I don't know how to get out of this :(

[Fiddlestix]

There's so much background here but I am going to try and keep this as short as I can.

I am in my 30's. I have a dd aged 9 from a previous relationship with an utter prick of a man who was controlling and emotionally abusive- dd still sees her real dad every other weekend and holidays. He is good with her, just a useless partner. I then went on to marry someone else. 3 years into that marriage my now ex h walked out and went back to his ex with no real explanation or contact with dd who had come to view him as her step dad. I then spent a few years on my own, brought a house with my mother who then looked after dd for me while I went to work full time. I then met my now dh, he was perfect to me, and was / is wonderful with dd. I wasn't happy working full time so I reduced my hours and mum and I started arguing - she has always been controlling and wanted to be the matriarch for want of a better word.

I married my now dh and we brought my mum out of her share of the house, meaning that dh and I own the house together, the mortgage is in both our names - however the mortgage is only for half the equity of the house as I owned the other half outright. However for all extents and purposes we are both on the deeds.

Dh and I had been arguing more and more lately. We are expecting our first baby together (his first) in less than a weeks time. Dh has developed a terrible temper and although he is never and has never been violent he just doesn't know when to stop and walk away from an arguement. I, on the other hand, am very laid back and placid. I had assumed (how stupid was I) that the security of us having a house together and being married would make him feel less insecure - as a lot of what happens comes from insecurity. We are arguing about everything from his family to my mum, to trivial things like cleaning a hob ffs.

Recently these arguements have been getting worse and worse and this weekend he lost it in front of dd. He was going on about leaving and packing his bags and generally shouting at me. I took dd out to the car to go out for a bit and we got in the car and he stood holding the car door and shouting at me, in front of dd. This is the second time he has done this and it is absolutely not acceptable. I have said this to him and he agrees and says sorry and then does it again. He has no control over his anger.

I am now at a point where I don't know whether I should or if I can forgive him. Once he had calmed down he was blubbering away to me saying how sorry he was, and begging me not to leave him and he's scared he won't be a good dad (he doesn't have a good relationship with his own family) and he says a lot of it is anxiety. He will not see anyone about his anxiety or anger problems. He will point blank not take anti depressants (been down this road several times).

The trouble is he says sorry and then he will do it again. So I have no trust in him saying sorry whatsoever. I am now at the point where I feel I am treading on eggshells and I remember things were so much happier when I was on my own with dd. She seems to adore my dh and he did spend the rest of the day the other day playing games with her all afternoon and she was giggling her head off but he's a bit like a timebomb waiting to explode. Surely she must feel that too?

I am seriously considering what to do now. I feel like I need to forgive him in some ways because our baby is due by c section next week and I will need him to look after dd and us and he has booked time off to do this. But at the same time I literally do not want to be around him at all. It's like a switch has gone off and I am sitting here seriously feeling like I want him to leave.

I don't know where I would stand with the house now either, as I have been stupid enough to get a mortgage with him - which we have only had now for 4 months.

I don't think I can be happy with someone who flies off the handle in the way that he does. It seems to be a trait of his family - they are always arguing whereas mine do not. It makes me feel very unhappy and anxious.

I am also wondering what to do about the baby. It's got to the point now where I feel like I am never going to be rid of all this trauma unless I literally hand him the baby and say goodbye to both of them, but then I couldn't do that to dd. But at the same time I can't go through all the crap that I've been through with dd and her dad again. Whilst I have the baby I will always be linked to him and he will make my life hell.

I'm completely fucked aren't I. I just need to suck it up and get on with it.

I'll tell you something a child psychologist friend of mine told me: often, chuldren appear to adore and have an excellent bond with a parent or step-parent who is abusive to the other parent/SP. BUT not because they actually do have this wonderful connection and relationship, but because they pick up on the tension, the nastiness, the fear, the anger, the sadness,even if they don't actually witness any abuse (although she also told me that kids see and understand much more than anyone realises) and they go into self-preservation mode. If they make themselves adorable, fun, easy, well-behaved, sunny, etc., the abuser is less likely to turn their negative attentions on them.

He is emotionally abusive and volatile. If he really wanted to change, he would get ADs, counselling, the works. But he doesn't want to. He knows he can get away with this shit time and time again and he's getting a kick from the highs and lows of this drama he's creating; the release of fury, the begging and then the victory of you taking him back.

Don't let money hold you back from making a break. And, frankly, raising your Dd and newborn will be easier without his abuse and drama.

Bumping for you as no real advice but I think it's clear that you can't carry on with the way things are.

HI Hun

You dont have to do anything, but what you need to do is concentrate on the babys impending birth, thats your only priority. If DD is ok in his company than I would leave her with him while you do the hard stuff with the birth etc.

This is not the time to make huge changes, but use the time when you can to quietly mull over what you want to do next. Could it be he is genuinly nervous because of impending father hood etc? take care of business for now, and once bubs is here he might settle down, if not then start thinking about what you want in the future.

good luck xx

Thank you. That is what worries me about dd. I don't want her to grow up hating me for her growing up in this environment. It's very difficult to know what damage is going on underneath the surface. She does seem genuinely happy etc but often he will have little snipes and gripes about things and she turns to me and shrugs as if to say "he's at it again"... But I don't know why either of us should have to put up with his moodiness. He is generally just a really angry grumpy person, about everything... even things on tv, people we meet, the world in general. He just doesn't know when to stop about anything.

So what would I do about the money and the house? If I walked out what would happen then? I really don't know what to do and I am so reluctant to give up on what is effectively my whole life's savings in equity because he's paid half of a small mortgage for 4 months. When we rowed the other day apparently he'd rang his mother who'd told him to "stay put" as half the house was his!! I'm so angry with myself for putting my own financial security out there like this.

I know he is nervous about the baby in the sense that he's worried (for some reason) that the baby will bond with everyone but him. He has a real self loathing side where he thinks he's no good and worthless etc. And then he goes into self pitying mode where he says he doesn't blame me for wanting to leave him etc etc. (He doesn't know I'm even considering it).

If I turned around and said to him I thought it was best if he moved back to his mums or out somewhere else all hell would literally break loose - dd and I would be caught in an utter whirlwind. Which makes me think I can't do anything right now being as pregnant as I am and everything else.

So in some ways I feel like I have to fake it and just get through the next few weeks and then decide what to do. But I'm so hurt and utterly fucked off with him that I can't even stand sleeping next to him at the moment, yet alone having any sort of relationship with him physical or otherwise. He is picking up on this and has been in tears this morning and texting me all day trying to be nice but I don't think I can get it back. I feel like me and dd are a completely separately family and that I'm some sort of surrogate for another arsehole I've met.

(By the way he is at work at the moment so I'm posting but I won't be able to come back to this for a while... Any replies will be appreciated and responded to when I can, thank you).

first off huge hugs

secondly only deal with the things you know about, dont worry about variables that havent happened. Dont believe in whirlwinds till they hit, then deal with them. I know ive said it before, but you have bigger fish to fry right now, and after a section you wont be able to do much but sit tight. If he is out phone round any legals the CAB etc, and get advise re the house etc, i dont see him getting half of it to be honest, as half is yours and then theirs the babys share now. Dont engage with his mother in any way if possible, and stay as calm as you can for you at that baby.

Accept you want out and its a plan for the future, but right now it has to be on hold is possible. DONT PANIC

xx

PLEASE, go and talk to the CAB, they will advise you. Seeing as this is such a recent thing WRT the mortgage, there has to be some mileage in saying that since signing he has become abusive and you fear that he has gone into this for a reason? i.e to get money/property out of you.

Long story short, you ARE married so he will be entitled to something, but you need to get legal advice and see where you stand. It may not be as dismal as you think. Either way, you need to know.

just sending you hugs and your instincts are telling you something, dont ignore them

i grew up with not one, but two unpredictable violent moody parents, never got away from them, and I withdrew for 25 yrs, as I learned to adapt my behaviour not just in my home environment but in life generally as I saw their nasty behaviour at home towards my elder sister

am going through therapy now at 33 to get it sorted

sorry rambling,

but you can get out of this - be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for standing up for yourself and your DD

it doesnt sound like he will ever change, so once your newborn is around, and you are feeling up to it, make your plans and dont look back

thinking of you

Thank you. I fully expected people to say I was an awful parent for putting dd through yet another difficult relationship... I feel like an awful parent. But then when I was first with dh he wasn't like this at all, or at least there was no indication of his tempers.

I will go and speak with CAB when I can. I don't know when that might be as I live rurally and basically I am obviously unable to go far being so heavily pregnant at the moment, and then I have all the recovery of the c section to deal with.

I really don't want to end up being in a position where I have to give him half the house as I feel 3/4 at least should be mine - I owned half outright and I am contributing to half the mortgage for the other half that we took out together. It's like he would be given a free half a house otherwise!

I talked to him last night and said I was still feeling really angry with him and I was scared to say that to him because I don't want yet another arguement. He said he wasn't going to argue anymore and he was sorry. He started explaining why he got angry again and I said to be honest I don't care about WHY we had the arguement, just the WAY in which he argues - ie, all the slamming doors to the point of wrecking the house, packing bags and shouting in my face etc.

He swears he will never do it again but I just don't believe him anymore. Is that wrong of me?

Part of me thinks maybe I should be forgiving him and trying to sort this out but then I think about the arguements we've had and I just see his face contorted in rage shouting at me in front of dd and I don't know how to let it go anymore.

I can't bear to be around him at the moment so I went to bed quite early and this morning he got up and left for work whilst I pretended I was still asleep. He is texting me saying he is sorry and doesn't know how to make things better. I said I don't think he can.

To add to things his mum has messaged me on facebook (!!) asking me how I am - obviously he's been talking to her - I've ignored the message, I don't want to talk to her.

My biggest problem at the moment is that I am now absolutely dreading the baby coming. I really don't feel any interest or connection in the baby as it's just something that binds me to him and I feel totally angry that I am basically reliant on him due to the pregnancy and my c section. I am utterly fed up with it all. But the difficulty in all this is that dd is completely oblivious to everything and is absolutely over the moon about the baby and to her it's all magical and she can't wait to bring to the baby home / come and see the baby at the hospital etc. I actually feel like handing the baby over to dh at the hospital and just walking out and not having to see either of them ever again, but I am trapped because of dd and my loyalties to her and giving her a much longed for sibling.

I really am at the end of my tether with everything at the moment. The only thing that is keeping me sane is that he is out of the house 12 hours a day at work but next week he is at home with me all day everyday and I am absolutely dreading it but at the same time I will need him because of the c section.

i can totally see how quite rightly you dont want any further 'violence' from him in your home, if we can call it violence, as it is noisy, unpredictable hurtful behaviour, amd in front of your DD too - worrying

you are clearly nesting right now, so you need your home to feel safe for the new baby, just like a mother cat would for a kitten for example (sorry silly example but ykwim)

can you consult your rights online with CAB and call someone just to outline what your next steps should be, even though you cant physically get to them?

then at least you will have a bit of a plan after the c section and the birth, so you can just snuggle that baby and be a mum -

even if he is a shit partner, and you clearly know he will never change, at least you will know your rights, and will be a bit clearer on where you stand

and you will probably fall in love with that infant, once it arrives

(gushing sorry - i just love newborns)

i wish you well, you can do this - even if it means raising 2 kids without the aggro in your house, it will be a more peaceful future for all 3 of you

he'll be fine - his mother is clearly very interested in his welfare eugh

Thanks... I suspect his mums interest is more from the point of view that if things don't work out then he will be back living at her house (as he was when I met him, he had split up with another long term partner and was back living with her then) .. So, perhaps maybe unfairly of me, I think she is more intent that we don't split up as she doesn't want him back!

I appreciate your support... I sometimes think back to how things were when I was a single parent with dd and things were so much more peaceful. I didn't have to please anyone else. Or worry that my day would be ruined by someone flying off the handle all the time. It's so annoying that I can plan a day out for us and I never know if it's actually going to be the happy day I'd planned as anything can happen between then and now to make him in a total temper about something... He's so unpredictable.

And we have problems sexually too. He has a very high sex drive. I did when we first met but now (as in my other long term relationships) it's on the wane and I really don't see how I can (or even if I want to) get that back. I have no interest in sex at all.

I really just feel I've made a terrible mess of everything. I should have seen this coming really. He's always been quite moody about things and it's just got worse and worse to get to this.

I suppose I will just have to get through the next few weeks somehow and see what I can do.

Big hugs. You are probably feeling very vulnerable right now, heavily pregnant. You also sound just sad. Pre- natal depression is common and under diagnosed. Do you think this could be what is causing you to see your DH this way? Feeling as if you will not bond with the baby, and having an urge to hand it over on birth, is surely a red flag with depression as it is not at all normal (sorry - not to say you are in any way to blame, just noting it). Try to put your worries aside for now, as you are right it is not a good time to make big changes, and give it a few months after your baby is born to see how things have panned out. You might find your DH returns to being his former relaxed self. I am so glad your DD is excited. And no, you are not a failure as a mum - you sound incredibly caring. Good luck with the birth.

PS As you and DH are married, what he would get on a split is little to do with who has paid what, and more to do with the starting point of providing a home for whoever has the children (you). If DH is still unpredictably irascible then you will be fine on your own, I am sure. You will cope.

Defeatedhouseelf- he sounds mega unpredictable, i dont think OP has prenatal depression, i think she is just aware of an unpredictable presence in her home, causing great upset, nothing to do with HER behaviour!

I know you say she is not to blame, but she is clear enough to think of plans to help herself and DD and the newborn, so she is clear enough to know what her instincts are telling her

it is not surely a good idea for her to stick around for a few mths with an unpredictable, shouty agressive man in the house, just to see if things will change?

She needs to know of a plan, before things get even more crazy...how will he behave with sleepless nights and a newborn?

perhaps OP, suggest to DH mother she should offer him a bed, if he is missing out on sleep once baby arrives...a trial separation in your eyes, but dont tell them that

thinking of you, you sound perfectly clear headed and NON pre natally depressed to me

stay strong

Thanks... I'm prepared to consider that some of my reaction to things have started a clinical depression.. However given the cirumstanes I would feel that is a relatively normal reaction.. I think its more common than people think to feel unable to bond with a baby when they are going throug a life / relationship trauma.

We spent last night not talking very much apart from general - the odd half hearted comment about something on tv etc.

He did say to me I have to "give him a chance" and that it was "just an arguement" - I said that's the thing, to me it isn't just an arguement. Its him shouting in my face and throwing stuff about and ruining our home (since I've been with him he's broken 2 cups, a remote control, torn through several books and wrecked 3 door frames all in anger).

I know he is very upset as I can't even look at him at the moment. He put dd to bed while I had a bath.

When I went to bed I think he self harmed (he has done in the past- uses tweezers or scissors to scratch himself badly). I could hear him fiddling about in the bathroom. Part of me felt I should go to him but I didn't, I just lay in bed thinking fuck you. He came to bed in the very early hours.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being tooo harsh. :( but he doesn't seem to give a fuck about me or dd when he's in one of his rages.

I spent half the night absolutely dreading the c section next week.

I really do not want this baby. I want things to go back to how they were. But I know they can't. I want to go back to when I first met him with a crystal ball and not go on a second date etc.

All of this is like some living nightmare. I even found myself googling adoption yesterday but then I really could not do that to dd as she thinks this baby is the best thing ever to happen. I'm quite rational about how I feel by the way, I'm not sitting here in tears about it. I just do not have any connection emotionally to the baby. I care for it like any decent person would and I would never hurt it but I recognise that it bonds me to this time and situation. As long as the baby is with me I am linked to him. Having gone through this with dd and still suffering with my ex now I do not want that situation again.

The baby was planned by the way. Obviously everything is a disaster.

I have a day with dd on my own today. Dh is at work although I am anxious as he came home early yesterday to "sort things out" . I told him I wish he had stayed at work as I feel he is just bullying me to cheer up etc.

He is trying but I have checked out and I don't think I can or should check back in?

Maybe I'm too independent. I don't need anyone else in the way others seem to. I don't forgive easily.

I think youre making perfect sense, it is a huge deal for you to have to handle his unpredictable angry behaviour on top of everything else

I hope you have anice day somewhere with dd today

Dont worry

One day at a time, look after you and dd

If he has damaged your home like that in his moodswings there is no guarantee that you your dd or thenewborn will be proerly safe around him

Not that he would harm them directly or
Intentionally, but we cant know that though for certain, but what if he throws sthing in a rage and it hits you lot?

Too risky

Why do you need that level of risk in your home raising kids? Not fair to you or them

Sorry but having grown up with unredictable parents prone to outbursts, i can tell you the memories i have are nothing you want your dd or the new baby to have to have in their subconscious, it is so hard for me to get rid of them, but am working on that

Have a nice day to yourself today with dd be kind to yourself too

Xx

Would it be possible for you to talk to your midwife? She might be able to get you some emergency counselling. I think your feelings about your baby are the most worrying part of your post and are obviously causing you great concern. I can understand that at the moment you just want OUT for you and your daughter and it feels as if the baby is an obstacle to this but it doesn't have to be that way and I think you need help to cope with a very complex set of emotions. The most important thing is for you to be in the right frame of mind to welcome him/her into the world, whatever may happen in the future.

Bumping for you

Thanks for the replies.

I am not going to talk to the midwives or anyone else about how I am feeling because I suffered badly with PND after the birth of my dd and I know that once I get on their books basically they will be around me all the time and I don't need that kind of pressure and hassle right now. I am quite rational about things, no amount of counselling from them is going to change the way I feel. At the very worst they could end up giving my ex reason to try and take my dd away from me and that is the very last thing I would want. He would literally have a field day. But I do appreciate you are trying to help. For the time being I just need to be able to talk about how I feel on here, to try and work through things in my mind.

I made the decision to try and get on with dh again. It was getting to the point where he was starting to get really depressed about everything as well and we weren't even talking to each other, and with everything that is going on right now I can't have dd around that kind of stress - and there is literally nothing I can do about anything for the next few weeks so I didn't really have a choice. We "made up" and are - on the surface- back to normal again.

This was also prompted by the fact we had a family dinner to go to last night and I wasn't about to have the whole thing ruined by him and his moodiness and our inability to get on.

He is still very apologetic and keeps saying he knows he behaved in a "disgusting" way towards me and dd and he is really, really sorry. I've lost count of how many times he's said he's sorry. He knows I am still very angry with him. To be honest most of the time I can hardly bear to look at him but I just have to carry on for the time being. Obviously I can't leave when my c section is due in a few days and I will be relying on him to help. And I can't let the atmosphere go on and on for everyone's sake, mostly dd.

I did say to him that I am very depressed about everything and I am not looking forward to having the baby now. He said (very sadly) that he was so sorry he had "ruined my life" and that it was all his fault. The trouble is when he is like this I almost feel sorry for him but then I know within a few weeks we will have another row and he will be throwing things around, shouting, and generally behaving like a total bastard.

this guy has you right where he wants you. He's being nice now, but for how long.

As soon as you are mobile, make plans to get away from him.

He has no ruined your life, unless you decide to stay put and let him. Make plan and stick to it.