Hi, I started a thread in AIBU about single parents last week didn't go down too well with some, in hindsight probably wasn't a good idea, I was just hoping some people would have positive stories to tell but I think it pissed some people off. I got some advice on there to talk about my issues in relationships so here goes, this could be long so I will try not to dripfeed. I would really appreciate some advice or perspective.
My DH and I had a huge falling out about 6 weeks ago and it ended in us talking in the kitchen for hours, crying and laying all our issues down on the table so that we could talk them through.
My issues were his lack of respect towards me (he constantly makes dirty remarks about other women including people we work with), how I felt like he didn't give 2 shits about me, no affection, all our discussions about what should happen day to day felt like a points scoring match and his situation always ended up being worse in his eyes so he should get the better deal (mainly money, lie ins, chores etc.). I never get a lie in as he always has some excuse. I feel like his Mum/flatmate rather than his wife. Also he drinks heavily and spends all night stood in the kitchen on twitter his only interactionwith me is to show me stuff he has written. He does next to fuck all around the house and I constantly feel like I am picking up after him and reminding him to do things like empty his football bag and move his massive pile of clothes from the side of the bed. He insisted that he doesn't deliberately not do things around the house to piss me off that he just "forgets".
His issues were that I had changed (I am less tolerant of his behavoir now and he gets called on it)and wanted something different from a partner than I did before DS and that if I was to leave him and get another partner the next one would be nothing like him, it hurt him that I didn't want him anymore, also we rarely have sex.
In the end we both agreed to make more of an effort with affection and showing we cared about each other, he agreed to stop the dirty remarks (which he has mostly) and help more around the house by being in charge of the dishwasher. We put lots of effort in him sorting out the dishwasher, being more affectionate with each other and considerate of feelings for all of about a week. He started leaving the dishes to pile up for 2 or 3 days, he would put the dishwasher on but not empty it and then it got to the point that everytime I needed a dish I would get it out of the dishwasher so that eventually I had emptied it. I commented on this one day and he told me to mind my own business and stop acting like his manager and he would do it when he was ready to. Things have steadily gone down hill again. I have also only had one lie in since our first conversation.
I got pregnant not long after this conversation happened and at 6 weeks meand DH had another huge barney, shouting and swearing in front of DS (all started with transferring DS's sunflower into a pot and I accidently snapped it- wrote a thread about it on here). I was very upset and close to leaving- I lost the pregnancy 3 days later, I was gutted. It may have been a conincidence and I have NEVER laid blame for this on the argument we had but I do wonder.
So this week he has been working away and i can honestly say it has been so nice not having DH here- just me and DS. Things have got done by me and i have only had to rely on me to do things for me and DS. He came back on Friday night and started having a go about how he doesn't have much money left in his account and where the fuck has it all gone. We were meant to be going out last night to celebrate our wedding anniversary and my birthday which is next week and we go on holiday next weekend too with his parents. We split all the bills 50/50 (even though he comes away with £200 a month more than I do). He gave me £240 for half of last months food shopping bill and he blamed his lack of money on this and i must be ripping him off as I have more money left in my account. He said i spend too much on personal items like shampoo and fake tan (I buy the cheapest of each and buy them once a month!) and that we should buy our own stuff and not include it in the food shopping bill. I was beyond pissed off- we sat down and I made him calcualte how much he had spent on booze and fags this month and it worked out at £250! The discussion got very heated and I explained to him that i have been very careful with my money and haven't bought any clothes or trated myself for months. He then tried to say it wasn't that much to spend as if he went out every weekend he would spend more than that and how it's a good job he doesn't have an expensive hobby- I told him his hobby was alcohol and that he has a house and a family.
He said he can't afford to go out and it will have to wait until next month- to which I said ok. He never apologised for this- said it in a resentful way. He said he will get me a birthday present whilst we are away and I told him to wait until we get paid again as he din't want to leave himself short. He said he didn't know what we will do on holiday- I said we will just have to be careful and I offered to lend him some money which he refused.
He has now spent the whole weekend sulking because he can't drink and has no money. He has just sat on the couch on his phone and drifted in and out of sleep because he is bored. I asked him if he wanted anything from Tesco for tea yesterday and he replied "can't afford it" and I said "so you aren't going to eat then" and he said "I will go myself later and get something cheap". He hasn't emptied or filled the dishwasher since he got back. He also promised (after me not having one lie in out of 3 last weekend) that he would get up with DS this morning and suprise suprise I have ended up getting up because he couldn't sleep last night as he was worried about his money situation.
I am seriously at then end of my tether here and I am thinking I would be better off alone than having constant disappointment. I want to go for counselling but I know he won't and it would be expensive. I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading this post- it is massively long but I wanted to get as much down as possible.