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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DD came back from dad's in tears...he is a c*nt, he really is

3 replies

thornbury · 10/06/2012 13:18

She is 14, her sister is 12. They were supposed to stay at his Friday night, but when we got there he had gone out. DD2 phoned him and he said he wasn't coming home, so I brought them both back home again. Saturday morning he rang my mobile, but I was downstairs and didn't run up to answer it. I wouldn't have answered it if I'd seen his number on the display anyway. He left a message, apologised for his mistake Friday night and said he'd be round to pick the girls up in 20 mins, and could I ring him myself in future instead of getting DD2 to do so, so that any future mix-ups could be resolved (WTF? It wouldn't have mattered who phoned him, he still wouldn't have been home! I had only gone out to drop them off and didn't even have my phone with me.)

So he turned up, DD2 went off with him and told him that I was taking DD1 to the doctor and would bring her later. He text me later and said could she be at his by 6pm as he was taking them to dinner and a movie, I replied ok. I took DD1 to the hospital and we discovered her sore finger was actually broken, so we were there about 2.5 hours. We then did a little clothes shopping for her before dropping her at dad's just before 6pm.

DD2 has sports coaching 2 mins from my house at 10am this morning. We had talked about DD1 coming home then so we could go clothes shopping, but as we had already done that I was not expecting her to come until later. ExH dropped DD2 at sports, then DD1 was back at 10.10 along with her bags and her sister's stuff too. DD1 in tears, came running up to my bedroom and threw herself at me. ExH has had a go at her for wanting to come back so soon. My partner was staying here with his DD, who was visiting for the first time, and he was leaving at 10.30 to take her back home. DD1 explained that she was not just coming back to see them, but also had lots of things to do to be ready for school tomorrow. ExH then made several unpleasant remarks about DP, which seemed to be fuelled by jealousy, told DD1 that I had lied to him about just being boyfriend/girlfriend. DP does not live here, which is what exH has been told repeatedly, and is what I declared on my Form E.

ExH was determined to make DD1 feel bad about spending time with DP and his daughter. DD1 told me that she always feels like she has to prove to her dad that she loves him. Both DDs spend a lot of time with him, they see him every week and alternate weekends, they go on holiday with him. They do love him, even though he doesn't make it easy.

I think he is also jealous because she is doing her work experience in the company where DP works, and because DP took her to a concert (just the two of them, since DD2 and I don't like the band particularly anyway).

I cannot think of anything I could say to exH, although several swear words spring to my mind. He ruined their xmas by telling them he had to sell his house (the former marital home) because I wanted more money. The court decided he did need to give me more money, and this has been achieved without him having to sell the house, which I always knew it would be.

I have told DD1 that dad does love her, he's just not very good at showing it at times. She asked me what the arrangement is for next weekend, and I think she is worried about spending time with him. He did apologise for upsetting her this morning, which is something, I suppose.

Sorry this has got so long...I am not sure I can do anything about this other than what I already have done. It just breaks my heart when he makes my girls cry.

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 10/06/2012 13:26

You have my sympathies.

My ExH and father to our 3DS is so consumed with jealousy regarding my DP (who does live here - and we have been quite open and honest bout when he moved in) that he tells the kids esp the 10 year old that DP is 'a horrible man' and says vile and untrue things about both me and DP to the kids. He cannot seem to understand that this cannot be in the CHILDREN's interests... I don't care what he says about me to his friends and family - but leave the kids out of it....

sigh

thornbury · 11/06/2012 23:00

Had another long conversation with DD1 tonight, seems that what happened yesterday is just the tip of the iceberg. She is scared to say anything in case she upsets him, doesn't know what to do for the best, can't bear the idea of spending next weekend with him (it is Fathers Day, how do we get out of that one?) She is choosing a 6th form at the moment and he is putting her under a lot of pressure to apply to the private schools he has chosen, even though she is not keen, and wants to at least visit them first.

I have only just realised, despite spending 15 years of my life with him, that he is probably a narcissist. I have told her that if she wants to say things to him but feels she cannot, I will do it for her, since I have nothing to lose. I doubt it will make any difference, for it is all about him, it always was.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 11/06/2012 23:25

Your poor girls. They're lucky to have you as their mum. They are old enough to decide what they want.

See if Respect or Woman's Aid can help support you in helping them deal with a narc. You can't deal with it easily on your own.

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