My relationship with my family

[joyns88]

I've seen people give lots of insightful advice on here while I've been lurking, so I thought I'd see if any of you could help me with this. It's a bit of a strange 'problem'.
I'm 26 and live abroad, don't see my parents much for that reason. However, when I do, whether in person or skype, I feel bad. I feel bad because I don't really want to see them, and I only see them because they want to. I think they feel it in a sense, and it's sad for them. But I switched off when I was a child, stopped talking about my life with them.
There's no big awful reason for this. I think the fact that I'm quite different to them in outlook has a lot to do with it- we don't really have anything to talk about. I often think, if I wasn't their daughter, and they knew me as eg. a neighbour's daughter, they would dislike me. I'm not myself with them- with friends I drink, smoke, swear, am generally uncouth and fairly open about my sexuality (i'm a lesbian). Also quite political, and try not to be judgmental. They are massively narrow-minded and judgey. I feel like nothing I do/am is good enough, and that anything I do achieve, like they will be too pleased.
I have a problem myself tho, that I expect too much of myself, and I wonder if they don't help me to change that.
I think I don't do what I want to do because I'm scared of upsetting them.
I don't really know what to do about it. Even when I'm away I feel this problem. I feel so disloyal, and guilty. But I would really rather be alone, and I feel awful for that. I can't admit that to anybody in real life.

I'm not sure what any of you can say, but if you've got any views, critical or otherwise, please share them, I'd just like some perspective really.

I think we are all different things to different people. We are not exactly the same towards our friends, lovers, family, employers. There are a few choices. On is to isolate yourself from anyone who doesn't agree with you 100%... only spending time with like-minded people who never question you. Another is to be with others but in an uncompromisingly 'take me as I am' fashion. A third is to be as true to yourself as possible, but with modifications according to the situation.

Isolation is relatively easy but can be lonely. Being uncompromising can make you difficult for others to accept but at least retains your integrity. Most of us are somewhere in the third category because we need to modify the 'real us' to stay gainfully employed, part of a family or in a social circle.

What were your parents like when you came out to them? For all their flaws, it sounds like the do love you (hence wanting to see you). I think you need to make plans for one day, sitting down face-to-face and trying to be honest about how you feel. If it doesn't make you feel better, you can isolate yourself again. But I think it would. You sound really down, I hope that you can find some peace with this situation and ultimately, with yourself. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. Hell, you sound like a lot of my friends :)

Thanks for replies, food for thought.
I didn't come out very well, i was upset about it. I was kind of wanting/expecting them to tell me to fuck off, then it would be more real than im my head. Being gay is not something I dealt very well with.
My mum found out from my aunt and brother, was upset but said whatever happens, i'm her child. However, since then we don't speak about, it except for her to make comments about me meeting a nice boy and how I'm not what other people have told me I am, and that I sholdn't tell anybody. (apparently I'm easily led and I've got ideas in myhead from other people). These comments are pretty frequent. She told my dad and reported that he said it was the worst day of his life. Never actually spoke spoke to him about it tho.
But then I don't want to discuss it with them either, i would feel so uncomfortable. Wish they didn't know, its all so awkward.
Don't know where i'd begin having a conversation with them about any of this.

Bloody hell, no wonder you feel bad when you speak to them!

It sounds like they handled the news appallingly :(

FWIW, I think growing up is often a big long process of getting more and more disillusioned with your parents, seeing their flaws, seeing them getting older and being less capable than you remember when you were a child.

My mother lives abroad and I think it is the best thing for our relationship to have some space between us. She would do my head in if I had to see her any more often, because we are just too different and we clash. I can't bear her political opinions and she hasn't learned to keep them to herself in my company. She doesn't respect my approach to parenting either.

It means that when I do see her, I am constantly trying to find a balance between speaking my mind and STFU. It's hard, which is why I am glad I don't have to do it that often!

Perhaps some of your over-achieving tendencies are down to a lack of trust in your parents' belief in you. I can well relate to that.

I just hope to god I can learn from this and my relationship with my 2DDs doesn't go down the same path one day!

But look, you have your own life and they have theirs. Of course it will sadden you that your relationship with them isn't better, but the most important thing is that you're true to yourself in the life choices you've made - and you should be very proud of that :)

It's no use complaining that they go on about your sexuality negatively but then in the next breath say you don't want to discuss it because it's awkward. Battles have to be picked carefully. There are trivial matters where it's best to keep the peace and there are important matters where you need to assert yourself. Something as fundamental as your sexuality is the latter. If this is who you are, defend yourself forcibly or the silly comments will keep coming... they won't think you're serious.