men and anger

[Iforgotmyusername]

My oh has definite anger problems - he hasn't hit me but has come close. Lots of losing of temper and verbal abuse though. It just strikes me how many other threads contain the same - ie talk about men who have anger problems. I wondered if I was imagining it or if other women also find that many men appear to find it very hard to control rage.

izzyizin, I didn't say the OP was directing her last comments at AF.

Yes, thanks for the link but I've already read her other thread. She sounds pretty sad, like she can't see the woods through the trees! I'm not sure that AF's threatening posts, 'this may not be your best move' bollocks are the 'help' she needs at the moment and I'm unsure why you'd even bother to post like that on such a thread. No one's forcing you to be, frankly, unhelpful and I'd think it's the last boot (in the side) that she needs so if you can't show compassion, just frustration about someone's real life trauma then surely you just leave it be??

Iforgot, it's nothing to do with posters thinking they are psychic about others' relationships and everything to do with recognising well-tried patterns of abuse.

If you follow any of the relevant links posted for the benefit of other OPs with "angry" partners, you should be able to see clearly that abuse does follow patterns. You're being abused and your H is following a pattern. I'm sorry and I DO know how unappealing this insight is. I reply to threads like yours because I hope to save another woman going through the self-murdering mental & emotional contortions I did, convincing myself I was in a fundamentally good relationship against all the facts.

Sometimes I help; that makes me happy.

I'd like to think you could be one of the 'helped' and maybe you need to do some reading first. Good luck ;)

In this situation I don't see how the didactic posts are of any help. The OP has already said she feels got at, so why get at her more. Threats and ultimatums asserting help is conditional, is not help, it is akin to the kind of treatment she is questioning from her DH!

Op, I think as someone else has pointed out that if the anger is far reaching and your DP seems all consumed by it to the point of using it indiscriminately, then it is a better thing but not something a human should have to tolerate in a civilised society. What was he like when you meet him? My DP is highly strung, irritated by things but he was like this when I met him and he behaves like this towards everybody and I mean everybody- work colleagues, boss over feeling undervalued compared to another colleague, his mum who is exactly the same, his brother. In fact I was pretty shocked when I first had a family meal with them. It can be quite an experience with all the outspoken honesty! However, I think what I describe is more a stressed 'basil Fawlty' character that is annoying but I pull him up on it all the time. I have similar personality traits so it's pretty balanced, I'm not isolated by it, if that makes any sense.

" I wondered if I was imagining it or if other women also find that many men appear to find it very hard to control rage."

All kinds of people are aggressive, quick-tempered or easily angered. Just because it's a reasonably common personality trait doesn't mean you have to tolerate it

I have posted on your other threads as well OP. In one way your situation is a men/women problem, in that your H is behaving in this way because he considers you his inferior, his property and his servant, purely because he has a penis and you do not.

I'm sorry he's even more aggressive than your other threads mentioned. He really isn't going to get any better, and you really are going to get (and need) the same advice ie get rid of this man on any thread you start.

Regarding my other post on this thread, I hadn't picked up on your user name. This man is NOT fixable by anger management. This man, with his high-status job and his 'pillar of the community' shit, he knows perfectly well how to manage his anger, he is in control of his anger. He feels that aggression to you is justified, because you are not accepting of your subhuman, servant status so you need to be punished and beaten until you obey unquestioningly and with a smile on your face.

sgb advises well OP. I also hadn't realised I posted on two of your threads. And with the extra information, its sounds terribly familiar to my own situation- pillar of community, high status job, angry at home- but so charming to others, devaluing you so that you 'deserve' his anger/contempt.

He's not going to change cos he's getting everything he needs at the moment as things are- but at your expense.

You seem very unhappy so what can you do to change things for you......
Its a terrifying prospect- I do understand that. But I think many others would concur that it's like being on the Titanic as it's going down. You can stay where you are which is safe-ish and very familiar and trust that everything will be OK. OR you can jump into the water into the dark and swim to the lifeboats with the cheers and encouragement of everyone else who has jumped and made it before you.