Ending dysfunctional relationship with father of my child..please help

[mookau]

I've got a 9 month old baby with my partner of 10 years, we have been separated for 3 months now.

Briefly, we have had a dysfunctional relationship for many years. My partner has verbally abused me, withheld affection, criticised me etc etc. BUT obviously I got something from the relationship. I think I enjoy the 'passion' maybe and the feeling that we have a special relationship no one else can understand.

Having a baby was a massive shock to me, the reality of being totally responsible has been hard for me to come to terms with despite how much I love my baby. Even though I know it is crazy, I miss my old life.

I know I have to end the relationship but can't seem to let it go.

I think I have massively low self esteem and somehow my relationship has given me something, although it has made me feel worse about myself.

I know we must stay apart as the baby can't see our relationship and grow up seeing it as normal but I can't see how I can spend years staying strong while still having to see my ex while he has contact with our baby.

Has anyone got any experience of anything like this or advice on what to do?
I just feel in such a mess

I think two things have to happen. First, which is quite difficult when you have a child, is to put some distance between you. Second, you have to understand how emotional abuse operates.

There's a psychological condition called 'Stockholm Syndrome'. It's a phenomenon that affects how prisoners feel towards their long-term captors. It goes beyond self-preservation and the victims can end up having strong feelings for their captors that are totally at odds with the bad treatment being dished out. They misinterpret cessation of abuse for kindness

In a similar way, women like you who are in emotionally abusive relationships misinterpret the periods in between the bad episodes for affection. Or 'passion', in your case. They believe that they have been chosen because they are special when, in reality, they are chosen because they can be manipulated. They believe (because the abuser tells them) that if they change their personality, this will 'cure' their abuser and things will be wonderful. That false hope is why you have stuck it out for 10 years, it's what's making it so hard to leave him behind and it's why staying away from him is so vital. All the time you are in striking distance, he can continue to influence you negatively. FWIW he does not 'have to' have contact with your child.

How to get past it.... make a new life and consider counselling. It takes an enormous effort when someone has made you entirely emotionally dependent and smashed your confidence, but it is worth striving for. Deliberately develop your social life. Difficult with a small baby but not impossible. Meeting other people and making new friends will help you reset the bar for what constitutes a normal relationship. Good luck

Your post shows that you are incredibly self-aware, and that is going to be your best asset in getting out of this and overcoming the after-effects.

What you can do now is call upon all the help you can to help you get out and keep strong:

• call Women's Aid for practical advice, and/or a listening ear

• start opening up to your most solid, good friends about the reality of your relationship and how it makes you feel. By talking about it, you will often find the solutions you need coming out of your own mouth, which is far more valuable than having someone else tell you what to do.

• Go see your GP and get referred to counseling so that you can get some help with your long-term feelings of low self-esteem, and any short-term depression or anxiety you may be experiencing. You will definitely want to have a counsellor once you have left to help you deal with the emotional aftermath -- all the "how the hell did I get into this mess?" questions.

• Speak to a solicitor or CAB to find out your rights and get your legal/financial ducks in a row for when you do split.

• DO NOT tell your partner your plans or call him out on his abusiveness: that will only increase the risk of him escalating the abuse.

• Keep posting on MN for moral support. We're rooting for you, and there's always someone here to listen or offer advice when that's what you need.

Thank you so much for your replies, they are so helpful-I have had a bit of a stressful day today so having an early night but just wanted to reply quickly, I will come back tomorrow and add more x

How are things today, mookau?