Lost all faith & trust what do I do?

[Princessjo25]

Hi
Sorry that my first post is such a downer :-(
My husband has lied to me about money all through our marriage, we have huge debts & now he has admitted to being addicted to playing on fruit machines.
He took money from our joint account & to protect myself I told him we had to change the account to my name only. A week later after lots of promises I found another £150 had gone out of the account which he'd used my login details to transfer money to his account.
I changed my security details only to see more money go out a week later as he had taken my card & got cashback.When I asked him about it he denied it.It happened again & finally admitted it was him when I threatened to go to the Police.
I do Avon & a friend gave him money to give to me but he spent it.He also collected some wages for his friend and spent them.I've had to pay his friend back.
He's promised to get help but I've now found our daughters savings book & he's emptied that as well. I've asked if there is anything else & he says no, then today I find he used money my sister in law gave him for a deposit on an event.I now have to cover that as well.
To make matters worse he was made redundant earlier this year & has only just got another job.So I'm covering the mortgage and all the bills.He only got statutory redundancy & he's frittered most of that away.

I am disgusted that he's stolen from me but I cannot comprehend how he could steal from our daughter. he says he will work overtime to make back the money, but he still expects me to give him cash for cigarettes (as he says he can't give them up as well as the gambling).
I love him but I don't trust him at all.My family & the few friends I have are so angry with him I feel I can't tell them anything else.I'm so lost & tired of him lying to me.
Has anyone else been through this?

No I haven't been through this but you simply have to get him out of your house. You can't live like this. He will destroy everything you have and every friendship you have.

These huge debts - were they caused by him? Are they in joint names? Are they for things you still have?

Have you considered divorce?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

BTW no trust - no relationship.

Did you go to the police following the earlier incident?. If you did not, you actually gave him carte blanche to continue.

Currently you are being dragged down with him and this sorry state will continue to happen as long as you are around to enable him and prop him up. Any money that you provide is going on his gambling addiction. Am I surprised he has stolen from his daughter - not at all actually. He will do anything and will lie, cheat and steal to fund his addiction. Its what he has done to date and what you have tired to date has not worked.

Unless he wants to properly admit to himself that he has a gambling problem there is nothing you can do to help him. All you can do is help your own self and protect your own interests. His primary relationship is with gambling and everything and everyone else does not really figure in his list of priorities.

Actions speak louder than words and his promises to get help mean nothing ultimately because he is not acting on it.

You need real life support to decide what you are going to do longer term as this man could make your lives a complete misery and destroy you financially - if it is not already. He will bankrupt you in the end.

Have you spoken to Gamcare - this is taken from their website:-

"Often a gambling problem not only effects the gambler's life but also those around them. The effect of problem gambling on the family can be devastating, often leading to the breakdown of relationships.

Partners of problem gamblers frequently seek help for themselves as they find it hard to come to terms with their partner's behaviour, and at times blame themselves for not being able to help.

GamCare takes the needs of a friend or partner of a problem gambler as seriously as the those of the gambler, and answers a significant number of calls from people other than the problem gambler. Remember, our free counselling services are also available to those negatively affected by the gambling of someone close to them.

What Can You Do?
The points below may also give you some guidance:

Remember you are not the only family facing this problem
You may be able to help by talking the problem through, but it is probably better if you involve a skilled person outside the family
Keep in mind that it is a serious matter and gamblers cannot ?just give up?
Take a firm stand. Whilst it might feel easier to give in to demands and to believe everything he or she says, this only allows them to avoid facing the problem
Leave the responsibility for the gambling and its consequences with them
Help them admit to it and to work at overcoming the dependency
Do not condemn them, as this is unhelpful and may drive them back to gambling. However, setting firm and fair boundaries to their behaviour is constructive
Do not trust them with money until the dependency is broken. If they agree, it is helpful to manage their money for a short period
Join our special Forum pages for partners and relatives or exchange experiences in our ChatRoom
Download our leaflet about Supporting a problem gambler
If you are the friend or relative of a problem gambler and would like to talk to someone about the impact their gambling has on your life, contact our advisers on NetLine or Helpline 0845 6000 133"

Please call them today

A friend of mine went through a similar ordeal, so you have my sympathies. Only thing I would add would be to ask if the house is in joint names, or just yours? And if in joint names, I would change it.

When it all came out, my friend discovered that her DH had remortgaged the house, having forged her signature, and blown the lot . She got good professional financial advice and managed to save the house, but she had to "sell" the house to her family and rents it from them. It was a huge mess. They are still together, but I don't think things will ever be the same between them. She works all the hours God sends to try to pay off the huge debts he racked up

Get some good financial advice and make sure you have money that is completely inaccessable to him. Hope it works out ok for you

SIL ended up having to sell the family home too - should have had 200k equity in it all down to gambling.

Start divorce proceedings and seperate your finances immediately.

The debts were mainly his,we are on a joint debt management plan so will ask them how we split the debt.
My head is telling me to leave.He actually walked out a few weeks ago before he admitted all this - made it all my fault, & I actually apologised to him! I am my own worst enemy here & I think this is the last straw.

It's the same script that SIL had

They were on a debt repayment plan, word from him is that she had a mid life crises - nowt to do with his gambling and lying!!!!!

He too had got charges against the house without her knowledge and loans everything. Complete nightmare. She is so much happier now she's on her own and financially on an even keel.

Thanks for the advice,I have changed all security info, Pins etc. and will refuse to give him anything.Will get some financial advice asap & make sure we are protected.

Her ex managed to get credit cards after they were on a debt repayment plan - no idea how but they are so good at lying, he was meeting the postman down the road so she never saw the statements etc.

Fantastic post Attila

Princess Jo

I would listen to your head now re divorce and protect yourself financially. Your H is clearly in denial about the whole gambling problem he has and has blamed you. Again typical of someone completely in denial.

You need financial and legal advice asap; I would be speaking to a Solicitor on Monday morning.

What do you know about this debt management plan; some of these debt manegement companies only service the debt and can take longer for it to be repaid. If the debt is mainly his then I would ask why this was taken on jointly. I would also be speaking to the CCCS (Consumer credit counselling service) if you have not already done so. Your finances are in a real mess and I would also hazard a guess that there is more for you to find out about the amount of money that is owed.

The debt management plan is with CAP and they are really good.It's any payday loans he's taken that I don't know about that worry me as this caused the debts before.
I will speak with a solicitor and get some financial advice on Monday.
Thanks for your posts Atilla,lots if useful info. Definitely 'listen to head' time.

Yes CAP is good, speak to them again as soon as possible so they are aware of the situation.

I have been through similar with an ex - mix of gambling and alcohol coupled with what I know now was personality disorder (official diagnosis)

I remember clearly the endless endless manipulative and often elaborate lies - I had to lend so and so money for bail from prison, for someone to have an abortion, it was for a girl who needed a taxi (250 quid!) it goes on. I financially supported him from being sacked (reason never clear) to repaying money he stole from his new employers Christmas party fund to save him from being sacked for embezzlement. He would take money using my cashcard, used my credit card online without me knowing, stole from friends who came to our house (not proved but when it happens several times to different friends and there's only 3 of you at home it doesn't take a genius to work it out) After we split he took loans out using my address and named me as guarantor racking up more and more debt.

Op it nearly destroyed me emotionally and financially -.When we did split he left me in 35k worth of debt. We did the whole handover of finances but it didn't work - he just became better at getting round my safeguards.

Now his version of the truth is probably different. He never thought he had a problem and didn't want help and god knows I tried but he couldn't be helped. My advice would be protect your dc (luckily we never had any despite his desperation) and protect yourself. I wish MN had existed then because I thought it was normal and its not.

I found out my OH was gambling in sept 2009 but he looked me in the eye, cried and swore it was a mistake and he would never do it again, i stupidly beliieved him (because he could look me in the eye) then when I was 2 months pregnant discovered £10,000 of our savings was 'missing', he shouted at me saying i was accusing him of stealing etc but i was convinced he was lying so recalled all savings statements - he had gambled it all. He agreed to go to GA and I have to believe he did - no proof though. Now my DB is nearly 2 years old and my OH and I have not been 'close' since i found out he could look me in the eye and lie, i'm not sure i love him anymore or if its because we have been estranged so long ( he works away in week) how do i know if i love him or if its because i hate him for looking me in eye whilst he lied and gambled our sons future money? I dont know what to do, he is more like a lodger than husband but dont want my little man to lose his dad. why did he have to lie so easily and how can i trust him again, anyone have experience in this?
Desperate

Oh Princessjo have to echo the others saying get yourself to a solicitor. He's repeatedly lying to you, and seems to have no regard for those around him- his addiction is more important. He's not going to give up overnight...isn't there likely to be more lies, more thefts....how much more can you take???? Where will it end?

He has an addiction problem, and this is no way to live for you and your DD. Until he gets back on his feet, he is just going to drag you and your DD down with him.

Maybe stay with friends/family for a while while he sorts his life out.