Please help me sort out my marriage :-(

[confusedclara]

Basically I feel like my husband is generally not pulling his weight but I think it's my fault for enabling it :-( Don't know where to start but will try not to drip feed... it's a problem of 15 years making and I really don't know how to unravel it all and sort it out.

DH and I met at university aged 18. We got together immediately and spent loads of time together. He found his techie course incredibly difficult (basically had always been the brightest in his school year and when he got to uni couldn't cope with how hard it was). I did a course with v few contact hours and was pretty bored so helped him out by doing his washing, tidying etc. Aside from this he was an emotional mess because his parents were going through a tough time (dad having an affair and both parents phoning him to moan about each other). He had v little money and I lent him lots. When he nearly failed a course and was going to give up I helped him draft emails to his lecturers asking for support instead. I counselled him on all his problems. He really let himself go- didn't shower much, never bought new clothes (due partly to low self esteem and partly to money) and didn't bother with haircuts etc. I think I fell into doing all this because I was prob quite needy too- my mother died 3 months before I left for uni so I wasn't in a great place emotionally and, looking back, probably quite liked to be 'needed' etc. The problem is that EVERYTHING now falls to me as I allowed this to happen :-(

I distinctly remember wanting to break up with him at one point but seeing him walking to the bus stop hanging his head and looking generally depressed and thinking "I can't dump him- he's so miserable already"! I think I stayed with him out of sympathy- what a stupid thing to do.

We got married immediately after my graduation. He was a student for a further three years as was doing a v long course. I did a postgrad course which attracted a small bursary and then got a job. Obviously money was extremely tight and I had sleepless nights etc. I was always the one to make sure there was enough money in our joint account for bills etc and generally managed money. We had conversations where I'd be annoyed at the fact the it didn't cross his mind to check that the rent wasn't going to bounce etc and he'd just be really upset and say he didn't know how I managed to do so much and that he was so stressed with uni etc. He never got a part time job etc as said he didn't have time.

And basically it's been the same ever since: I am the one who arranges, sorts out and generally manages everything. I have never felt massively happy with this but now it's got so much worse because we have a 2y/o daughter and are renovating a house. I work 3 days per week and I have to do all the calling for quotes and managing of the house renovation while looking after my toddler. If I did not do it it simply would not get done: I cannot live in a house in this condition so I end up sorting it out. I also supervise all the work, sort out the car (ie a problem arose with it over the bank hol, he said he'd call the garage yesterday but then forgot, so I had to call them and take it in today).

A few examples of where apathy means everything falls to me:

Our car insurance renewal recently came: I am the one who goes on confused.com and checks prices etc. He would just do nothing but then moan at the increasing prices.

Our cleaner comes on Thursdays and as DH normally works from home on that day he lets them in. He knew that he was going to be out at the office today but didn't think to let her know until I mentioned last night that I'd got the money out and it dawned on him. So he had to text her and cancel at the last minute. But he only thought to even do that because I mentioned withdrawing the cash!

He has no friends and no hobbies: he socialises with me but life would literally just be work and tv/ computer if I did not organise things. I find it a lot of pressure to be his only social life and, once again, feel like if I left him he'd have nothing.

I organise all money: if our account had no money in it to pay bills he wouldn't have a clue. However he manages the credit card for his work expenses very carefully which makes me feel that he is deliberately taking me for granted on the household finance stuff.

I do laundry, cleaning between cleaner days, purchasing toddler clothes etc: if I ask him to do it he will, but NEVER without asking.

We had a carpet fitted (organised by me) and the balance payment reminder came. I mentioned that I had been in to pay it off and he said "oh thanks- I had totally forgotten about that".

If I don't do ironing he will just wear the same clothes every day (except for non work from home days where he prepares a shirt etc the night before). Therefore I have to do the ironing as a) I need my stuff and b) I am embarrassed to be seen with him in the same shirt every time!

I am finding myself losing my respect for him as I have to look after him/ everything. But it is my fault it's become this way so what can I do to sort it out?

Thank you for reading this essay.
x

My ex was like this and I ended up doing everything and resenting it hugely.

How is the rest of your relationship? Do you enjoy spending time together?

Have you told him how you feel? I think I would have to start by spelling it out to him, as scary as this may be after so long. My ex was an apathetic slob too and it took counselling for it to be 'resolved', as by ourselves we used excuses to avoid confronting the real issues in the relationship ( I spent a lot of time shouting about socks on the floor and he spent a lot of time with his computer trying to ignore me). We are both a lot happier now - albeit apart, which is not where I am suggesting you will end up but I don't think this can be sorted by 'doing' until you have discussed it and told him how you feel and if necessary involved a third party - i.e. a counsellor. Perhaps when you have ironed out any emotional issues and worked through it all, and from your post I think there is quite a lot going on here beneath the surface, you can both agree some kind of plan in terms of the division of labour and responsibility?

This also sounds familiar to me. (Not ex though)

It just drags me down.

I wonder what life would look like if I actually had an equal rather than my very gentle but ultimately spineless DH. I feel completely stuck too.

Will watch with interest.

I think a third party is good advice. A counsellor would provide an outside, objective point of view, that would confirm your feelings of being the 'parent' in this relationship.

Assuming you still feel love / desire for each other?

have you tried giving him specific lists of things to do? Start small maybe and work up?

What would happen if you told him how you feel about having to do all this?

Thank you all for your speedy replies. To answer your questions...

The rest of our relationship is generally fine. I do enjoy spending time with him and my DD. I wouldn't say I found him massively exciting but then after 15 yrs I think this is probably to be expected? He is a lovely person- supportive of my career goals, brilliant with our DD etc. If I go away to a hen do or something he is happy to look after DD.

I have told him how I feel many times- things change for about 2 days then back to normal! For example I said I felt he should have more input into finances, so he checked the joint account for the next two days then forgot about it all again.

I do still feel love for him in the sense that I can see he's a lovely person... I don't know how I 'should' feel after such a long time as surely butterflies etc aren't normal by this stage?

I tried making a list of things for us to do a few years ago. He added 'play/ relax' to the end of it and then initialled that one as if he was pleased to have contributed! I don't think he realises how much it takes to run a house without it descending into chaos (he grew up in a messy dirty chaotic house). We now have a list of jobs to be done daily but he never looks at it- if I mention this he says it's not in his daily routine. I don't think this is malicious as he also forgets to take antihistamines etc for the same reason (even though I have suggested daily phone alarm reminders etc).

I suppose the thing is that he is just quite content to plod along living in a mess and wearing the same clothes day after day and I am not. Maybe we are fundamentally too different? But if we discuss it he says he wants the nice house and life too.

Cross posted with LesserofTwoWeevils...

I have told him in the past and he doesn't understand as he says that he does do things if I ask him. He doesn't comprehend that it is the management/ being the one to remember that things need doing that I need him to share.

I don't care what he does (ie am not bothered about gender specific 'he does the finances, I do the house' type roles) but I do feel that being responsible for house management/ child related stuff/ finances/ car etc is not fair.

If you have told him how you feel and he has done no more than pay lip-service to it then you really need to decide exactly how much you want him to change and for how much longer you want to be part of this relationship as it is. Unless you are prepared to seriously rock the boat I am afraid things will continue as they are forever because HE is quite happy with the status quo!! There are no sanctions, no consequences to his behaviour so i guess he must be thinking that the lists and so on are some sort of 'fad' of yours and it doesn't really matter that much, and if he ignores it, it will go away! He's proven he is capable by holding down a job and looking after his expense account properly. What has he done for you lately? (looking after DD doesn't count as he should be doing that anyway)

It's quite disrespectful of him and it is just irresponsible - perhaps you are right in that perhaps he is just a lazy arse who can't be bothered to make an effort because he knows you will do it all. Are you prepared to put up with this any longer? He is taking the piss quite frankly and I have no idea why you have put up with it for so long. You are not his mother. You are not his 'carer' or his social secretary and what on earth is he bringing to the table here??? Sorry, but your posts have made me feel a bit !!

I also think that being prepared to slob around in dirty clothes shows that he has a lack of self -respect and cannot take any personal responsibility for himself let alone your household. Is he otherwise hygienic? Does he shower etc. regularly? I think you need to a) be a bit more much more forceful with him and stop being so nice and b) get both of your behinds to relate / another form of counselling and once you get there do not hold back for fear of hurting his feelings. He is not respecting himself, you or your home together.

Men who get into long-term relationships as teens are often looking for mother substitutes. What you've got is a highly dependent, irresponsible, immature, big kid with no motivation to change. I would say it is a very difficult, bodering on impossible job to get someone like that to mature enough to take responsibility and also to resist the fall-back 'don't bother I'll do it myself' position. He will resent being asked to do more and will see you as demanding or imposing restrictions. If you think he's worth it give it a try but expect rebellion and resentment rather than miracles.

He wants the nice house and he has married you because he knows you will provide it where he can't. I don't think you can change him. You can only decide whether or not you can live with him. I suspect you are parenting him and this is enabling him to opt out and things may change if you really allow him to be responsible for something instead of flying in and saving him all the time. However it sounds as if there's a lot about it that is just to do with you and him being quite different.

People change when the costs of not changing are greater than the cost of changing.

For you, it seems that your tipping point has been reached, and that the costs of carrying on as you have been are now too great, so you are willing to consider the destabilisation of shaking things up.

Same applies for your husband: so long as you continue to do everything, he has no incentive to change. If the situation becomes untenable for him too, then he will have to choose how he wants to tackle this discomfort.

Talking has not helped, so it is time for action. Choose how you are going to shake things up. Perhaps endure the discomfort of an unrenovated house and unpaid bills for a while and see if that gets the message across. Or move out - an even more direct way of forcing his hand to take responsibility (or not - if he decides to move back to his mother's or live in a sty without you there to skivvy for him, then he will have amply demonstrated that he will not take the responsibility you now require of your partner in life).

Your situation resonates with mine. I understand completely the frustration of having to manage everything yourself and constantly carry a list around in your head. In my case this has badly damaged my respect for my DH. I have over the years tried hard to get him to take responsibility but he does not seem to take me seriously although I am sure that my communication skills leave alot to be desired as I tend to simmer a long time and then explode. I think you need to calmly sit down and talk it through. And make it very clear that things have to change and how. If you have asked for change and he then does nothing you at least know that you have a clear choice. To either put up with it or get out.
Also for yourself you need some perspective as on the face of it being disorganised is not such a crime but it depends how it effects your life. Does it stop you from attaining your dreams and achieving what you want and need? Also is there another way of dealing with the issue if he won't/can't change _ more help in the house perhaps? I sometimes think that if won the lottery so didn't have the stress of being the sole breadwinner and got an army of gardeners, cleaners and nannys in everything would be fine between us

If you have asked for change and he then does nothing you at least know that you have a clear choice. To either put up with it or get out.

This is very true..

The other solutions you mention, shouldI, such as extra home help, strike me as plasters on a gaping wound: if the issue is an adult partner who refuses to take responsibility, how is paying someone else to shoulder his responsibilities for him doing anything to improve the core problem?

You are looking after two children. One is growing up, the other isn't.

I would give him an ultimatum. Give him a list of things that he will take responsibility for in future, and say that you expect him to move out in a month's time unless they are being done. Post that date up in a prominent place.

Yep, OP you have yourself a man-child there, I wouldn't blame myself if I were you as he seems to have ample time to grow up. I also found myself getting quite cross at the situation for you.

I feel it is also a case of giving him a MASSIVE kick up the backside, put up and shut up or get shot.