Complicated father relationships.

[CharlieUniformNovemberTango]

I feel silly writing this but I need to get it off my chest.

Why do I still, at 30, feel the need to please my dad? Why does his lack of interest bother me so much?

I've always felt I've let him down. He'd wanted so much more for me yet I got involved with an older boyfriend at 15 and he thinks it's led to my whole life being ruined. He has this whole attitude that if I'd listened to him them I would be a much better person now.

But I didn't. And now I'm a single parent to two he seems to disappoint at every turn.

His lack of affection, appreciation or interest in me hurts like hell and I need to know how to stop that. I need to stop caring about what he thinks of me.

He lives abroad now. I know he's not a very nice person. He's got a major better then you complex. He has refused to helpenin situations only to turn around in front of other family members and offer to do what I needed which makes him look the hero.

He is currently half an hour away staying for my brothers wedding. My daughter loves him to pieces. He's always made a big deal over how close they were and how he used to take her swimming once a week. She's devestated as she counted down the days until he arrived and he's not bothered with us since he got here.

He's punishing me right now because he asked to take him with her Saturday morning to Wales. It was for one night driving back late Sunday. My brothers wedding is Monday. She would be exhausted and we have plans that day. And I also dared to ask him why he didn't go after the wedding so he could be around for my brother.

It's so stupid but it still upsets me. I thought I was doing better but I've been in tears because he has upset DD. he just makes it so obvious he hates me but now the children are being punished as he knows that will upset me more.

How do you stop being caught up in toxic relationships with your own parents?

You're not being silly at all; your feelings are perfectly valid ones. You have to disengage completely and not be a part of their power games any more.

Children now adults of toxic parents often have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. They also still seek tacit approval from their parents no matter how abusive or rubbish they are or have been. You made some poor decisions previously but that happens to everyone and you did not let anyone down; your Dad did that with regards to you.

You have to disengage entirely from your toxic Dad although that is a hard process to do in its own right. Does your DD really love him to pieces; I doubt it very much and perhaps she puts up with him because of you. He after all is a person who has acted awfully towards his own DD and now is turning his selfishness and fury onto her. Also your DD needs protecting from such a selfish man even though he is her grandad; toxic parents often make for toxic grandparents as well.

You did not make him this way; his own birth family did that to him.

Would also suggest you look at and post on the Stately Homes thread and read the links at the beginning of that thread. Would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point.

When you've created a plaster idol you eventually have to take a stick to it and smash it up. In other words, stand up to him, protect your children and defend yourself. Rehearse some choice phrases, screw up your courage and then say them out loud. You 'dared' to ask him why he didn't go after the wedding. That's a great start. More of that. :) Anticipate that you are going to have to seriously piss him off in the process of becoming more assertive and prepare yourself for that.

You will probably always care about his good opinion but people are only as 'toxic' as we allow them to be.

No advice but sorry to hear about your situation. I have a complex relationship with my dad too, we grew up apart & are not very close. But he is actually a nice person thankfully. But I can sympathise with wanting to please him & wanting his affection. Immlike that with mine.

I really thought I was being silly :(

This last 3 years since DS was born I've tried very hard to untangle the feeling associated with him. I know it's not healthy and thankfully I I don't see him now because of the distance. But when he sends big gestures to my brother and I am ignored it hurts.

He made a big deal about my nephew turning one. He even said stuff about how it's lovely to have a grandson getting to the age where he can play with h when he visits. My son is 5onths older then my nephew :(. But he wasn't planned and in a stable relationship and I ignored him when he suggested I deal with the problem via the clinic. So therefore he won't be excited about his first grandson.

He always saw us weekends and holidays after my parents divorced. I always felt lucky he was still involved and he never ever hit us but now I see things he's done in a different light.

We are in the process of being made homeless. He has just offered his house to my brother rent free for a year. My brother turned it down due to location. So he's let it out to someone else. Not even a mention to me despite knowing what's going on. This is punishment for me moving closer to my mum and away from him years ago before he went abroad.

Now I can see so much of what he's done is punishment.

I just need to know how not to care. I will look at the thread thanks :)

Thanks for your replies :)

You can't not care. What you can do, however, is care about other things more and depend on him less. That comes with forging your own life, being independent, gaining respect in your community, having a strong circle of friends (or other family members) and relegating your Dad to a peripheral role. 'Punishment' - or let's call it what it is 'bullying' - is not effective if it is ignored. Bullies tend to end up rather lonely, bitter individuals...

I'm sorry about the housing situation. But I know that when you get fixed up and you've made it happen yourself without having to crawl to him for help, you'll feel great about it

Thanks :)

I know I'd never accept the house. And he knows I'd never ask. But if I ever mentioned I was hurt by it he will tell others "she only had to ask"

I think now he has upset DD so much I'm feeling strong enough to remove him from our lives. After the wedding though. In the meantime I will just keep smiling and nodding.

I don't think I will see him before them anyway. I just feel like that little girl desperate for daddy to notice her all over again.

Slowly reading through the latest stately homes thread so thanks for the tip on that atilla. I'll look out for the book too.

Thanks

Hi Charlie,

I wanted to post and offer some empathy. I have a complicated relationship with my dad too - he's very controlling and can be so cruel. I understand how painful and confusing it is.
My dad also loves looking good in front of others, but won't make an effort to help his own family unless it suits him.
I am desperate for him to notice and admire me, even though I know he's a selfish and bad-tempered person who doesn't really think or care about how others feel.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this.

How sad.
You could research DF's childhood, often things come around, and there might be something negative in his childhood he is inflicting on you, which won't be much better for you but if you can understand what is causing it (ie something like maybe him being bullied by an adult for doing something he sees reflected in your behaviour or one of his siblings being favoured over him) you might not take it so personally.
If he has siblings you could ask them what childhood was like.

Another example is - my mother prefers boys over girls, huh, but when I thought about it she was a younger sister of two girls, and had a loving father but a humourless and v dependent mother. So I guess she came second fiddle to her sister and loved her dad, so that is probably why she prefers boys now. She even says it to me, and much preferred DGS to my cute DGDDs.
But I can see why and it isn't anything wrong with me, more her upbringing.

I think that his uncaring attitude probably DROVE you into the arms of an older man, and the life you have now may be in part down to him! So for him to 'blame' you for it is rude!!!

I think - separate from him and then see what YOU consider to be success in life, and go for that.

My Dad was the same. I am analogise our entire relationship as me running after him saying 'Daddy Daddy guess what??? I was first violin in orchestra!!!' as he strode off down the street, not listening or bothered. Giving up in gaining his approval was very freeing.

I did end up getting a tattoo tho ;)

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Something2say- I think you may be right about him driving me to the older guy.

On reflection I've always been so pleased by every little bit of male attention. It's classic daddy issues isn't it? :(

Sometimes I feel stupid to be affected by this. I'm an adult now. I should just get on with my own life but every now and then I end up dwelling on this stuff and feeling so abandoned by him.

I do appreciate the replies though :)