help me help a friend.

[Dprince]

Ok I have wrote this twice and lost the first one.
I have a very good friend who has children my age (late twenties). We are going out to eat so we can have a chat. She has reason to believe that her eldest is being emotionally and financially abused by her dh
So to give some background the dh only allows a 30 min visit to her mum (my friend) per week, as long as he is there. If he can not got my friends dd can not visit. This is because he feels once a person is married there is no need for 'extended' family. The dd was very excited when agreed to these weekly visits as originally it was 6 visits per year. The dh has been very open in telling my friend this. She isn't allowed to attend family functions, the one she did attend resulted in him shouting at her because she was 'eyeing up her cousin' and her running after him begging forgiveness. I was at that party so witnessed it first hand.
With regards to money. She had to provide a list of all things a baby needs with prices before she was 'allowed' to get pg. Budgeting is good, however she had meet all these costs herself and provide proof she had not overspent and bought extras. Even an extra baby grow wasn't allowed, even though she works and she was paying. The baby is due in a few months and the dd has told my friend that the dh has told her that he doesn't want this baby to impact him financially at all. So she has to pay for everything for the baby once its born. Including food, clothes, toys etc.
He earns more than her , alot more, but she contribute most of her wage to the bills. She must show him her bank statement every month to show where what is left is going. He has told her he must be a sahm as he will not pick the child up from nursery or help with childcare. This will leave her living on CB money and having to provide everything for herself and baby.
These are just a few examples. The problem is that the dd emails her mum mentioning things (dh is unaware as she emails from work) when my friend tries to talk to her she gets defensive (usual in these situations) and says its just how he is and he doesn't mean it in a bad way he is just old fashioned. She has also stopped communicating with my friend when she has pushed the issue. So she no longer pushes it as she is scared her dd will end up feeling she has no where to go.
I need your help because i am going to dinner with this friend and i know she needs to talk about it. There have been a few instances of the dh banning my friend from contacting her dd. I don't know how to help. I can't imagine how painful it is to see your dcs going through this. My plan is to listen and support. But is there any advice i can give her?
She is a really dear friend and i wish i could do something practical, but not sure what.
So i am not drip feeding, i have witnessed some of this instances myself, but not all. I am going from what my friend has told me. Please help me, help her.

There is nothing you can do apart from support your friend.

There is nothing your friend can do until her daughter sees the light.

Never criticise or undermine this man or he will isolate the girl more from her family. She needs to know that her family will always be there for her with unconditional love.

Thank you. That's why its so hard. Any steps taken apart from support will make it worse. My friend is really worried about when the mat leave starts as the only way they communicate, that he isn't present for, is work email.

Does the husband work? Once the daughter's mat leave starts could mum go and visit while he's out?

He does work. That's a good idea.

Good. But advice would be to steer clear of any talk of hubby unless daughter brings it up herself. Just having more contact with mum that's non-judgemental (not that I think your friend is judgemental, just that things get easily misconstrued in such high voltage circumstances such as EA/DV), could be enough to give the daughter some confidence to talk about any problems she's having. She might not be ready for a while though.

My friend has made the mistake of telling dd her dhs actions aren't normal or old fashioned. At that point she didn't hear from dd for a few days, until the weekly visit. The dd didn't want to cancel as dh would have asked questions. My friend also struggles as the dd has become quite nasty to her on occasion, in front of dh. Talking down to her. My friend thinks its because the dh quiet likes it and on these occasions he has then bought her things in the following days. He bought her a new car after the dd told my friend she agreed with his pov on extended family and didn't need her mum anymore followed by 'you are lucky we come see you at all'.
Another bone of contention is that the other dd is a lone parent (no input from the Childs father). The dh doesn't approve of lone parents and suggested the child would be better being adopted than raised by lone parent. The relationship between the sisters had deteriorated as well. My friends dh wanted so badly to ring his neck. But he just went for a walk.

Friend's DD is definitely being abused and things are likely to dis-improve after baby arrives, as these types of men seem to take baby as an excuse that 'now you cant leave me for the good of the child'.

On the other hand, DD will not have her eyes opened by an outside agent, however close and any criticism of him will increase her attempts to justify him to herself and others.

Gently ensuring that all she hears from mum is support, praise and uncompromised love will keep the door open.
Is DD aware of MN (not being funny but lots of threads here that she might identify with and help her educate herself). Of course 'D'H may censor her internet usage but this site at least has a safe-ish pregnancy/early motherhood guise too.

Cross posted. Of course she is going to agree with his POV if anyone attacks him. Tell your friend to 'big him up' if anything- might give DD more room to see his failings.

He sounds absolutely appalling

That's what abusers do though isn't it? Cut their victim's ties with those closest. As hard as it's going to be, Mum needs to just keep being there and not rising to his nasty bait (including the self-protection stuff that's coming out of the daughter). Not sure I'd be strong enough to keep quiet but the only other option would be playing right into his hands.

I suppose your friend could give her DD the link to this site - for the funny stories and tips rather than relationship advice, of course. Maybe if she read something similar to her own situation it would hit a nerve? Or perhaps mum could play the abuser at his own game with flattery etc., so that she gets to stay close to the family until required?

Ultimately, I think most women in this kind of situation know it's wrong, even if they choose to stick around 'for the children', 'because I love him' and the usual cock-eyed excuses. She wouldn't tell her mother the things she has told her if she really believed he was 'old fashioned' etc. She wouldn't e-mail secretly from work and so forth if she didn't realise she was being oppressed at home. So mum is her link with the outside world and one day she will ask her for help. Sadly, that help can't be forced or rushed.

Tbh, I wouldn't mention the husband at all, but I'd gossip like crazy about people I know or made up including snippets of abusive partners as well as normal couples and how abused partners managed to get out.
This should slowly put a picture of what's normal or not and will help her when she wants to leave. Because she probably will at some point.

Thank you all so much. I felt so crap that all I could come up with was being a shoulder to cry on for my friend. I have suggested mn to friend for her as she might like it and get some tips on how to support her dd. She is resolved to being there for her dd even if its painful watching what is happening, be use she wants her dd to know she is there when her dd decides enough is enough and leaves. Thank you again.

I found it hard to understand who was who.

Is your friend this abused girl's mum or the girl herself?

She is being treated disgracefully but the only person who can make the decision to leave it the woman herself.