V worried about SIL re Abuse

[ElenorRigby]

18 months ago out of the blue my SIL broke down and told me my brother had mentally and physically abused her.
The most shocking thing she said was that my brother told her she was mental, that she would be sectioned and lose their young baby (6 months at the time). She was also the main carer for her mother who was seriously ill at the time and who died just a few months later. She was absolutely distraught. I told her I would help in any way she wanted me too, that the door was always open.

A day or so later she sent me a text to say, she was just over tired and emotional. She had had a long chat with her husband (my B) and they were fine all ok.

Since then it's seems very difficult to see SIL on her own. She never visits my parents any more. My B brings their daughter to visit on his own. My family often asked why she never visited any more.

Very recently my SIL's dad very suddenly became ill. When SIL's dad was ill I accidentally bumped into her, I gave her the support at that brief time (an ear and hug, for that 1/2 an hour) and said again if she needed any sort of help please give me a call. Within weeks SIL's dad died. :(

I have just learnt that she called my other brother and repeated to him that she had been abused in the ways she had disclosed to me 18 months previously. Later again she retracted what she had said, saying she was tired, emotional etc

I am now extremely worried. She had lost most her family and seems to be crying out for help. Please give me your kind thoughts and advice?

Can you visit her whilst your brother is at work?

Do you think this is something your brother is capable of?

I agree visit when brother is out. Engineer lots of family events at your house. Get in their lives as much as you can. Initially 'just being nice to your brother' until you find out what is really going on.

Thanks for your replies.

Dprince and peabody, when SIL married my brother, I was worried about her even then. SiL is lovely, very very kind and caring.

Re My brother Oh dear!!! I hate to say he's never been nice

You are her family. She trusted you in that moment when she confided in you. What did she say when you saw her recently?

It sounds as though your brother is controlling her if he isn't letting her near any of you.

I think you need to take action. Do you or your other brother have room for her to stay? Does your other brother have a partner?

Is she local enough to turn up during the day unannounced?

Ok. Then you need to gently muscle your way in to their lives, be really friendly to both of them so you can find out what's going on.
The problem is you don't have enough detail. She has done this around the time her parents died. Could the stress of it all be to much (the abuse and losing a parent) and she breaks down. Or is there a chance her parents dying are making her 'imagine' things. From what you have said its the first. But I am thinking her parents dying could be triggering almost a mental breakdown situation. I am in no means saying that she is making it up or you should assume she is. But my mum had a breakdown when her mum died and she would talk about things that didn't happen. Visitors that never came, dad screaming at her etc. I lived at home and she would swear I had been present, she did it once when dad asked her if she wanted a cuppa. She freaked out and said he was making her feel bad. He hadn't done anything and it really effected him. Now she says it was like an out of body experience, she knew was being ridiculous but couldn't stop herself. All the pain and anger came out.
Don't want to hijack your thread just explaining where I am coming from without sounding like I am blaming her. I think in all likelihood its abuse and she retracts it as she doesn't mean to tell anyone but just breakdown. You need to gain her trust and build a solid relationship. Take her for lunch, don't bring it up. Just show her she still has family even if you are technically dbros

I'd try to orchestrate meeting her without your brother being around.

If you know what he's like you can help her and your dn by trying to help her get help.

She can try women's aid and the rest of the family can believe and support her and make it firmly known to your brother that his treatment of your 2 family members will not be tolerated.

The whole family needs to stand up in support of her and your dn.

All the best.

But DPrince, although your poor mum's delusions must have been awful for her, I don't think it's the same as this situation. The OP has said her brother is not a nice man. Her SIL has said he physically and mentally abuses her. Then he's clearly stopped her from coming to the family, knowing damn well she doesn't have any other family. She's told two of his siblings how she is being treated. I really feel for your mum - it sounds awful - but I think what this SIL is saying is actually what she is experiencing.

Which is why I said that I though in all likelihood that its abuse. I also said that I thought it 'was the first' (referring to it being actual abuse). I thought it may be worth a thought. Either way (again I do feel the abuse is more likely than her having a breakdown) having a strong bond with her the op will help the sil.

But thank you for your sympathy. It was tough, she has suffered withe mental health problems for a while. She has however been well for the last 8 years. I have also been a victim of dv. So I think, having first hand experiences of both these situations make me think its worth mentioning at least.
Op I feel sorry for you that you think your brother may be capable of this. My dbro is dhs best friend (friendship built after me and dh got together) and dbro married my best friend. I can't imagine how hard it is for you as well. I admire you for not ignoring it. My exps family denied it when he was found guilty.

Could you aproach her without being too obvious and point her towards womans aid or something?
And tell her that you would take her at your place?

Lots of women feel scared because they "have nowhere to go" or "nobody would believe them".

Do they have children?

Sorry. I did read the op and then forgot the details.

She hasn't anyone else to tell and she told two of you. You need to help her, whatever it takes, particularly given your own opinion of her and your doubts about your brother. For their child, even if for no-one else.

If you do it properly, your brother needs never know you were involved.

You really need to get in touch with her when your brother is at work.

In fact you could get together with your other brother show up at their place and take her to a hotel and give her some money, then arrange a refuge.

I think your B is abusing her, based on the fact that she seems isolated, that he brings the DD to visit but not her, and that she has come out and said it. The specific threat that she mentions that she was mental, that she would be sectioned and lose her baby of 6 months indicates (and I am sorry to say this to you) that your brother is a first class abuser and that this poor woman's life is nothing short of hellish. Please start by believing what she has said. It took courage and desperation to open up.

The reason for the repeated crises, disclosures and retractions may be the cycle of abuse; explosion, honeymoon, calm, tension building, explosion etc.

Power and control here.

Take a look at the links in the right hand column 'the dominator'. 'male psychopaths', etc.

Please do your utmost to establish her trust and to try to get her out of there. You will need to point her in the direction of Women's Aid and assure her that you are on her side and will stand by her. Don't be impatient with her. If her life is the way I think it is, it will take an agonisingly long time for her to even imagine coping on her own, as he will have ground her down so badly.

Buy and read 'Living With the Dominator' by Pat Craven and also 'Why Does He do That; Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft, and give them to your SIL to read if she hasn't already read them.

great post Math. i also think the retractions are down to the cycle, either that or bro suspects his partner of talking and she retracted out of fear of him finding out.

i think you need to tread carefully to speak with sil at first, as if your interaction antagonises your b he may take it out on her after.

someday my B knows that I know. SIL told him what she had said to me. Again that looks like a cry for help to me. It's like she was saying to him your family knows now, change. But instead of changing in a positive way he locked her down, isolated her.

SIL also told me 18 months ago she was worried for her DD because all her DD had heard was SIL and B screaming at each other and SIL crying. :(

It's clear I need to act but in a very sensitive way. I need to think very carefully.

Thanks again for your advice.

Nothing to add to the advice given other than to say what a lovely SIL you are OP.

Can't be easy to hear of a sib behaving like this

You need to plan a rescue and you need to keep your brother in the dark completely. You are a lovely SIL and I hope you will be able to make a huge difference in this woman's life.

Be patient with her but persist all the same.

I hope you can get to see her without your brother around and find out how she really is. She's probably completely isolated by now and doesn't know where to turn - perhaps she was hoping that you or your other brother would tell your parents, to try and rein in her H - did you think of doing that at all? I know she's retracted what she said but that's normal in abuse victims.

Don't tell your parents now until you've seen her again - but do make sure you get to see her face to face and sit down with her. And then, if she wants to leave, help her to do so. Your brother sounds quite horrible really - perhaps direct the poor woman to MN as well, if she hasn't already found it - there are so many threads on here that she could relate to, all the gaslighting and threats about mental health and child removal, she needs to know it's all so much bollocks designed to keep her in line.

You do sound lovely, btw - I hope you can do something for her.