Complicated one, help me find the best way please?

[cantgetpastthis]

Earlier this year I was seeing someone, less serious on his side I think but I really liked him. I became pregnant very early on, despite using a condom and MAP. It was an ectopic pregnancy and I had emergency surgery and it was horribly traumatic and frightening and I didn't tell him anything about it at all. It was such early days I didn't feel I could put that pressure on a new relationship.

Recently he finished the relationship as he didn't want to commit. Fair enough. However I was absolutely gutted and I can't seem to get over it. He finished with me by text, which was a bit crap but I find that I am dwelling on that and am terribly hurt by it. Having thought it all through I think it is because I went through so much with the ectopic pregnancy that I subconciously feel even more hurt than I should because there is so much he doesn't know. I feel desperate to tell him now what I went through. I feel that it coloured how I was in the relationship and he didn't see the real me at all. I don't particularly want to be with him now but I can't seem to get past any of it as it feels all blocked by the fact that he does not know what I went through and that he could have been a father.

Every few days I think about the pregnancy I lost and I am devastated. They removed my tube as well and I keep thinking I am glad they did that because at least part of me went with my baby. I am crying now.

I saw him last weekend and gave him a hard time, not mental or anything but enough that he probably thinks I can't stand him now, which is not true at all. There is no chance we would get back together at all and I don't think I would want to. I have thought long and hard about it and telling him would not be any kind of revenge on my part if anything I would want to explain to him why I was like I was and that he didn't know the real me. Does that make any sense?

I don't know what to do. I know everyone will say counselling would help and I suppose it would but it is hard to get here and I kind of know what my issues are its just where to go from here. Sorry its so long. Every few days I cry and feel in terrible pain. I wish I was still pregnant and think about the baby a lot.

You need to seek counselling to help you through this. Have you spoken to friends about your situation? There is no need to bear the pain on your own.

It is a complicated one, I'm sorry you've been dealing with this alone. Hopefully, someone with more experience will come along soon. I think you're right to be trying to deal with it head on.

I have spoken to a couple of friends. They don't think I should say anything to him as I made that decision at the beginning. They are probably right but it all feels so unresolved and wrong.

I think they think I should just get over it as having this baby would not have been at all ideal but I would have managed. Thats what I do, cope and manage and I would have been happy as well. I think they think the ectopic was the best of a bad situation. I suppose I did at the time but I don't now. I feel sad and wish I could have had this baby.

I think I could start to get over it if I told the other person in the situation iyswim? I am not expecting anything from him. I would even just like to put it in a letter. It just feels all wrong now not to have told him.

So sorry that you're feeling so down about your situation. I don't want to sound harsh but I don't think you'll get the reaction you want from him by telling him about this. (My DH was in denial about all 3 of my PGs and said until he actually saw the babies born he couldn't really associate the big bump with being a person.)

When you are PG you have all the hormones and the bodily changes that tell you that you have a life inside you. For the father its not always like that and, especially given that the pregnancy wasn't viable, I'm worried that your ex will be a bit blase about it all and make you feel even worse.

I second the idea of getting some counselling for yourself so that you can talk about the baby you lost in a safe environment, without fear of it being made worse. That way, if you do choose to have other children in the future you will be more emotionally able to deal with that and to enjoy the experience, without the unresolved issues of this pregnancy hanging over you.

I've never posted on here before, but I really feel for you, so here goes...

Whilst I have never been in your situation, many years ago I became pregnant (despite contraception) in a fairly new relationship - although not as new as yours. I had an abortion without telling my boyfriend, as a result of this some of the very few friends I did tell stopped speaking to me for a time as they thought it was wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing as it wasn't 'fair' to upset him or put the burden on him, when it wasn't his 'fault'. Looking back on this, I cringe because I now see that I had so little self esteem, and expectations of what a 'partner' should do, that I thought it was entirely my responsibility to deal with and I buried all my emotions about it. Deep down, I thought if I told him he would leave me.

Fast forward 18 months, when he inevitably dumped me, over the phone, shortly after we had been discussing moving in together, I came so, so close to telling him I had aborted his child. At the time, I felt, similarly to you, that I couldn't move on unless I was truthful with him. I was also (subconsciously) very angry that he hadn't been there to support me - I know that is irrational, as I hadn't given him the opportunity to do so, but there you go. I very nearly told him one night when he cut me off saying 'if this is going to make me more stressed out, then I don't want to know'.

Now, I accept there is probably a lot of projection here, and I know nothing about your ex, but I think you need to consider really carefully what exactly you hope to achieve by telling him. If his reaction was in any way callous, would this make you feel even worse? If he was upset and kind towards you, would you hope to rekindle your intimacy? I think this would be very dangerous for you when you are so upset. You really do need to unburden yourself about this, but I really think you should consider counselling before going to this man, as he may not give you the closure you need. Of course you are desperately upset, and you are absolutely entitled to be, but there may be no easy way out of that upset - you might just have to feel your way through it for a while - rather than thinking you will get relief by telling your ex. For whatever reason, this man has not been there for you: you have coped amazingly so far and you will continue to do so, but please allow yourself to grieve and feel let down: you have been and that hurts.

To finish this monster essay (sorry!), I am now highly relieved I did not tell him. He means nothing to me now. I think not telling him in the first place shows I did not trust his reaction and so why would I have brought that down on myself when he had dumped me? I would only have been doing it to get some form of reaction - and it probably would have left me more bereft and angry than I was to start with.

I really hope you are okay - please do think about talking to a counsellor or therapist about this. Thinking of you.

Do you think that he would believe you or think you are making it up because you are angry with him?

A woman I know (H's ex GF, who is a friend of mine) had an abortion while they were together and she was mad as hell when he finished with her, so she told him about it to (I think) hurt him. He didnt believe her and it was only after we had been together a while (many years later, not connected, she is fine with it!) and she came up in conversation that I was able to confirm for him that it was actually true. He had spent many years thinking she was a bunny boiler or unhinged.

I agree that counselling for you to deal with your loss would be far more productive. Telling him wont take away your hurt at losing your baby.

Thinking of you x

Thanks for posting and thanks for sharing your experience with me underthewestway. I haven't been ignoring have been thinking a lot about everything and the thoughts and advice on here.

Feel a bit better this week. I think that seeing him opened up all the wounds again and thats why I felt so, so awful last week. Still feel very sad about things but don't have the urge to tell him anymore.

I don't think I was looking for any kind of reaction really just felt this need to share my pain with perhaps someone else who might have had some kind of interest. But I think you are right, he would not have had the connection to it that I did and I don't think it would have helped now I am thinking clearly. I don't think he would have been callous or mean, but I don't think he would have known what to do really and it would have been horribly awkward. I do still have feelings for him which subside when I don't see him, luckily we live in different cities. If he did feel obligated to me but didn't want to be with me it would make everything so much harder to get over, I do see that now. I also think that I probably became a bit too attached to him because of the pregnancy hormones etc, bonding to the father or whatever? Is that possible?

I think I will get to the point where I am glad I didn't tell him, even though I still feel a bit wobbly about it now. He would most likely tell his friends, some of whom are also mine and it isn't something I want to become general knowledge about me. It was my situation, my pregnancy and in reality it was only me who was affected. I wouldn't want something that mean't so much to me to become gossip.

Thank you all so, so much for replying to me, I felt in a very bad place and just reading what you said helped me so much, even though I didn't feel able to reply.

I don't know if I will look for counselling. I already have wonderful children, that is what made this so much harder because I knew what this pregnancy would become. I think I can manage it on my own, it was just seeing him that made it all come surging to the surface. I think I just need quiet and time out to get over it. Thanks all so much again.