Mismatch - family outings

[loeeloee]

I love going out to cafes and restaurants.

Before we had children we went out all the time. Now we have 2 (DS1&2, 3yrs and >1) and my husband works all the time. He's an academic and a (I think) workaholic.

We rarely go out together as a family. No walks, no park, no beach. No holidays. He works and sleeps. During freetime he is into doing housework and very hands-on with kids. But doesn't like going out "for fun".

Really upset now because I just got in from a lovely trip out with my two boys and my niece. Husband at home working while we played and had milkshakes in a nice cafe. I often go with friends but went alone today as no-one was available.

Everywhere I looked I saw families together. I notice this a lot. Mums and dads relaxing and chatting while the kids play. My husband and I rarely do this and it kills me. He's a professor and works constantly with no end in sight.

When I got home he said a colleague had invited us to go out this afternoon with him and his family. So other colleagues manage. I would love to socialise as a family with other families.

Husband then said he couldn't as he was working on something and couldn't take a break. I'm on the verge of packing up and leaving. I have no family nearby. Thing is, otherwise I think he's a good partner, supportive and a provider, a good role model in other respects and probably a better parent than I am.

It seems dramatic but it is eating me up inside that I have to live a life devoid of family outings when they would make me so happy.

Thoughts? Experiences?

Have you talked to him about it?

yes. he says he doesn't enjoy it because he can't stop thinking about work.

it = family outings.

we never go out w/o kids, either.

You need to talk and you need to be very very firm.

Men who love their work, academics and geeks like my DH are brilliant at being busy rather than talking to people or being seen in public with noisy DCs.

They don't need social contact as much as me, you and our DCs. Bad habits need to be stamped on hard.
My DH would be impossible to live with if he socialised as little as he'd be happy to.

Sometimes he even enjoys himself!

I think you might be right about him being a workaholic. Have you told him about how resentful you feel?

he says he doesn't enjoy it because he can't stop thinking about work.

Right, but does he get that is not a normal frame of mind? And I say this as someone who nearly drove her son to work instead of school one morning a few weeks ago because I was deep in thought about a work problem.

For his own sake, as well as yours, he needs to be able to switch off from work. Why has this changed since you had children?

OP, ask him what he wants to remember when the is 95 and on his death bed - the times with his family or the pile of publications that will be read by 5 people on the planet and then gather dust in some library basement for eternity.

why did he want children?

That is a very lonely feeling, when you know you could have what you envy but your husband won't let you.

You do need to have a really serious talk with him. He will have known people who became workaholics. He will know people who got divorced, too. He is bright enough to know that the others in his department are not working every hour of the day - he will have heard them talk about things they have done and places they have been to. He obviously knows at least one of them was out with his family today.

He runs the risk of losing a lovely family just because of his job. He has to recognise that.

Patron, his h factor won't be much good if he is only read by 5 people on the planet. You would be surprised...
And papers are virtually all online too.
These days, it's publish or perish and academia are very much under pressure.
But I digress.

Anyway, I agree that he needs some time off.
I used to have a colleague that is all work and he actually hasn't produced much. Sometimes the brain needs to switch off to address problems in different ways. He may find it beneficial.

But, you have to talk to him about how you feel and how close to breaking point you are.

Thanks for all the replies.

We had a serious talk/row, then we went out as a family. It wasn't a pleasant atmosphere at first as we both felt resentful (him that he was under pressure, me because he felt pressurised) but we persevered, and we ended up having a great time, both DSs loved it and I felt wonderful being out and being able to share parenting duties. DH enjoyed himself too.

I'm happy now, but we'll see if this is just a temporary fix. I told him how rejected and crushed I feel when I suggest an outing and he turns it down, I explained how much it would mean if he approached me with a suggestion.

Patron's reply made me laugh. I had a long think and part of the reason I feel so resentful is because I think workaholicism is very vain. In response to the poster who asked why he wanted kids, he is very hands-on at home - the issue is outings - I think they're integral while he thinks time at home is adequate.

I also have problems asserting myself in a non-aggressive way, so I frequently avoid saying anything rather than start a blazing row.

On the wake of this, would he agree to an outing per weekend for about 1h and a longer one per month.
Surely he could programme his life to include them then.
And to decide where every other weekend?

It might seem too structured but he might start getting into it.

Maybe your DH finds restaurants and cafés are too much of a hassle with DCs and enjoys being with them at home more? I certainly do (DCs are under three) and don't see the point of eating out with them unless we have to (I.e. are too far to go home for the relevant meal).
Maybe focus on getting out of the house to the park and for walks at first and introduce cafés and the like later (and not every time, so as to respect your husband's views)?