Obsessional love, can anyone help me?

[Pseudonymity]

There was a man I had a crush on. I hesitate to call it a crush because to me it feels like I fell in love with him. It has gone on for years, looking back at some personal notes I can see that I fell for him deeply right from the start. It was the way he would look at me, I think I mistook it for something more than it was. He has told me that he thinks I'm beautiful but for me it was more than just this initial attraction. I have thought about it for years without doing anything. He left to work elsewhere and so I won't see him anymore. I am devastated. I also feel trapped in my current relationship that turned platonic a long time ago. I haven't been unfaithful yet but I want to be loved again.

What is there to do about this kind of feeling? Nothing really helps apart from being incredibly busy, which I am not. I've had crushes on people, even pretty intense ones, but nothing like this. I need to forget him. Shall I get therapy? I'm already on medication. I don't have children and I'm not married. Neither is very likely at this point. I wish someone could help me. I have only confided the whole story to one person, he is my ex-lover and he knows what an idiot I am.

Hi Pseudo. I'm not really qualified to give you advice, but I wanted to answer your post.

I know a bit of what you feel. I have for a number of years tried to get over someone that I had a brief sexual relationship with. We remain in touch and he tells me how great I am, and is a friend, but I go through very intense phases of wanting to be with him.

Keeping busy does help, but more than anything else trying to restrict or eliminate contact has helped me. When I can be disciplined about it.

I am in therapy (and on medication) for other reasons and we (therapist and I) do discuss this. I'm not sure its much help though to be honest. It makes me feel a bit ashamed / guilty to talk about him.

I would say not to be tempted to unload to anyone else though. Maybe you might have a better experience with it in therapy than me.

Sorry, long but not very helpful! I wish you some peace with this. x

Honestly it's hard, very hard and takes a long long time!

Firstly recognise that he is not responsible for how you feel when you think or feel about him. This gives him a hold over you that is unhelpful. YOU are the person who feels and acts and thinks about him. Take the ownership of your feelings back and feel empowered when you do this.

Work out what thinking about him gives you. It fills a gap? It's escapism? It's pure fantasy? Security? Who knows but until you do this it's difficult to manage it.

A good therapist would do this with you.

Ceilidhqueen,(not going to highjack thread) have you talked about the guilt etc you feel to your therapist? It's sounds like something else is pulling you back to this man.

Get out of your current shit relationship. At the moment you are probably projecting onto this other man a wish to be rescued from your unsatisfactory partner because of true love, soulmates, all that stuff, from the other man. He may or may not want a relationship with you, he may or may not be holding back because you are already in a relationship with someone else, but it's no one else's job to rescue you from a bad relationship, you have to do it yourself.

SGB, is pithy, but spot on

have you ever told that man how you feel? if not, why not? He could ve thought you were off bound as you were in r-ship. Is he not single now though? it's not impossible to move if you are single, no kids, to where he went to work if things are mutual.

bounds

Did you tell him how you felt? Is he in a relationship etc?

I agree with SGB this stuff is always IME to do with needing to escape from current relationship. Why do you feel "trapped" in that?

Thanks for the advice everyone, it is really interesting to hear your thoughts. I told him tonneofbricks but not really until the last second when I realised that the feeling just wasn't going to go away. He is kind of interested but he is with someone now. I don't know how serious it is, they don't live together and he has moved to another country. When he was single I didn't know about it as his previous girlfriend had always been in another country too.

The reasons why I never told him are complex. He is quite inaccessible socially. I always would see him with big groups of people, including my partner. I was determined to try and make my relationship work as I have already left another long-term relationship to be in this one. I certainly don't want to repeat that pattern again. Unfortunately the same thing has happened in this current relationship as what took place in the last one, I am just not sexually attracted to him anymore. I am wanting that feeling of being in love and being loved by a man. I think this means there is probably something wrong with me as I know other people manage to have long-term sexual relationships. One problem is that my relationship is not shit at all in any other respect, we are best of friends and I am still best of friends with my other ex-lover - this is also a pattern isn't it?

I do wonder if this has happened because I really wanted a baby for the first few years of this relationship and he didn't want it. Did the relationship never move on because of that? Now a baby is unlikely for obvious reasons and I am also getting older and feeling less like I want to be a mother, that could change again if I am in another sexual relationship I suppose.

I have suggested to current partner that we should have other lovers but he thinks that is out of the question, I might just do it anyone but the problem is that I want making love with someone not just sex. I'm guessing people on here would probably think that was outrageous but what do people do in the real world where all is not marital bliss?

It sounds ridiculous but this is just consuming me, it hurts so much.

Sorry for the long reply!

When was the last time you were single?

I haven't been single for 11 years! Or, most of my adult life.

Even then, I was only briefly single so let's call it 13 years.

How old are you now, if you don't mind me asking?

You probably need time on your own. 11 years is an AWFULLY long time in relationships that were unfulfilling. Waiting for one man to be available before you leave your partner is not, as I'm sure you know, the way to go.

Elephants, you are so right. I knew that but it is good to see it written down. I am 34 now.

I was 20 when I started with the 3 long-term relationships. If this was the olden days I guess I would have been 3 times married by now. First one was two years, then four years, now seven years.

Pseudo I really feel for you. Many of the issues you mention strike a chord with me. Particularly the part about old long term relationships and why they ended.

I think you were very brave to tell him how you felt. I have not done that, in part because I don't want to lose the friendship that we have. I'd rather just have that than nothing at all, even if I reduce the amount of contact overall.

I wonder what models of adult relationship you had growing up? I think I can blame some of my problem with developing such overwhelming feelings with the poor example my parents gave me. My mother is a bit of a narc and my father had numerous affairs.

I agree with Elephants too about spending some time on your own. Maybe do some counselling when you're single to allow yourself to focus solely on what you need, rather than involving anyone else.

Cupcake - after thinking about this thread I have already promised that I will go into my next session and be brave and unburden myself with some of this!

Thanks Ceilidh, a lot of what you said really resonates for me too.

Thanks for saying I was brave. I have had crushes on people in the past and never revealed it. I must admit that I've wondered whether I should have done but I guess each situation has been slightly different. In this current situation I felt certain that he felt the same way, the way he used to look at me was so intense. I'm still reeling from finding out that, in essence, I got this wrong. Though he finds me attractive, he hasn't been obsessing over me in private as I have him. I wish I could have been more straightforward about things, I have really battled with myself about this and it has, to a certain extent, impacted upon my relationship. I feel trapped by a situation that I have myself created.

I think that leaving my current relationship will be very difficult and all too real compared to the complete fantasy that I have been wound up in. I definitely can't leave to be with someone else, I realise that now. He will not want to lose me and we have a very comfortable life together. Part of me thinks I need to address my problems and see if the relationship survives before I make any rash decisions. The pure lust is not going to go away though. These questions from Cupcake are particularly difficult to address:

"Work out what thinking about him gives you. It fills a gap? It's escapism? It's pure fantasy? Security? Who knows but until you do this it's difficult to manage it."

My models of adult relationships when I was growing up were ridiculous. My father abandoned us and my mother had a series of awful relationships that we were forced to endure but that is a long story.

Bear in mind that a couple-relationship is not compulsory and plenty of people are longterm single and perfectly happy that way. It's certainly better to be single than to be in a crap relationship.

Can empathise with you hard to be in love with someone when they are so long distance, sorry dont have much advice , guess there are some people in life that get under our skin and dont go away ever, but you can move on from this , and be happy , everything is for a reason we meet people they come into our lifes for however short or long a period , because WE have a need for that person and they us, try and remember the good and not dwell on the if whats in this situation , you sound a lovley woman take care.