I find asking for help really HARD....

[inthedumps]

Sorry this may be long.

6 months ago we moved out of London because we had had our first child and could no longer live in a 1 bedroom flat and couldn't afford anywhere else locally. This was also around the time of the London bombings and my DH just wanted to leave ASAP. We decided to move to Oxford, close enough to London to maintain friendships but far away enough to have quality of life...

Since we moved it has gone completely tits up and I have ended feeling really awful and filled with absolute utter dispair. I have had to cope with a very active toddler, on my own, with no friends, no family, trying to work 3 days a week in a stressful job, and a DH with his own issues. Even our once very happy marriage is now going wrong.

My parents went on and on about how if we moved to be near them then they would always be on hand to help, I wouldn't have to pay for childcare (my mum has a big issues about paying for childcare - and working mothers too, come to think of it...). So conceding defeat, we have decided to move back home and try and start a new life (again). We have no jobs, nothing, we are just upping and leaving here, mainly because i have been feeling so awful.

Now it comes to it, and the move is imminent (next week) my parents have back tracked on all of their so-called promises and will not offer help eith DS, or much else really. My mum has backed out of helping with childcare for when I find work as she 'may have other things on and don't want to tie up my time'. She won't even care for him while i try and help my DH with the move. As the thread title says, I find asking for help really HARD, yet whenever I do pluck up the courage to ask my parents, they only very GRUDGINGLY agree, which I think is worse than just saying no. It just makes me feel bad and guilty and it is just easier to crack on and do it myself.

I feel completely abandonned and unsupported. Since we left London I have given everything up for supposed 'quality of life' yet I have ended up with no friends, no job, a dysfuntional relationship and have had to give up all of the things which I enjoy. I am really now at the end of my tether and I don't know how to get out of this hole. I just want to go away (by myself) and hide for a long time. If I hear my mum say 'motherhood is so hard' one more time, I will bloody scream.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts.

I agree totally that my parents are just used to me being very independent and perhaps I need to cut them some slack and be better at asking for their help. I think the issue here is that I have been very in control of my life and destiny, being a decision-maker and making things happen for myself. I think for the first time I went with a decision DH made (when he really wanted to leave London), and I guess looking back, I REALLY REALLY didn't want to leave all my friends, my great job and everything behind. So this move has been bad from the start. It seems to have been that every decision made so far (since we moved) has not been good for me and I have totally, completely lost control of everything and this is freaking me out. DH can survive quite happily without friends nearby etc as he is quite solitary and enjoys his hobbies and just going for walks and being 'just us'. I find that stifling (?sp) and it is really spoiling our relationship because i am so unhappy. He does know this now and we are trying to sort it. But I am so scared our relationship has being really damaged.

I knew things would change when I had a baby and I love DS so much, but I feel I have literally left everything behind and its not even really because of him. Little things like meeting a friend for a picnic or for coffee with my DS, that is what is/was important to me.

Reading that all back it sounds as if I am completely utterly selfish but I think it is because we haven't managed to find a middle ground at all. I love the busy cosmopolitan life with lots going on, people coming to the house, dinner parties, meeting up and going out, etc. He likes quiet walks on the beach, doing things on his own and doing everything on our own all the time. How do we work this out and how do I manage in the meantime? I know moving to Devon is not what I want either but the good thing is that we are staying with my parents for a bit before we make any permanent decisions regarding settling permanently again (thus their big involvement in my life all of a sudden).

Hey you are not selfish, for a start! The opposite in fact. It's good that your DH knows how you feel now, you need to keep talking.

I totally know what you mean about control. I feel out of control of my life too for different reasons. It feels pathetic feeling like that, but that's just the way it is!

It's unfortunate that the one time you went with your DH's decision was a huge one like that, leaving behind your whole life that you enjoyed. We all need challenging from time to time and you obviously know you shouldn't really be in control all the time and that your DH has a say too! But you probably didn't need to do something as drastic as that?

I don't know what you need to do in the meantime, but definitely, definitely talk everything through with your DH and be clear and honest about what you want/need and see if there is any way to come to a compromise. And as you say, be clear with your parents that you need help - and don't be vague either, perhaps being specific about what they could do would help. I tend to moan too much to ppl in the hope that someone will offer help - of course they never do and I just feel like a moany self piteous cow!