Ok, so I've name changed for this because, quite frankly, it's a bit of a dickhead situation for a woman of my age (mid-twenties). But here we go.
When I was 16, I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years (I told you, this one is a bit of a weird one). It wasn't really working anymore and it wasn't the most healthy of relationships (he'd cheated on me numerous times, as I suppose young hormone crazy boys do) but rather than just ending it, I embarked on a short-lived "thing" with a slightly older guy. I came clean about it the morning after, but for a period of a month or so, we were both in limbo (as in, I didn't feel like I could end it and he wouldn't let me... no excuse). He got mega hurt in this time, stopped going to college (he was incredibly clever) and basically became a recluse.
Anyway, like I said, I'm mid-twenties now. I moved on with my life, got married to DH, TTC. He also moved on with his life, but in a really dysfunctional way. Was doing lots of drugs, going in and out of relationships and just did nothing. He was really, really smart. Now he's had a child with someone (who, sadly cheats on him - he doesn't know, none of his friends want to tell him and there is NO WAY I'm stepping into that shit storm) and everyone comments (some mutual friends left) on how depressed he looks all the time. I don't know whether to believe this, but we've seen each other in the street/whatever less than a handful of times since we broke up wayyy back when. And he still looks at me with so much hate and even ended up yelling at me one night when I saw him out in town about 2 years ago (he came up to me).
Now, I don't feel sorry for myself for him being angry at me. I totally get that it was shit times caused by me. I don't want his forgiveness because, quite frankly, that'd be well self indulgent of me and do nothing for him. I'd rather continue to stay away like I have done.
Basically, my question is, all these years on, should I still feel like a mega asshole like I do? I just feel like his life has gone down a route it wouldn't have if I'd acted different. I would NEVER do this to anyone ever again, just simply wouldn't, and if I could go back and give 16 year old me a slap, I would. Hard. My friends (mutual friends) say that he should have got a grip and just dealt with it because "we were only young" but I think that it's the early experiences that shape us as people.
I find myself not being able to get over this guilt about how much he hates me and I think about it everyday. I don't think I'm a bad person, I just made a stupid mistake as a 16 yr old. It's now had this kind of affect, or been the catalyst for it and I feel like the biggest asshole ever. I wouldn't have thought it was anything to do with me but he told me that everything was my fault on aforementioned night when drunk.
It's been almost ten years. Time for me to put the big girl pants on and leave him to it? Is a break-up aftermath like that always the wrong-doers (me) fault, or is it his decision to wallow in it?