What should I do here?

[gingerwhine]

Hi,

So I've been experiencing some problems with my OH throughout the past few months; things now have escalated and I would appreciated some advice.

To start with, we have a 13 month yo DD who was conceived 10 months into our relationship (unplanned). OH had expressed concern about our having a baby from the start, however we ultimately made the mutual decision to proceed with the pregnancy and consequentially we now have a beautiful baby girl.

OH is the kind of person people adore. To all and everyone, he is kind, selfless, hard working. A genuinely nice guy. And he is, I can't dispute this. However, he does also have another side, which only ever seems to appear in my presence - during which he becomes accusative, judgmental and, at times, a bit nasty.

After DD was born, things in our relationship changed (big surprise...sense the tone). I chose to co-sleep, which he wasn't entirely happy with, however moving her into the cot proved difficult, and, so we continued to co-sleep (as this, quite frankly, seemed the easiest outcome - and this was, I thought, a conclusion that we had mutually arrived it). However, DD is not the best sleeper, and OH does not respond well to a lack of sleep. Understandably, he has become increasingly irritated as a result.

Concurrently he has also become increasingly nasty, critical and snappy towards me. He has periodic outbursts, and has recently confided that he believes he has male PND as he feels he 'hates' our daughter. And it is all my fault (because it was my choice to co-sleep, and that I didn't listen to him when he stated that he would rather we didn't). He has labelled me selfish and uncaring. He feels resentful and bitter towards me. He has suggested that my actions imply that I do not, in fact, love him (not true). I have openly accepted all blame for this - apologized over and over, yet this does not appear to affect him; he simply continues to blame and criticize.

I told him that I was sorry, and that I will make every attempt to move DD into her cot as I did not realize how badly all of this has affected him (apparently this last year has been one of 'torment'). He has taken off, leaving notes which implied that he was leaving us - only to return again hours later, seemingly surprised that I was so upset, and flatly denying that he had ever made such an implication (his letter stated that my daughter and I would be 'better off without him' and that he 'wouldn't bother us anymore'.

He has gone to the doctor to seek advice re the PND. I am hoping that he receives counseling as a result and I am doing all that I can to make things easier for him. I feel hugely responsible and guilt-ridden. I am questioning myself and wondering if there is any truth to what he is saying.

I told him that he needed to make a choice as to what he wanted to do - stay together and work things out or leave, because I cannot live with his simmering resentment (he refused to help me try and move DD into the cot as he 'shouldn't have to' given it really was my decision to co-sleep in the first place). He has chose to stay, and work things out, and of late he has been the kind, warm, funny person I know him to be.

The cot-relocation is proving difficult, but I have been making progress. In the meantime I worry, though, that things have not really been definitively resolved between us - our relationship has been lacking intimacy (one of his fundamental concerns) yet since I have been making the effort to move DD, he has made no effort in that regard either.

Sorry for the long post, but I am just so confused. Any advice would be most appreciated.

Well at least he recognises he has a problem. I don't know anything about male PND, i know it exists though. Whether it is that or some other type of MH problem is academic really. I really hope that the doctor takes him seriously, it was a terrible thing for him to say that he hates his daughter, im sure it isn't true but i think that is indicative of how bad he really feels. What did the doctor say, was he offered counselling? ADs? There is no shame in how he is feeling, it is always expected that the man will hold things together, he may just feel overwhelmed. I respect that he has been brave enough to ask for help, i hope he follows it through. I dont really have any advice but didn't want this to go unanswered xx

Oh dear op poor you, I don't know what to say but I do slightly understand as dh used to be similar about ds crying, I'm sure someone will be able to give u some good advise however you sound like you are not neglecting your own feelings and maybe in turn allowing him to do the same x

Hmm. The fact that you have apologised, tried to improve things etc and he is continuing to be nasty and moany suggests that he might be a bit of an arse. Your relationship is not all up to you; he is equally responsible and given that you have actually given birth and are, one suspects, doing the majority of the childcare, he should be focused on supporting you and making constructive suggestions where appropriate rather than stropping off.

I'd suggest you stop apologising and put some hard thought into where your boundaries are. And stop feeling guilty!

Thank you, I really appreciate all the replies.

He has not seen the doctor as yet - just registered, so he still needs to make an actual appointment. I will have to keep him motivated in this regard, as he is the type of person to let things fall by the wayside although having started to pursue them with the best intentions.

An added problem is the MIL. After OH confided in her about our problems, she advised that if her partner acted that way towards her, she would feel that they didn't love her (which appears to have validated his feelings, in respects of him believing that I don't actually love him). Also, when we visit with DD, she tends to say things that make me feel uncomfortable. If, for example, she has agreed to look after DD whilst we go down the road to pick up food, she has the tendency to tell her (as we are leaving) that mummy and daddy are leaving her and that she needn't worry, as she is there for her (oh and that we don't want her?!)...she is a difficult woman to get along with, yet OH seems to respect her advice above anyone else's and I fear that she will only be adding fuel to this fire...

I wonder if the co-sleeping is only the tip of the iceberg as far as your OH is concerned. I may be jumping to conclusions, but having your baby DD sleeping in your bed perhaps implies to your OH that she is being treated as more important than he is. Having a new (ish!) baby is certainly a difficult time for fathers. Is the sacrifice at night time repeated throughout the day? Is it possible that he might feel overly jealous of DD? That would exacerbate any PND he may be suffering.

Why is the cot transferring such a problem? Is it taking longer than he thinks it should? Than you think it should? Maybe it's possible another MN can advise?

"OH is the kind of person people adore. To all and everyone, he is kind, selfless, hard working. A genuinely nice guy. And he is, I can't dispute this. However, he does also have another side, which only ever seems to appear in my presence - during which he becomes accusative, judgmental and, at times, a bit nasty".

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges and now you are seeing what he is really like. Abusers can do nice and nasty very well; you've already seen that with him and now he is in his nice phase again. It will not last very long.

He wants you to feel guilty, to doubt your own thoughts and words. He's playing you.

His mother from what you write is also a nasty piece of work; small wonder therefore her son is very much the same.

He seems jealous of the baby taking up time and attention. Selfish and self absorbed men are like that.

Bluebelly, you hit the nail on the head - he did say that he feels I have chosen her over him. During the day, I work, so when I do get him I do give her a lot of attention - I miss her, and I feel guilty at having to work full-time (this is not a lifestyle choice, believe me).

DD hates the cot; she is finding it extremely hard to adapt to it. I don't want to debate CC/CIO here, but it is not a method that I feel particularly comfortable using. However, I feel it may be necessary in this instance..? She becomes so dreadfully distressed, hyperventilating, screaming, flailing about when we do put her in, which makes any attempted transition difficult.

And OH's patience is limited.

Poor little thing. I would think quite carefully about putting this immature, selfish man above the needs of your baby daughter.

Does he do much of the childcare himself? And do his fair share of the housework?

Does he also feel co sleeping has affected the sex life by any chance?

Oh yes, I can give him that. He looks after DD 50% of the time (being self employed); the other 50% she is with our childminder. He also helps with the housework (not ALL the time, but he is fairly good with this)...he is fairly vocal about how difficult it is to be a SAHD half the time, but I can imagine that to be truthful and fair.

This only exacerbates the feelings of guilt for me. I feel bad because to everyone else, he is a wonderful, hands-on father (though he can be extremely impatient with DD, and this can be obvious during their interactions).

Your OH sounds selfish and childish - throwing tantrums because he's not getting all the attention. This is not something that can continue long-term so I think you need to explain that you need love and support too. Relationships work both ways.

Do you have a RL friend supporting you and who you can be honest with?

Do not let yourself be manipulated by threats of his leaving. This is emotional abuse. Try and have a calm conversation about this with him. I know it will be very hard.

PND my arse!

Your oh has been rasied by a toxic parent who has given him a misplaced sense of entitlement and, as a result, he has grown into an emotionally abusive and controlling arsehole which is a facet of his character he only reveals behind closed doors in intimate relationships.

No woman should have to put up with his shit, honey, and if you keep appeasing the angry god you'll drive yourself into the ground and wreck your dd's life in the process.

Tell him to grow the fuck up or ship out - and carry on co-sleeping with your dd in the comfort of a bed that isn't also inhabited by a twat of the first water.

Btw, keep your dealings with his toxic mother to a minimum. I wouldn't let that woman within a mile of any child of mine.