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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive controlling jealous partner is 'being so kind'

31 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 07/06/2012 21:17

just after she told him she wanted to leave. What a fucking surprise!

Friend of ours - works with DH. Was told by her partner she couldn't come to DH's 50th because he didn't want to come so she shouldn't go on her own. She managed to negotiate permission to come Hmm and decided whilst here that she's had enough. Went home to her parents. Now back home to talk and he is being so nice, they are having the sort of weekend she always wanted with him.

It isn't going to last is it? How do we help? What can we do, if anything?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/06/2012 22:05

You can't do alot really. Just be there for her when it hopefully breaks up and she comes to her senses.

motherinferior · 07/06/2012 22:07

Take the risk and point out just how appalling he is? The realistic 'look, sweetie, see sense' chat? Yes, she may decide that you not he are the Bad Person here but in all honesty, when kindly friends have pointed out that some twit I've been seeing is a very bad thing (and they have, more than once) I was kind of sort of ahem grateful, what with them being right and all...

RedBushedT · 07/06/2012 22:39

I found this article www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
extremely useful when leaving my EA ex. In fact I made sure I re-read it every single day as I was extricating myself from my marriage to remind myself that his ultra-nice moments were actually just a control tactic.
Maybe send her the link if you think it's relevant to her situation?

foolonthehill · 07/06/2012 22:42

also maybe show her the "cycle of abuse": she'll recognise it and just maybe it will help her see through him now. And if not she'll be wiser the next time Sad

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 08/06/2012 07:49

Thanks for the advice. She's not answering her phone or responding to texts now. So I'm guessing she knows what we'll say and doesn't want to hear it.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 08/06/2012 07:58

Yep its only going to end in tears, and yep you're going to have to bite your lip from saying "told you so" and just be there with a big box of tissues & a drink.

She will only leave when she is ready, which sadly will probably only be when it escalates. Sad

Good link redbush here's another hopefully she will read these when she's ready

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 13:57

LOL! Just found this old thread. Funny to think I was so worried about her and desperate to encourage her to leave her H.... just a few weeks before I discovered she'd been having an affair with my husband. Oh the irony....

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 13:59

Its what they do to draw their victim back in.

LemonBreeland · 21/08/2012 14:03

Oh OP what a shame. Can't believe you were looking out for this woman and she was doing that to you.

tzella · 21/08/2012 14:10

Shock Golly!

Some people... Hmm

ErikNorseman · 21/08/2012 14:59
Shock what a cunt.
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 15:12

Can't even indulge myself with the satisfaction of telling her husband - in case he hurts her.

OP posts:
ScooseLooseAbootThisHoose · 21/08/2012 15:14

What a bitch! Angry

Lueji · 21/08/2012 15:18

They are still together? Confused

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 15:22

Yes.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 21/08/2012 15:24

Oh bugger, that's unfortunate for you. Walk away from the lot with your dignity intact and best wishes.

Lueji · 21/08/2012 15:26

And she's still having an affair with your ex?

Funnily, I think I can see the why on her side (having an affair, but not with a married man and a friend's husband), but get the feeling that your ex is somewhat predatory, as she is likely to be vulnerable due to the abuse.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 15:28

No, affair is done and dusted.

H is not my ex. Hoping he won't be - working on it.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 15:31

Ohhhhhhhhhh. This is the one he's in love with right?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 15:38

Yep

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 15:39

Ouch. What a pair of utter * * * * s

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 15:41

It serves me right for looking at my old posts. I can still remember all the indignation I felt on her behalf at the time. All that righteous anger. Yuck! Nasty taste in my mouth now.

OP posts:
Lueji · 21/08/2012 15:44

Why such anger regarding this woman and not your H?

Actually, I do feel a bit sorry for her, but definitely not your H. Surely he knew well what he was doing.
She might have been looking for some affection.

Are you sure the affair is over?

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 15:51

This has been done to death Lueji. He is still with op. Although he loves the ow, he said so. He felt sorry for her and cares for her.

Many saw him as the older guy, in a position of authority taking advantage. But op can't hear that. It's the Scarlet woman approach.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 16:04

Excuse me! I never called her the scarlet woman! Not once. Please don't belittle my feelings or actions. I have been as measured as I can be in the face of this.

I feel sorry for her too. Hence not informing her husband. I know precisely where the blame lies but that doesn't stop me thinking she behaved poorly.

OP posts:
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