new relationship... petrified and confused

[saladsandwich]

been split from my ex 2 years after 9years of dv of every kind, in the last 2 years i've kept myself single but recently i've wanted abit more, saw a chap in february and that fizzled out before it began, started seeing this lad a month ago but i just feel frightened.

he is a nice lad hes visited a few times, i know its me thats the problem i no feel stuck, i want out but im scared im letting a good man go, hes the only person who is anywhere near sane to show me any affections or attention.

the sex side of things petrifies me, its ok but my ex was sexually abusive and tonight it reminded me of him. i was scared and stil am, i dont kno how to end things if i need to, i dont know what to do... hes stopping over but fast asleep atm on my couch i rather him go home but hes sorta just started stopping if he comes round

Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway, honey.

Is the sex that bothers you? Or is it the fear of intimacy? Would you feel more comfortable if he were to go home shortly after you've had sex with him? Or are you not having sex with him?

You've said that tonight you were reminded of your sexually abusive ex. Was that because of a particular sexual act you engaged in with this new man or was it just the fact that you were having sex with him?

it is a few things that are bothering me, i don't know if hes lying about some stuff but i dunno if i'm being paranoid or if its him... we have had sex and i regret it now but only because i think it was too soon and its all abit too much too quickly i would rather he didnt stop at mine.

he reminde me of my ex the way he was last night, it was all too much for me probably fine for someone else but i told him i werent interested in something last night and he still tried it on a few times and kept pulling my hair and stuff hes never done that before but i dont want to go n to details with him why i dont like none of that stuff

You need to listen to your instincts. If you've just come out of an abusive relationship your boundaries are probably shot to pieces, and it sounds like you're right to be worried about this man.

Trying something on with you in bed after you've said no is a massive red flag. Those are not the actions of a 'nice lad'. It sounds like you're in danger of starting a new relationship with another abusive twat, especially since you say you're 'frightened' - honestly, this is not how relationships should be.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? They work with women to teach them more about abuse and how to recognise abusive men. Please do check it out - I think you might find it helpful.

Maybe when he goes home, send him s message/email explaining what you want i.e I would prefer we take it slow/you didn't stay over just yet because of what I've been through etc. If he's a good man, he will understand.

Don't see this man again or let him into your house. He's doing things you've told him not to. You don't need to explain it to him.

salad, it's your home, your body, your choice. If a man does something to you that you have asked him not to do, he is not a good man. Tell him to go home and tell him you do not want to see him again. Get a friend or relative to come over if you are worried how he may react, or how you will feel afterwards.

X-posts with salad, he doesn't sound nice. Agree with every else

Get rid of him. He is abusive.

You should listen to your gut instinct. It's going to be on high alert after what you've been through but this is not paranoia.

If he is happy to ignore your wishes at such an early stage in your relationship it will only get worse.

I don't thing this is the guy for you. You are in control of your life now. You don't owe him an explanation. Just simply say no thank you next te he asks to meet.

Agree with colliecollie. Two years is a very short time. I think you need to be able to function in a relationship and have a grip on what has happened before you start seeing anyone. This one sounds wrong, he is not respecting your boundaries and you are not feeling able to assert them. You need to dump him I think.

YY to what others have said. I am 2.5years out of an very abusive marriage and havent considered getting into anything as I am still (re)learning what is acceptable and what is not.
Bottom line- you are on here because your gut tells you that this is not a safe one for you. If he is a good one, all you need to tell him is that you are not comfortable with the speed or direction things are going. A good one will understand and back off.
A not-so-good-one will be making excuses, trying to get you to see things his way and put you in doubt about your feelings. Dont go there. Get rid of.

Please don't see this man again. He sounds very disrespectful. How does he end up staying the night, do you ask him to leave and he says no or is it that he just won't leave?

If he's trying to make you do things that you don't want to do then that is a deal breaker and massive red flag of future abuse. He doesn't respect you or your space.

You make no mention of him taking you out? This sounds like he is taking advantage of your very tender nature (which will take a while to sort out) and sees you as a commodity to be used.

Nip this in the bud. When we attract users into our lives, we need a long long spell to get that imprint off our foreheads. I had to take out many years to change my patterns and have finally attracted a normal, kind person into my life.

I feel worried for you. Get some support to help you stop this dead end situation. Just wondering if cannabis is involved and he just drifts off to sleep on your couch? Whatever.....you deserve a lot better and nothing is a hundred times more preferable to this! ((x))

Please end this relationship.

No way a normal bloke would not take no for an answer.

End it. Tell him that you don't want any more contact and that if he does so, you will call the police.

Your instincts are trying to protect you, please let them. WE are trying to help you listen to them. Please listen.

Trust your instincts, honey. This man is another abusive twat who's already taken advantage of you.

You don't owe him anything and you shouldn't have any concern about getting him out of your life.

Send him a text saying 'I've enjoyed knowing you but as I'm not ready for a relationship, I won't be seeing you again. With best wishes for your future happiness'.

If he doesn't accept that it's over and you feel pressured by him in any way, PLEASE don't hesitate to call the police - and come back here for all the support you need.

You're worthy of a lot more than tossers like him, my love, Rebuild your self-respect and set your boundaries in tablets of stone before you enter into any more social or sexual intercourse with the opposite sex.

tbh he was drunk last night which put me on edge even more i really thought i was ready :( i dont know how to word things, i'm just not going to message him tonight cool things.... what worries me more im looking back at things that have been said, he seems vindictive with lies so im worried what he'll spread about me, already had my name dragged through the gutter by the ex

Salad, hope you're okay. Try not to worry about what he says, and look after yourself. He sounds like an arse.

Oh for gods sake, leave this man alone, he's no good.

Just text him saying u need to be alone and aren't ready for a relationship right now. Cut him out of your life, he's causing you anguish and you don't need it.

Love, we're not saying you're not ready for a relationship, that's just an inarguable excuse for him.

No-one's ready for the kind of relationship HE'S selling.

FWIW, see if you can do the freedom programme, it may help you. It did me.

Please understand that your recovery is in steps. Anyone that comes into your life atm is more than likely going to be a transitional person, you need to view them as practice in a way.

With each sucessful navigation of the relationship path, you will grow and learn.

Yes you may feel disappointed about this one, but don't forget that it was you that spotted that there's something about this guy that warranted posting here!

You learned something, you listened to your instincts. Now is the time to act on them.

You know you can't fix/change this guy; you know he'll destroy you, so just end it.

We're all here to pick up the pieces. You know that. (((((Hugs))))))

Oh and if he slags you off? Just proves your point that you were right to dump him.

A drunk that coerces you into sex that you don't want, stays over when you don't want him to and who you think will bad-mouth and lie about you publicly? Part of the recovery process from an abusive relationship is trusting your instincts with new people & finding the confidence to reject them if they don't meet your new, higher standards

It's progress, therefore, to spot that there is something wrong about this man. Drop him now and your self-respect and confidence will increase. Keep developing yourself as an individual, keep boosting your self-esteem and independence, keep your guard up and trust your judgement.

Good post cogito.