old when her df left me and the other 3 dc for another woman.
It was tough but I took it on the chin,never slated him or the ow and remained on good terms (eventually) with dh. We had been together for 18 yrs and id gone through breats cancer so believe me when i say I was heartbroken but kept that to myself.

exh has nothing to do with the ds's apart form to say Hi if he sees them and I have had to work really hard to get him to have regular contact with dd.

He has never paid me a penny as he is always out of work (on the fiddle) has had numerous luxury holidays but for years would say he couldnt afford a present for her birthdays or xmas.

He now sees her once a week after I threatened to stop access last year after no contact for weeks.

I mostly instigate this with calls and transport or dh does and she gets to go to his house with his 2 new dd's who she loves and just have dinner. This totals around 5 hrs a week,no calls or anything in between.

His gf (the prev ow) seems nice to dd but also is very young herself and not that understanding of a ten yr old. eg, asked if she had seen the Inbetweeners

I remarried when DD was 5 and he is a rleally lovely Man. He didnt push things but alowed their relationship to develop over time and now they get on fairly well.

I dont speak to the ow,i have no reason to as i dont see her but isent flowers with dd when both babies were born and dd chats to me about her which is fine.

However she recently has been saying stuff like "shes pretty isnt she?" I just say yes. She sked if I liked her and I was vague,she pushed it and I said I have no reason to be friends with as we dont have a lot in common.

Today she was gong to see her Dad after I had phoned to arrange it and dh was driving her there.
I asked her to brush her hair and she got stroppy,I said her hair was a state and she was cheeky to me.
Leaving in a strop she then said to Dh all the way there, "Im going to see my lovely real Daddy who is the best Dad in the world",dh pretty much ignored this,she then was trying to get dh to agree that the ow was more beautifull than Mummy,dh didnt answer so she said "ow is my best friend"

Im really not sure what to do if anything. Its tempting to put her straight which we obviously would do but when I think how hard it was bringing them all up alone working a really tough job. They never went without,we had nice holidays the ds's all went through college,driving lessons etc and now dh is a fantastic step dad to her. we do lots of fun stuff as a family and give her lots of love and support.
She goes to a nice school and does lots of hobbies and has a nice life.

Any suggestions?

oh, how crap for you - it must be very difficult. I think it is just typical challenging behaviour from a ten year old iyswiim - its just htat his is a button that she knows she can push. Id just ignore it and carry on regardless - she knows you love her and she loves you. It might get worse as she goes through her teens, but it will pass. You just must not take it personally

Hi. I don't have any real advice, other than I have a 10year old DD as well. She can be very mean and cutting in her remarks at the moment, as though she is purposely trying to hurt me.

Without sounding all 'modern parent' could it be that due to growing up and going through changes, she is feeling insecure? It's no excuse to be horrible to you and her stepdad though.

I think you have a mix of pretty normal issues. Dd is starting to push her boundaries. Just started seeing dad regularly so (as they prob don't tell her off) thinks they are amazing because they don't make her do anything.
I didn't see my dad til I was 11, I thought he was amazing. My mum suffered with depression, anxiety etc and he was calm and chilled. It was like a breath of fresh air. As an adult I am still close to him but know his flaws. I now know he isn't perfect, but in my case he is a good dad.
I know its not the same (and I am not suggesting you have depression) but you can get kind of swept up in almost hero worship when,, someone you have always wanted to be in your life, appears. at first he won't be as strict as you have to be and maybe he never will but as she gets older things will become apparent. And she will probably feel guilty. I do.

Thanks,it is as is she wants to hurt us yes. Its ridiculous because I work in childrens services so should no better but its so hurtful.

The ow is a rather large girl with fairly strong features,so I was wondering if she was trying to gage my opinion.

I was anticipating things getting worse as she gets older and I do worry because the ow has been known to give cigarettes to a young family member at a party. I just hope she isnt going to encourage rebellion whilst we are trying to control it.

dprince,yes she is aware of that I think as when I asked her why she was horrible to us and nice to them,she said
"well I dont see them much do I?"

She broke her heart both times she found out they were having a baby and came to me to talk which was lovely.

I do think it must be difficult for the children involved, even years after the split.

My 10 yr old has been very upset recently as she realises her dad puts his new family miles ahead of her and DD2. This, coupled with hormones makes her very emotional and difficult at times.

I can imagine that it must be difficult if your DD is 'hero worshipping' her stepmother. Yes, it's best for everyone if they get on, of course it is. But when you do everything and deal with all the fallout it's a bit of a smack in the face.

I think young girls idolise anyone who appears 'cool' though. And let's be honest, that isn't us!

Apologies if you are cool

That shows her true deep down feelings. When she was sad, she came to you.

It sounds to me as if, deep down, she knows that her father isn't a constant in her life, not really. She knows that his other family comes 'first'.

She's lashing out at you and her stepfather because she can without penalty, she knows that you both will be there always, no matter what she does, so she can push the boundaries with you in safety.

That's all. I'd ignore it, block it out and just don't get drawn into discussions that you're not comfortable with. You owe your daughter a safe and healthy environment - not a blow by blow expose on every subject she sees fit to raise with you.

I can't comment for OW situations really, but it's common knowledge that children from an abusive background form very strong bonds with the abusive parent from a sub-consious feeling that if they are nice and acceptable to the 'dangerous' parent, they won't turn on them.

So if this is the dynamic, it shows that she trusts you/dh.

I'd suggest that you allow a little time to pass and sit her down and explain that for whatever reason the comments she is making are inflammatory, and hurt your/dh feelings.

Explain a little of your hardships and how hard you've both worked to enable what she has. Tell her you understand her comments in a way, but that they make her sound somewhat spoilt and ungrateful; things you know she's not.

It's easy to be a Disney dad on 5 hours a week.

missmowi Not cool no,especially not to her
Interested to hear about your 10yr old. Exh blatently favours the others,its heart breaking. Has their names tatooed on his arms (I know) talks about taking them on holiday when he has never even given dd a pound for an ice cream when we go away.

Thanks for the comments It really nice to know people dont just think its simple jealousy which it isnt.

DD just said to me that daddy cant do much for her because he has the other dd's to look after Thats when i struggle to bite my tongue because we have a baby too and dh treats them both the same and they get the same,god its so hard.

lying that is such a good way of looking at it,I am the adult,i can take it cos i know thats not what she really thinks.

happyhissy A disney Dad would be an improvement tbh,at least hed do more than cook her a roast and watch tv while she helps with the babies.

Hi Ledkr (waves from post natal thread). My sister went thru this exact behaviour when she was around 12. My parents split up when we were very young, our 'dad' remarried when we were 10 and 12 and had 2 boys.my sister went thru a stage of saying she wanted to live with him and didn't want to be at home anymore, I remember huggingmy mum while she cried. I think my sister saw my dad and his family as cool, they let us do what we wanted and never told us no. Luckily my dad was supportive of my mum and told my sister that she must stay with us. It must have been heartbreaking for my mum, but my sister soon got over it.

Stay strong and believe this has nothing to do with you or dh.

ledkr sweetheart, thats shite. She's 10, its a horrible age, she knows you and dh will always be there for her and agree with other posters she's just pushing and pushing. Deep down you know how much she looks up to you.

She's just being mean and you're right - she is trying to hurt you. Even her phrasing sounds young "best Dad in the world" , "OW is my best friend" etc, you both know thats not true, a mixture of hormones, new babies everywhere and almost teenageress is its own special hell

She'll see through it in time. She's pretending he'sb the bees knees, in the hope he'll love her likeb the other DDs he has.

This will devastate her self esteem. Know this and do all you can, consistently to counteract it, and support her.

She's at a tricky age, you'll need to help her manage this, I know she won't make it easy for you, but the entitled stuff she's hurling your way needs to be addressed, regardless of anything it's not on for her to be like this with you.

At the same time, she needs to have fun with you all too. If life is in a routine, it might be nice to bust out of it every so often.

You and your H sound lovely. She's lucky to have you, even if she doesn't quite know it yet! :)

Agree with lying witch - she's horrible to you because either she knows she can be because you'll love her anyway or because she is testing that love. Think about it in other terms. My DD1 is generally a pretty nice person. At times she is absolutely horrible to DP and me. However with her gran, her teachers and other adults she is a model child - she would never dream of speaking to a teacher the way she speaks to her father or I. That's not because she loves her teacher more than she loves us - it's just that she can test her feelings out on us, she can safely vent with us.

My DM and my father divorced when I was 2. I have had no contact whatsoever with my father since then. However I have clear memories of telling my Mum that I wanted my Dad and crying for him etc - not because I had any feelings for him but I suppose because i thought that it would get to her (I was a wee shit really! Thank god I've grown up!)

dh has just reminded me that when she was little she used to make up stuff about her Dad,like "he pushed me high on the swings" when all he had really done is sit on his arse in his house and watch footy.
I have had to send her food to eat in the past or she'd get none and once gave him money so he could take her to mcds for a treat.
To be fair he is a bit better since I threatened him,I believe some contact is better than none.
Its really reassuring to read others having the same issues,I do tend to over react and think we have huge ishoooos

hissy you sound as if you know what you are talking about,can I ask you what you mean by *the entitled stuff" and do you have any suggestions for dealing with it?

She is only doing this to you guys as she can trust your love for her is unconditional. All the things she says will be intended for her dad and the ow. All the feelings will be expressed for you but intended for them.

It's shit but it's something she will grow out of and will pass. Just make sure she feels secure and loved.

I have been in your daughters shoes. Hth

ledkr nothing to add but to say keep doing what you are doing, being a strong loving mother to your children, they all know that you are their rock and will always always be there for them. That is what they really need, and you are that already.

Much love to you and lovely DD1 xxx

ledkr, I am so sorry you and dh are going through this. DD reminds me of me when I was her age; I used to write messages to myself and sign them 'lots of love from daddy'. I think it stems from her wanting to be closer to her bio father which is a natural thing but she's now at the age where she realises the power of her words and is testing you both to make sure you won't go away like he did (if that makes sense).
FWIW, after behaving dreadfully to my step dad as a teen, I now have the most amazing close relationship with him and my DM really is my best friend.
You have been, and will continue to be, such a wonderful mum and when she's older your DD will love you even more for what you've done for her. Just so crap you have to go through this now x