does it matter WHY he is too busy to see the kids?

[bejeezusWC]

Stbxh left about a month ago, we were seperate for about 1.5 years before he left the house. He was EA and an alcoholic, together for 12 years. 2 dcs @ 7 yo and 18 mo.

He never did spend enough time with them when we were together/ he lived hete. Always too busy 'studying' but staying out over night, and clearly had enough time for drinking and socializing. His default position was with his mates

He has been good about seeing the kids since he left. Hasn't had them over night yet as he is in a bedsit looking for somewhere suitable and affordable. So visits have been for couple of hours at a time and usually involves me cooking for everyone. Trying to make it ad painless as possible for kids so its ok. He is taking them to school couple of mornings a week. Has let them down once so far- didn't show up or phone

He hasn't seem them since last Sunday. U phoned him yesterday to ask if he is seeing them today. He said he is too busy studying for exams and organising his befsit. So he will come at 5pm for an hour. Ok.

But he didn't disconnect his call......and I listened for half hour. He was with a girl, getting ready to go out, choosing outfit. Then went on a car journey, sounded as if they went to her place. Really comfortable conversation between them. Not a NEW romance. I always suspected he wasn't faithful. Lots of evidence, but nothing damning.

So, I phoned him back and said he couldn't come at 5pm for 1 hour

Am so mad, kids are not his priority

Am I being petty and jealous? How to handle this?

Okay my teenager daughter frequently tries to blame me for things. If she can't find her shoes, it is my fault, not hers for not putting them away. If I remind her half and hour before we leave the house to get ready then I am nagging, but if she is late it is Mum's fault. And so on. It is annoying but she is only young, and I do point out it is not my fault (sometimes she even apologises).
What I do not do is take responsibility when it isn't my fault.

What you need to do is, in writing (email will do) come up with a schedule of his access, which does not involve him in your house. You present it to him, if he has reasonable changes to make then you can negotiate, but basically it needs to be set in stone (flexibility comes later). If he won't accept it, it's not your fault he doesn't have access it is his. He can say whatever he likes, but it is not your fault.
As it is not only are you taking responsibility for his actions, but even your little DD is taking responsibility.

Now sometimes it is my fault my DD is late, I get involved in something and we are late, in those circumstances I act like an adult and apologise, and do my best to repair the damage I have caused.

it will never be your fault that he failed to maintain a relationship with his DC. You are describing the actions of a controlling man who has taught you to be fearful of him through his actions, and to take responsibility for him where really, you can't.

I can't make any suggestions of ways to formalise things that will guarantee he will abide by them. But for starters, try and mentally separate yourself from him - that's the joy of being separated after all :) your decisions are your own, your time, your home and your relationship with your children is down to you. So is his. Just the process of telling yourself you are your own person (over and over) will help.

Then, I guess the sensible things to think about doing are a) get advice. Try these people for starters. B) Google 'parenting plans' and even if he won't fill one out with you, make your own just for reference, so that you know specifically what you want to (eventually) reach an agreement on. C) Explore mediation in your area, does Relate provide it? or your GP? Or can you go through your local Children's Centre? Get all the info and then suggest it to him - but suggest it as a way for you to hear and understand what he needs and wants with the help of a 3rd party, so that you can be sure you're making arrangements that will suit him long term. Manipulative? Possibly... but likely to get him there? Then worth it :)

And finally - get yourself on the Freedom course by Women's Aid or a self-esteem workshop, or some counselling, or even a kickboxing class once a week just to boost your endorphins and help you regain a sense of power in your own life. You don't need his permission to do these things. You only need your own.

You'll get there my love, it's hard, but it can be done x

OP I feel so sad for you... You're doing everything you can and he's being a prat.

You tried to be accommodating but it's clearly not working. It's effectively allowing him the freedom to pick and chose when/what he wants to do and you're the one who has to deal with the fallout. It's totally unfair to you and your children and he's not even paying maintenance!!!!!! I can't comprehend any father not wanting to provide for their children.

Send him an email to let him know that 'playing it by ear' is not going to work and the children need the stability of knowing when and how long his visits are goiing to take place.
Suggest a timetable and if he says no tell him you're open to suggestions.

thank you for the tea and sympathy ladies

Believe me, my self-esteem and general happiness, although may be shite, is a damn site better than before he moved out. Need to look at the freedom programme-just feel like a bit of a fraud-like id be taking a place of someone who really needs it. But it is times like this, when I think im doing ok, and it only takes one kick off from him, to have me doubting myself and feeling rubbish and unsure and unconfident all over again

I have just started running again- so thats good

I think, you should stop making it so easy for him.

He should want to make it easy for your children, the same way you obviously do.
Seeing as he evidently can't stick to casual arrangements and considers them a bit wishy washy in his mind, and not important, you can only hope that it'll be better with set times for visits.
I don't know if it actually will be better, but what else can you do? "Grr" on your behalf.

Agree with whats been written so far.

Do not cook for him ever again, infact do not have him in your house again!

If he wants contact it needs to be regular and away from your home.
If he's late then tough, he misses out. You and your dc need to get on with your life. Do not keep it on hold for him.

If you have set days/times planned out then he can be 'busy' around them.
Get tough with him, its the only way.