Ex Husband Bullying our Daughter

[GrownUp]

Brief background - in process of divorce due to ex use of sex websites (for marrieds). Going through mediation, 2nd session next week. Daughter is 13.

Got home from work today to find DD in tears. Her dad had shouted at her today, telling her she HAS to see him 50% of her time, whether she likes it or not. Told her it's not her choice as she is only 13, and she cannot decide who she wants to spend time with.

DD actually answered back (first time) and told him that he was pushing her away by insisting on having it all his way. He told her she was upset by the situation (ie divorce) and not by the fact that he wants to see her more. DD replied that it was him upsetting her as he doesn't let her have a choice or opinion, or speak her mind (according to DD he 'butts in' everytime she tries to speak which leads to tears of frustration).

Having been with him for 20+ years I recognise the behaviour that DD described (this is a v v v short version!) - but reassured her that he is just upset because he loves her and feels left out of her life. DD said he was pushing her away by his behaviour/scares her by shouting at her/also fed up that he is splashing cash on his new partner (whilst saying he can't afford to buy DD 'expensive clothes') and she doesn't want to see him anymore.

Ex is insisting DD spends the weekend with him.

My solicitor (who has instructed him not to contact me due to his agressive and menacing calls and emails) advises me that as DD is 13, the court considers her of an age to know what she wants, and to have those wishes respected or at least taken into consideration. My ex refuses to accept this and says as she is a child, he can decide when to see her and that is has to be equal at all times.

I am stuck in between wanting to do the right thing for my daughter, and being terrified of doing the right thing for her - as it will lead to ex shouting at and upsetting DD and starting up contact with me again, more intimidation etc.

I can't afford to go back to my solicitor for help. Mediation next week will be the same as last time, everyone having to listen to how hurt he is and how he should decide what happens, not DD.

Tried to keep it brief-ish -anyone been through similar or can offer advice?

Oh and the 'private financial arrangement' that we had is held back by a day/two/three each month, depending on how angry he is about not having equal access to his daughter (punishing me financially, for DD's decision).

Thanks for reading.

My DD is 15 and wants nothing to do with her father. Initially I tried to help them both but it has become clear that she has chosen to cut him out of her life. Now he is becoming a little aggressive - but I am keeping control.

I would gently ask him to give your poor DD some space - but the bullying with money is totally unacceptable. Time to put it on a more formal footing, if you can - so that it is not used to threaten.

I feel for you - I have seen the pain and confusion in my DD and been horrified that my ex OH is only thinking of himself and his own ego.

Give your DD lots of love, special times and let her talk if she wants to, even if it comes out as very negative.

Why are you going through mediation if he is abusive?

I think I'd stand up and walk out if he wasted time telling how hurt he is.

Personally, I'd let him fight in court for access to DD.

And record his abusive behaviour or even call the police if he harrasses you.

NatashaBee - thanks, and yes - good for her. He clearly cannot cope with being disagreed with, especially by people that should 'respect' him. DD has til now not answered back, not only because he would shout at her, but also because she has heard him shouting at me about contact (according to him that was my 'agenda' and my fault that DD was upset that he shouted at me??).

I have very much been showing willing, for the past year we have shared DD's time, but as she gets older, she is choosing to spend less time with her Dad. She's 13, a girl, and generally embarrassed by him. Even if we were still together she wouldn't want to be hanging around with her Dad! He doesn't get it. Honestly I am supportive of them being in each others lives, but am not happy that he is bullying her into spending time with him.

Punkatheart - thanks for your reply too. I will ask in mediation (if I get a word in edgeways) that he gives her space - and that he will more likely gain by doing so.

But he has an ego the size of a small republic, so not hopeful.

DD has had LOADS of extra love and cuddles this evening. Poor thing.

First OP, I am so sorry for your situation and you poor DD. I totally understand how it feels.

My youngest DS was 15 when my stbx left last year and I like you started off trying to be helpful and try and facilitate their relationship. Without going into it all this didnt work and was plainly wrong. Stbx had to accept that DS did not want to see him and that is still the case at the moment. DS was very upset at pressure to see his father and I am glad I let him make his own mind up early on. He would have seen him "if it makes life easier for you Mum". Well, no what makes my life easier is to be a good Mum and have my DC as happy with life as possible. When these men leave they act as if they are entitled to love and respect when in fact they have often damaged it beyond repair by their actions.

I've been lucky enough to have had a lot of counselling and I used to talk all the time at the beginning about how to keep the DC's in a relationship with their father. I have had to learn that I have to let this go. Its part of letting your old life go.

I dont think for a second your Ex could make a 13 y o see him and I understood from my solicitor that the Courts really take the childs wishes into consideration as teenagers.

You will manage financially somehow even if you think at the moment you wont. You WILL get through it and the most important thing is that you dont let you Ex use your daughter to manipulate the situation.