How do I have this conversation without 'nagging'?

[belindarose]

I really need to tell DH how I need him to do more around the house. I'm a SAHM/ PT worker but now on mat leave anyway. 37 weeks pg and a nearly 3 yo DD.

I've not had an easy pregnancy and was diagnosed with antenatal depression a couple of months ago. Improving a lot with ADs. DD is lovely but hard work (aren't they all?) and very demanding of me.

I find myself always feeling resentful towards DH (and moaning about him to friends, which isn't very pleasant). He works full time and can't seem to do anything when he gets home. If I specifically ask him to do something, like walk the dog if I haven't managed it, he'll usually do it. He's been making dinner more often while I bath and bed DD.

But basically, does nothing else around the house. I've had to hire a gardener because I haven't been managing it during pregnancy (only a small garden that needs tidying now and again). There are things from Christmas that need to go in the loft. Heavy things that need taking to the tip. Stuff I can't do at the moment. He doesn't mind mess. I'm not particularly tidy but would like to be if I had some help.

He always finds time to play his computer game (always late to bed so tired in the morning). He also has an outdoor hobby, that I support, but eg is spending all today doing it (getting up just before he had to leave so I did all morning stuff with DD as usual).

Why can't I just have this conversation? My friend/ mum always say 'well haven't you told him how you feel?' and I haven't. I just let it build up until I'm really upset, then it doesn't seem rational and looks like it's depression.

Nagging is just what it's called when a woman whose husband ignores her keeps talking.

He's a lazy shit.

I am 36 weeks pregnant and DH is doing pretty much everything around the house now. I'm too tired and need to conserve what kittle energy I have for work and my 2 girls.

Why not tell him how hard it is to respect or fancy a man who isn't capable of looking after his heavily pregnant wife?

It's not very manly, is it? Fucking off to do his hobby all day and leaving his home in a tip for a small child and heavily pregnant woman?

Real men have more pride in themselves than to act like selfish teenagers rather than look after their families.

You have built it up in your mind to be more scary than it is and that may be part of the depression I think. Unless you are frightened he will react badly?

I think you've already found your answer.

Ask him to do specific things like you're already doing (walking the dog). Say 'can we put this in the loft today' then start to try and lift it and hopefully at 37 weeks gone he will rush to your aid.

Same with stuff to the tip.

Remember you have already said he doesn't notice/ isn't bothered by mess so it's not like he's doing it deliberately to piss you off.

Also say 'I' a lot. 'I find it really difficult to get round this stuff which has to go in the loft' - don't say 'move the stuff you fucker' .

What are you afraid of?
Do you think he will react badly?

If not, then you should sit him down and talk it out.

Also with my dh we have the Friday night convo 'what do we need to do this weekend'. That means we're then accomplishing stuff as a team.

'Nagging' - to me anyway - is the action of constantly reminding someone to do things they're already doing. It isn't nagging therefore to tell someone assertively & emphatically ONCE exactly what you require them to do and why not doing it is unacceptable. That's called 'managing'. Obviously, if things have dragged on like this for some time you struggle with being assertive. So he thinks you're OK with it and will be surprised when you set him straight. Make a list, be specific and then tell him what to do.

We do the Friday evening "weekend jobs" conversation too.

BTW - he does see the mess, he just doesn't think it's anything to do with him (because it's your job).

Hi belinda,

You've got your hands full haven't you - with a 3 yr old and 37 wks pregnant, I remember what that was like and its exhausting. You have all the planning for the new baby and a toddler to entertain too. I am the queen of avoiding confrontations so I know its infinitely preferable to just get on with it than face the issue, but you know it really needs to be done now - you'll have even more to contend with - sleepless nights etc - once the baby comes.

Rather than allowing yourself to get resentful about his lack of help around the house, why not just ask him to do the 2 most important things tomorrow for eg, ie take the rubbish to the tip and put the stuff in the loft - and as soon as he does something, acknowledge it (sorry but if thats the best way to get it done, its worth it) and tell him how much easier it is for you when the junk is out of the way...

As far as the computer game is concerned, you need to point out that you're both going to need all the sleep you can get in a few weeks and that maybe he could limit the game to just an hour so that he isn't too tired to give you some support? I think this may be a case of taking small steps to get him heading in the right direction -

I hope this helps

Men accusing women of nagging is a ploy to get them to STFU while they carry on doing what they want to do.
Don't let him get away with it. If he persists, you can say "You can call it what you like, but I'm asking you to do something that needs to be done and you've chosen to ignore me. That's unreasonable."