Gender role issues, an affair - mine, but still finding it hard to move on

[Bondgirl44]

BF of 4 years and I split six months ago after he gave up work 18m ago to take "time out" and I lost respect for him as he sat on the sofa all day whilst I am working 12 hour days/still doing cooking, cleaning, buying food etc. He blamed me for being an unsupportive partner as he figured out what he wanted to do career wise. (We both had quite high flying careers in banking).

Ended up giving bf ultimatum that he had to get another job or move out. He took another banking job but constantly complained how much he hated it and how he was only doing it for me. i confided in another man and we had an affair of sorts - no physical interaction but there was emotional intimacy, no excuse but was so miserable and constantly being told how I should be supportive/then found out he had lied about money/ran up huge credit card bill whilst not working etc etc.

Argued constantly as bf thought if we have kids I should work and he stay at home as I love my job, he hates his. Feel as though being punished for loving job. He moved out for six months a year ago, I saw a counsellor for anger issues/feeling depressed/ worthless. Decided to give things another go but he hacked into my phone and emails and saw evidence of affair. Now refuses to speak to me, and has done for six months. Says unforgiveable. I miss him and his family terribly.

So I am trying to move on with my life but am finding it so difficult. Am 29 and feel pressure (mostly from myself) to find someone else as have always wanted kids, been on lots of dates but they make me feel worse/ like I wont meet someone else who I click with. Have v successful career but wonder if I have chosen that above all else. I have also now heard the ex may be seeing one of his female friends who I was always suspicious of which has made me distraught all over again.

Also have horrible bitter feelings every time friend gets engaged/pregnant.

Should I go back to counselling? Other than work issue ex bf was very kind, caring, loving. Wondering if I should try again to fight for reconcilliation.

:(

Thank you so much.

Firstly, you are 29, that is young and really does not mean you should rush into any relationship just to have kids. So stop putting the pressure on yourself.

Your relationship with your ex had run it's course. It is rare that getting back together after a split can work, sometimes yes it can, but more often than not, it doesnt.

Build up your own social life, get out with your mates, and have fun. Dont try and get back with him, it really isnt a good idea.

Your ex made you miserable and didn't care, as long as he could sit on the sofa all day.

You are approaching 30 and your clock is ticking. That doesn't make him a good person for you.

You are still young, you have a reasonable amount of time to find a fulfilling relationship, and you are 6 months down the road of moving on - stay on that road. Best of luck.

He sounds horrible. Don't make the mistake of hitting 29 and thinking that, just because he's the one sitting in the chair when the music stops, you're obliged to put up with his crap and have children with him.

Thanks - even writing down what has happened made he think (again) he is a selfish idiot.

You know what? Nothing like finding someone new to help you get over an ex. I agree with others. This had run its course. It ended out of your control which is why you are finding it hard to move on.
I would recommend you find one new class to join to give you new focus and something to look forward to. He was lazy, paid you little regard, and you miss him......why, exaCtly?
You're really young still. Don't waste another six months on this. He has moved on. So must you.
Good luck.

My SIL and best friend didn't meet their partners until well into their mid-thirties, had successful careers and crap relationships in the meantime. Felt terrible about the men they were with, and worried about the future. Both have wonderful DP's now, beautiful children AND are relatively worry free financially. Try not to panic. You are right where you are meant to be right now. Try and learn from the mistakes you made with your XP and focus on a great future, rather than wishing you could re-write history. 29 is young! You will be fine :)

^ so kind, thank you

Well it clearly wasn't a great relationship was it? You had an ea he was a test. He is doing you favour by not speaking to you.

Don't get back with him OP. You will meet someone else. Why not put some effort in to active dating rather than winning back ex?

Bondgirl you have 10 years of fertility (biologically) left. If it is any help, I had my first at 32 and my last at 38.

So thank the stars you didnt' get hooked by a self-pitying, selfish passive needy man, get stuck into your life, your friends and your career and your fun, and 'he' will turn up...

(PS make a list of all the things that were good about bf, and in the other column all the things that weren't so great. ESPECIALLY look at the ones regarding resolving conflict. Shees, if I had thought about that stuff a bit more at your age, I would have saved myself quite a bit of agony).

PPS now is the time for saving dosh/investing in property/getting a lodger, to give you more room when you DO find the father of your children...