This is the reaction from my mum whenever Dsis and I mention anything from our childhood that is negative about her.
I am not sure she realises just how hard she was to live with, she was abusive tbh. She had major hormonal problems (her menopause was wonderful for the rest of us!) and when we were about 6ish and 8ish, or maybe a bit older, my dad had an "almost" affair. He said to me that he nearly had an affair which says to me that it was emotional but mum found out before it got sexual, so imo it was an affair. They stayed together but the next few years were even worse (we didnt know at the time why, I found out many years into adulthood).
She used to have major screaming fits and was physically abusive mainly to me and my dad, although Dsis did cop it occasionally too. She was also (and still is) a major control freak and would go off on one about the tiniest things. We ended up with our dinners thrown at us sometimes, or she would totally trash my bedroom and then batter me for the state it was in :(
The thing is, I think that she genuinely doesnt remember half the things we remember, or atleast, not in the same way. There are times when you can see that she remembers things and tries to justify them (by saying the Dsis and I were difficult or whatever) or says that it didnt happen the way we said it did, but other things you can see that she really doesnt remember.
I have had many years to accept that we were abused, I dont contribute to the Stately Homes thread as I feel I have moved on, but my sister has only in the last few years come to realise that our childhood wasnt normal. She has some quite major issues that come directly from mum, such as her absolute phobia of pregnancy and birth because of the way mum went on at her to not get into the "same state as Bogeyface" when I had my DS at 17. Dsis was only 15 at the time and got the full force of mums anger about me, and will never have children because of this :(
But how do you deal with someone who truly thinks that it wasnt that bad? Or that half of the things that happened are either exagerrated or plain just made up? I dont see the point in discussing it but Dsis seems to need to push, as I did years ago. I see that it is harming her relationship with mum, which was always very close because mum and I were at logger heads. I got through the bad times by not buckling under, by holding my own and refusing to kow tow. Dsis did it by being as good as possible so as not to incur her wrath, and I think that now the tables have turned because mum sees me as the good one and her as a PITA. But mum does love us both, and is a totally different person now to the one she was twenty years ago.
Any advice on how I can help Dsis with this? I am hurting for her because I know how she feels but as I say, I have had years to deal with it (including some counselling), whereas she is at the start of her journey. She wont do counselling and genuinely doesnt have time, so I dont know what to do.
I should say that cutting mum out is not an option because, as I say, I have come to terms with it and Dsis does love her even though she is hurting. Also we love our dad and he is becoming more reliant on care which I help with, so I really dont want to rock the boat for him.
Thanks.