difficult relationship with mother, childcare issues etc

[MissyMessy]

Hi
I'm a single mum with 3 DCs aged 2, almost 4, and 6. I relocated to my hometown after splitting up with my H 18 months ago, as I needed the support of my family. I had PND, and my ex was at times an abusive man. My family steped in to help me out, and I am grateful for that.

Months down the line I'm finding my relationship with my mum in particular difficult. I work 3 days a week, and my youngest goes to nursery whilst I'm at work. My oldest child is at school, and my middle child goes to nursery 930-12 usually but I have her in over lunch until 330.

So my Mum looks after the 2 eldest DCs from 8-school/nursery time, and then after school, til I finish at 6.

I have stopped asking her to look after them at any other times, eg the evenings, as she always huffs and puffs about how much she does anyway, so generally either I can't go out (even to the gym) or occasionally I will ask my brother to help, but only very occasionally. One time I asked if she could look after them on a Sunday night, so I could go to a show with a friend. The kids had been at my exes until Sunday teatime, and she said, why didn't I organise to go out when the kids were at their Dads. Well the show was only on on one night! And she was miffed as it was the Dancing on Ice final! So I asked my brother and his girlfriend to help instead.

I forgot to book my daughter into lunch and afternoon nursery this week, and she got really cross.

I really rely on my Mum, and I've told her I can't manage without her. And I have tried to put childcare in place so that she doesn't have them as much, which is costly.

Is she just set in her ways? She has never worked since she was married. Or am I asking too much of her.

Thanks

MN will tell you she has brought up one family and should not be bringing up yours.

However normal people would assume that GPs would be willing to help out.

Perhaps she's tired and needs time to herself? Perhaps she's just to tired having three small children full on all the time. Perhaps she feels "used".

I think she is doing alot already to help you out so although it would be nice I don't think you can complain that she doesn't want to do more.

I think you are asking too much, and should be seeking proper child care. Talk to her about the fact you are looking for it and trying to put proper care in place.

Sorry but lots of people don't have the option of free care from the family. Lots of single parents rarely go out, or pay babysitters to do so. She has done a lot for you, and you don't sound terribly grateful just cross for what she doesn't want to do as well.

Hi
mummytime I am very grateful, as I think I said in my post. And I have sought other childcare, like putting my yougest to nursery full time, and my daughter to nursery all day, so she does essentially breakfast and afterschools. And I know thats a big ask. So I guess the answer is to organise more formal arrangements instead, maybe.

Thanks for your advise.

Its nice if GPs can/ are willing to help out.
However I do think she is doing plenty already.
My mum had dd quite a bit, but now she is older finds ds (15 months) exhausting. I am not a single parent. Dh goes to work as soon as I come in. I don't have time to go to the gym, rarely go out etc.
We don't have any 'babysitters' so don't have free time.
I am one of the ones that think that they have brought up their own kids and should be able to enjoy having a bit of freedom now they are older. They have been tied to the restraints of having kids and now you are grown up should be able to do what they want when they want.

It is not you mother's fault that you chose a bad man for a husband. It is not their fault you chose to have 3 children with him. They already supported you so you could end your relationship and le ave and your mum is doing a lot. Yes childcare is expensive didn't you know that before having 3 children? I'm married, we both work a lot, I chose to have one child only because of financial pressures and because our family don't leave near. And even if they did they would have their own life, I wouldn't dream of the putting everything on hold to help me out all the time. This weekend my 5 year old went away to Granny's for the first time in 5 years and we will have a weekend child free, guess what we will be doing? More work. Do you want to go out?? Hire a babysitter.

And ou forgot to book your child's childcare...doesn't sound very responsible tbh

And ou forgot to book your child's childcare...doesn't sound very responsible tbh

For starters, I think you're rather fantastic for juggling so much, no wonder you forgot to book childcare on one occasion. I only have 1 DC and I can hardly remember my own name some mornings.

I know it's hard, I'm there myself, but can you spread the load with other folk? Perhaps find a local teenager to babysit for a sensible sum? Join your local Gingerbread group to network with other parents and organise a babysitting circle with them (costs nothing!).

My parents have my three children before and after school on the two days a week that I work. I am incredibly grateful and wouldn't ask them to babysit the children on any other occasions as I think it would be taking the piss.

I think you are juggling a lot, yes-but you need to sort out alternative childcare, your mum is clearly not happy with what you are asking and it's not her job to be sole childcare provider when you are at work/gym/theatre/cinema/anywhere. It's a big ask to always be the one who gets asked; she's probably knackered.

My friend's two children go to their GP's house before and after school 5 days a week. She pays them very handsomely for this! They tried to refuse payment but my friend feels very strongly that this is more than the 'odd babysitting' that GPs could be expected (if that's the right word) to do. Also she feels by paying them she is compensating them for the loss of their time. Because of this arrangement she feels able to work without feeling she is taking the piss out of them; they have a wonderful bond with the DCs and don't feel she is taking the piss AND they have been able to afford some FAB holidays that as pensioners they wouldn't be able to manage. Win-win. And when they do babysit on the odd Saturday night it's a normal GP freebie!

Mmm.. Your DM is being pretty good with the three days before and after school. So I can see her point.

My DM was never a willing babysitter for my DS - and I can count on my fingers how many times she has looked after him - and he is now 14.

I was a single parent too -from him being 1 up until 4 years ago. I had to use p;aid childcare - full days at nursery on the days I was at work, and once he started school before and after school care - including pick up. If I wanted to go out on an evening and it was his weekend with me I paid babysitters.

I know that some GP take care of the DC five days a week - and good for them. But to be fair, even doing your three days before and after school is tying up those days. Your DM can't just go out for the day to do something else as she needs to be back by 3pm ish.

So while I grumble at my DM for not being more hands on - I can fully understand it.