How do we support him?

[CarpeJugulum]

I've posted before (in various names) about SIL, and my concern for my DBIL in terms of her taking advantage. (DBIL is DH's brother).

But, we found out tonight that she walked out on Tuesday, but DBIL hadn't told anyone and has just been sat at home drinking. And of course this was just before bed/bath routine.

He's going to phone later, we hope (!), and I think we're going to try to get him to get a train up to us (about 400 miles give or take) which we will pay for as he's not exactly loaded.

But what else can we do? While SIL is not my favourite person, she was DBIL's choice and made him happy and so we supported them (not financially, just by meeting, chatting etc) even though we may have raised our eyebrows in private.

From the brief conversation, it seems that he has tried to contact her once since this happened - and they've been fighting since Christmas and we didn't know.

Argh! What do we do/say to make this better?

Do you think you CAN make it better? You cannot. All you do is listen. It is hard to be helpless. But being a witness to him in his hour of need is a good thing to do and hopefully someday someone will be your witness. He will not be alone if you are there with him. Don't say stupid shit that will make him shut up and don't try to make wrong right. Let wrong take its place at the table, if it is there. Don't deny him.

Don't judge or question him. Just be there to listen and provide practical support - if he wants it.

Oh dear, whose bed/bath routine? Are you meaning he is alone with a child/children?
For the marital issues, I think he should try to get in contact with her, presumably she is staying with someone he knows (mother, brother, close friends?). And she has to come back home at some point, if she did not take all her stuff already. So I would say leave a sweet message on voicemail asking forgiveness, and remembering something cute from first dates or wedding (that usually softens all hearts). If he has done something really serious like being alcoholic, violent, a cheater, money waster........ he first has to fix himself for good, and then go back to her and show that the problem is gone (but he has to do it for real, with counselling.......). And if she is the one with the serious behavior problem, well, it is just up to her, so he has to get used to the idea of getting on by himself

But to get some real advice, you need to be more especific about which are their issues.
And whatever he tells you, do not talk badly about her in front of him, because if he loves her, he may be upset now, but later he will hate you for that talk, iykwim

"what do we do/say to make this better?"

Agree with the above. You can't say or do anything to fix this. All you can do is be a companion and a listener in the wound-licking stage. Keep up the practical things to get him through the day... food, washing, etc. If you think she's been taking advantage of him, unless he's completely delusional, he will know he's been taken for a fool. No need to tell him therefore.

The bedtime routine was for our DS. They don't have kids.

He has basically supported her through university. She got a full time job - and they are now where they are; which is something we don't know too much about.

I guess I know I can't "make it better", but while he isn't my DB by blood, he is my DB IYSWIM and I'm very defensive of him and I would like to stop him hurting - coz I know he is.

I don't know whose fault it is - I have my suspicions, but equally I am well aware that you can never know what happens in a marriage.

I guess I just have to wait and see. He's late phoning and I'm starting to worry now.

If he's been necking the on a daily/nightly basis, he may not pay too much attention to the clock.

Give it another hour or so and ring him.

I don't know if he's "necking it", but certainly he's having a few whiskies.

Anyway, we've spoken to him and he's now told PIL, and he and SIL are having a meeting soon to discuss things; hopefully without shouting.

I know you are all right, and there is nothing I can really do to help; still doesn't stop me wishing I had a magic wand and could give him what he wants.