What do I do now??

[bananacrepe]

In short (I have posted before), I had an affair with a very close friend. Worst mistake of my life. From him I got the emotional understanding I'd never had with DH, and I didn't realise until I found it how important it was to me. DH's good points had kind of cancelled it out so I just lived with it.

I eventually said I would leave DH, after much soul searching, trying to break it off a few times and OM begging me not to. At that point he turned around and said he couldn't be with me because he realised he couldn't have any more kids (I don't have any and do want them) as it would take attention away from the ones he's got. Two weeks later he announced his new relationship to the world. He'd known her a month. I found out last week not only that she has kids but they are already calling him daddy.

The affair has changed me. I think it has changed what I want. DH desperately wants to work things out. I am reeling from the hurt I have caused him and the hurt OM has caused me. I am gutted he has moved on and feel I have made a huge mistake not deciding sooner to be with him. (obviously the mistake was getting close to him in the first place - I know that.) DH wants to know what's in my head even if it's about OM. I feel awful that I can't love him like I used to. I miss OM unbearably - he was, prior to all this, my best friend so I've lost that too. Something in me can't accept that after everything he said to me he doesn't want me any more.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to hang on and hope my love for DH comes back, or cut and run so that we both have a chance at happiness again. He would be devastated but I don't want to stay in something my heart's not in. I don't know if it's partly because I'm depressed. I just can't stop thinking about OM and be so angry that he got me to that point and then dumped me. I know it was my decision, I know I was stupid, I know I went about it in completely the wrong way, but my god, it has come back to haunt me.

I feel your pain
I love my dh 100% but i really really want to get jiggy with another man ive met and last night we had fantastic sexing (texting) And he wants to meet me on wed night today i feel sick and cant even look at dh

In your shoes I would separate. You sound very confused about everything and your DH is probably responding out of shock and panic rather than from any place of rationality. It isn't fair to keep your DH hanging on while you make up your mind how you feel towards him. It isn't fair to live with a man when you're pining after another one. It's understandable that you feel depressed, angry, betrayed etc., but I think the innocent party in all this - your husband - deserves better than continued cruelty. He may not appreciate that at the moment, but he will in time.

Assuming you are not being sarcastic to make me feel even worse:

DON'T!!!!!! Please, please do not do it. My one saving grace is that I didn't sleep with OM. It is the only thing I am glad about. It is not, I repeat NOT worth it. For me it happened because I didn't think I loved DH any more and I fell in love with OM. If you're sure you still love your DH that's even more reason not to. There is no reason to do it. That way only ends in pain, believe me.

X post - my reply was to mop bucket

Thanks i know its so wrong
I feel like crying today cause i feel so sick dh has been looking after me
What is wrong with me ?????

Mopbucket - talk to DH about it love.

Wtf! I am sure you do love you dh mop. Sounds like true love.
Op make your decision don't keep your poor dh hanging on. You need to make and soon. Leave him or commit to fixing it. You are bring really unfair.

Op - sounds like you need to have a trial separation from h so that you can work out your feelings. Sounds as though he's so willing to do anything to keep you that he is overcrowding you (understandable).

Offred - he is. I just feel so awful pushing him away. Can't decide whether if I spend more time with him at the moment it will help or hinder.

Dprince - I want nothing more, in my head, to forget about OM, commit to DH, and work on fixing it. I just don't know how to make my heart follow my head

banana you are only staying with your dh because you don't want to hurt him. But you have already hurt him. You don't love him. Do the right thing. End it properly and move on.

You head is acting out of obligation. Do you really want to mo R on with dh, or just not feel for the OM anymore because he is a twunt. They are 2 different things. I suspect you desperate to get back what you used to have in your marriage as you think it will help you forget OM. Rather than wanting your marriage back iyswim. Don't use your dh anymore.

It will almost certainly hinder I would have thought. Making decisions whilst the feelings are raw is not a good idea. I've never been through this so am not qualified really to give you advice but I would think not making any decisions and separating off for a brief time could help give you some perspective. You don't know how you feel right now is the truth and you need to find out.

OM is indeed a twunt. But my goodness I miss him. I think he meant more to me than I realised. I was so confused I couldn't work it out and now I miss him terribly.

I don't want to string DH along. Since I told him everything I've been completely honest - which is what I should have done in the first place, of course, but I am trying now. (Which is more than I can say for OM with his new gf, I suspect.) I was so happy before with DH. I want that again. I just don't know how. OM is involved in all my hobbies and I can't get away from him unless I give up everything I enjoy doing. I took them up because I was unhappy and they helped get me out of being depressed (nothing to do with OM).

How can we separate? I have nobody to stay with, no friends or family round here. We can't afford two places. This is so crap. I can't believe I have made such a mess of things.

If you really can't leave think of ways you can have space. Don't give up your hobbies but maybe you could have a little break from them just at the moment? I think you need to get space from both men and think about yourself and what has lead you down this path, also where you want to be in the future. That is so fundamental to this problem, you are not an extension of the man you happen to be with you must think through who you are and what you want. OM sounds like a total knob btw.

-doesn't mean you have to be with DH though.

There really is no use feeling sorry for yourself. The only choices you've got are a) to walk away and learn from your mistakes or b) to wholeheartedly return to your DH, give up all the hobbies, stop romanticising, agree to counselling and make a massive effort to make amends.

I've asked DH for some time to think. Only option is to carry on in same house in different rooms. I can't believe what I've done to him. He is devastated. He wanted to carry on as we were but I can't do that to him until I'm sure. He doesn't want anyone else to know.

glad you have some space to sort out your head while your having this space keep away from all hobbies so you can focus. Xxxx

I've only been on the receiving end of an affair but the rule of thumb is to wait 3 months before making any big decisions but some time apart would be very wise. Shirley Glass's book that is often recommended on here maybe worth a read. You may not be sure you want to fix things with your H but this book is helpful and may help you to know what it would entail if you did choose to try and make things work.

Please try not leave him in limbo too long though. My ExH left me in limbo for 5 months with me desperate to fix things. That is a hard place to be.

Hi Banana - remember me? Sending big hugs, PM me if you need to. We are both in a similar-ish place :(

You seem more concerned about the relationship between the OM and his gf than the one between yourself and your dh.

You need to forget about OM and how you felt about him. That's over.

You will have to give up your hobbies if that would involve seeing OM. That's another casualty of the affair I'm afraid.