Long distance relationships - can they work long term?

[duffybeatmetoit]

DH has been offered work 200 miles away. He is currently on shorttime work with his employer and the prospects of this improving don't look good. He has drawn a blank with other work locally. He feels he has no alternative other than to take it.

My job is pretty secure and I earn quite a bit more than he does, plus our DD is settled with school etc, so us moving isn't really an option. DH is talking about coming back at weekends but I think that in reality it is likely to be more like a weekend once a month. We will be having to fund two homes and that kind of drive is tiring on top of a full time job.

He knows plenty of people in the other location so is likely to be doing a lot of socialising and generally living like a single person whilst I effectively become a single parent.

Have other people been in this situation? How do you make it work? Can it work long term?

My DH moved 250 miles away for work 2 1/2 years ago and I remained in the family home to begin university as a full time mature student combined with part time employment.

He rented a home and we furnished it fairly frugally to begin with. He never came back at weekends (was working 12 days out of 14) but I made the journey every other weekend.

It did work really well once we settled to the routine.

6 months ago he changed jobs and is now only 45 miles away but we've I've chosen to keep the two homes scenario. Though I do now visit every weekend!

I think it really depends on the kind of relationship you have. I think if you want to make it work, like Itwill did, it, erm, will.

Butttt I would say a big fat NO to the whole you single parenting and him out socialising. I think that's where it can go wrong. Are you comfortable with that?

It can work if you are both committed to making it work, but its not easy.

Skype will be your new best friend, it makes a daily contact call feel a lot more personal & a great way for your daughter to share things with her Dad.

Can you get up/down there at least once a month too so that you both have equal amounts of schlepping to see each other? Is rail travel or flying an option occasionally to have a slightly less tiring commute?

There are ways round it, you have to be creative & invest time & yes money into making it work. An increasingly common scenario in these economic times,sadly.

Good luck

DH and I started long distance but I date our relationship from when I moved to his home town. I think it depends on what you see as the crucial elements of a relationship to be. For me it's in the day to day and I wouldn't/couldn't do it.

cali it's difficult. I don't want him to be stuck in a flat on his own all the time but if he's out socialising he's spending money which is still going to be in short supply. So it will quickly come down to a choice between going out with mates or petrol to come home. I think it would then be a case of fewer trips back and once they become farther apart it becomes even easier to go longer between trips.

Plus of course it's difficult to listen with enthusiasm to accounts of nights out when all you've been able to do is housework/food shopping with the odd bit of reading/tv/playing with DD. Which in turn makes the prospect of coming home even less appealing.

Bossy my finances will only just stretch to covering all the costs up here, there's not going to be money in the kitty for travelling as well.

Duffy will he not be contributing to home bills too then?

I get the feeling that you are almost looking on this as a seperation, & you resent the fact that he'll have a social life? (forgive me if I'm wrong!)

You will be able to get a babysitter for a few nights out won't you? Or do you have any family/friends nearby who could help out?

bossy he pays for about half the food at the moment but that's it. He says he will be contributing once he is earning good money but I've heard it before and it has never materialised.

Neither of us have any friends/family up here (we haven't been here very long) so I don't have a support network. It's not so much that I resent him having a social life, I just think it will eat up cash and put paid to his plans for saving money.

We've had a pretty crap existence for some time due to lack of money and I guess I'm just jealous that he has got an escape route and I haven't.

Oh dear duffy, sounds like there are other issues anyway here. He doesn't sound like the most reliable man as it is. Guess you will just have to suck it and see really doesn't it.