please help me,What have I done? (sorry long)

[IpodMermaid]

DP and I together for six years, have 1 DS of 2. Met late in life, both now crumblies of 43. Intially, lots in common; passions: music, polictics ( I know, but someone has to), liberal, ostensibly laissez-faire atttitudes to work, but, luckily, financially comfortable.

Stresssfully, big life decisions: moving in together and trying for a family, committing to IVF have all been big drama affairs requiring ultimatums on my part. He hates change of any kind, however small (to the point when we were dating any change of venue would send him into a strop " We said we were going to X " (where Y is 100m away).

I like to have a life plan because I'm greedy and want to get the best possible time out of life. DP is totally negative about everything and passive to the point of inertia. I have wilfully overlooked this because I was an egotistical fool and thought that once he saw what an engaged life with some risks and sponteneity looked like he might actually get more enthusiastic about life. He hasn't.

He is a good dad, we take it in turns to get up with early-rising but otherwise absolutely, totally gorgeous DS. The most animated I've ever seen my DP is when we talked about seperation and he said that not seeing DS every day would break his heart. If he woke up one weekend and said he was taking DS swimming or similar I would faint. He largely works from home with cushy hours and I am a largely self-funded, previously self-employed, SAHM with plans to return to work in September.

We've had some tough times; in three years: a miscarriage, told we were infertile, a successful IVF and live birth, another pregnancy but a termination because of Down's Syndrome. He can't talk about these things or even small things like improving the house. In response, I have become a mute.

Oh, there is so much to say and it all sounds so silly but I am a husk of my former self. I can't imagine going through life with him, kicking him every step of the way and thinking "Yes, that was a good life lived".

My family was fucked up and so was his, please tell me how we can sort this and not screw upmy son's life?

Have you actually approached him saying this?

If he can see how badly it's affecting you, if he loves you, surely he will be spurred on to react?

Mrs Cumerbatch - thank you for replying, I am in real need of someone to talk to. In answer to your question, yes, I have. His reponse was "I need to empty the washing machine". He is in total denial. He thinks that the problem is that we are parents of a small child. I think that we are the problem not our delicious son.

I have allowed myself to become ground down by this and I really don't know whether I just have to suck it up or, in the real world, I have to make some hard moves and reclaim a positive life for me and my boy. I don't want him to grow up thinking that the world is a circumscribed place where life is tedious. Yes, life is hard and sometines, you get out what you put in but LIVE, LIVE, LIVE. Don't shy anway. From everything.

There is a fair amount of 'settling' that one has to do in life. I think when you have kids and a house in suburbia and office jobs you know you are not going to be a rock star

For me that is reasonable. Settling for tedium is not.

From the sounds of things I think he is suffering from depression bit not dealing with it very well.
Does he have any interests/hobbies that can rekindle his passion/any passion for life?

Relationships are for better and for worse but if he refuses to improve hi homelife for the sake of his beloved child and his family's mental health it might be easier to go it alone.

Is he always so evasive??

It would seem that despite a few superfical interests in common, politics, music, and a laissez faire attitude to work, fundamentally you and your dp are polar opposites.

Opposites can attract but, for reasons that physics has yet to fully explain, they can also repel.

Change is your lifeblood; you thrive on the challenge of surviving by adapting to, or overcoming, whatever life throws at you. For your dh, the concept of change is his worst fear realised.

I find it easy to be laid back about matters that would drive others into a frenzy of activity but, despite my frequently chilled out appearance, the cogs remain on red alert ready to swing into action.

Sadly, it seems that your dp's cogs have rusted through disuse and it may be too late for the oil of ultimatum to free them.

I wish I could be more encouraging but, given your dp's inability or unwillingness to engage in conversations about matters that are deeply meaningful to you, it seems to me that if you stay in this relationship you are going to wither on the vine, so to speak.

By your own admission, you gambled on being able to energise or revitalise him and you've lost. Would he consider engaging in joint counselling to see if you can establish some common ground whereby you can play to each other's strengths and learn to tolerate any perceived weaknesses in your differing attitudes to life?

DS has the rockstar moves. I realised aeons ago that while music is my radar, the rocksta life is not my destiny (BTW I love music, but am not some
dreamer, I have my own accountant and everyting!"

I feel like I have let myself become dust, grind between the mills of (natural) reponsibility and my DP's view of what life offers.

His folks: rich, entitled, audio version of the Daily Fail.
Mine: poor: bioplar, enthusiastic and ruthless about life.

Can we really make it?
My poor darling boy.

If by 'poor darling boy' you're referring to your ds, providing you both put his needs first and co-parent in a civilised manner, there's no reason why he should suffer any ill effect should his dps separate.

Regardless of whether you separate or find a way to work on your relationship together, your ds may be considered fortunate in having two parents with very different outlooks on life and I suspect that he'll grow up to emulate the best qualities of both of you and, as a result, will become an extremely well-balanced individual.

As you very well know, life is for living and it's far too short to squander on a non-productive relationship which can only engender more regret with every passing day.

If your dp won't agree to joint counselling, reclaim your life and and live it well.

Izzyizin - Thank you for talking to me. I do mean my poor darling DS. I think that if I get sufficiently lawyered up ( I am nominally £rich and culturally poor, he is relatively £poor and his dad is a barrister) we could do this civiilly and without either of us feeling like we've been had.

He is already the very best of both us - tremendous imagination and terribly polite!!
I genuinely don't known whether it is the drama queeen from my Dad or the pragmatist optomistic mum that is making me call this to head. I am so conscious of how short life can be.

However, my DP will go to counselling, but can you/ is it desirable to really strech your personality?

Only you can be the judge.

Counselling may work for you to get the best separation.

Not sure how important the parents are in this case. Is he anything like his?

Could you contemplate stretching yours? By stretching I mean trying to appreciate more what you have with your H and especially to appreciate more what your DS has and how much your H seems to love him. I also mean trying to see what strengths your H brings to the table instead of seeing him in a negative light. I suppose I also mean that some of the living of life means stopping to smell the roses and not doing the saturday morning swimming, and what I am suggesting is that you seem to be shying away from this part.

Do you both value the stability your DS has? How much are you prepared to try to meet in the middle with your H and to see the glass half full in him? What new communication skills would you be willing to learn in order to create a win win situation here for your little family? Are you able to get beyond sentimental feelings for the DS and stretch yourself to salvage whatever is salvageable in the relationship? For your DH"s part, is he willing to be assessed for depression, anxiety, avoidant personality, maybe even find out if he has some element of aspergers in his makeup? Is he willing or able to get out of his own comfort zone and stretch himself for the sake of the DS's stability?

Would you consider some counselling of your own to figure out why you value the taking of life by the horns in a spirit of 'life is short' -- which is a foundation of fear more than enthusiasm imo.

Lueji - he (D P) is the spit of his daddy. His step mother confides in me about how miserable her life is.

I hope that counselling may give us some pointers for how people can each a meaningful rapproachment

Am I kidding myself - or should I set sail for a different life?

My problem is such a boring m/c dilemma it?
Mx

Can I ask what your different life would be? Sometimes people just hanker for the grass on the other side of the fence.

You have been through a lot and now mid life reckons, it is usual for us to think "is this it?" when actually the "it" really isn't too bad IYSWIM.

Get some counselling for yourself to understand why you think like this/what you are going through, maybe joint counselling as well to help your DP open up (you never know, he may just lack the skills).

Google mid life crisis (I used to be able to link to a very good article but am on iPad now), it's all about how we see ourselves, whether we have not been true to ourselves in our younger years and whether we are becoming that "true" self in mid life. It might just help you as well.

Good luck.

Thanks Counting to 10. You are probably right re: midlife crisis although it feels like it's been a while in the making!
We are going to joint counselling soon and I hope that may help us better understand whether we can stay together and what we need to do to stop disliking one another.

I think your son would be much happier living in a happier atmosphere than living as he does now. You sound awfully fed up (and I don't blame you.)

Have you thought of living separately but very near to each other, so that your son can go between you? Do you get along with your partner well enough that you could be neighbours?

What would be your ideal life? What would be your partner's? What attracted you to him at the start? Six years isn't a long time - has he retained any of the qualities you fell for?