working at it!

[vikingmaid]

After a very difficult year. Husband had a breakdown and was drinking and then sectioned under mental health act. He has had support and time off work. he then decided all his problems were due to marriage..even though I have been there through thick and thin and held it together for him and kids. He walked out. That was 4 months ago and after talking he returned and we have been going to counselling. We are both much happier and things look positive. However his family have a family party next week and many coming far and wide. he wants to take kids but not me! He says after making a big thing of leaving me it makes him look weak to go together. i know its a trivial thing but I'm really gutted. Not helped by it being our daughter birthday a few days before so she see's it as a 'birthday' do for her to. Am I being over sensitive? Should I say anything or not? BTW most of his family kept clear while he was going through all this.

It's not on, no. He cares more about what other people might (and that's the key word, might, he doesn't even know that they will) think now that he's got back together with you. I think you need to be firm about this and say that you are going and it's wrong to ask you to stay back because of his embarrassment. It sounds as if he may have said some rather extreme things about your marriage and relationship and that people will be surprised to see you together, but that's too bad. You are not being oversensitive.

Do they know you are back together? Because what he has said makes it sound like they don't, or are unaware of the full story.

"he wants to take kids but not me! He says after making a big thing of leaving me it makes him look weak to go together."

That is not trivial.

The absolute fucker!

Doesn't sound like you are actually 'back together' in his head!

I would be very upset by this. It is making a mockery of everything you have done for him. He sounds very selfish.

One more question: have you ever discussed what he actually said to them about the split? "He says after making a big thing of leaving me..."

I'm wondering just what that big hooha he made of it involved- what was said about you and to who- if he wants to now keep you away.

After everything you've been through, this comes under the category of 'dealbreaker'.

Either you all go to the party as a united family, or no-one goes. If he doesn't understand where you're coming from, show him the door and close it firmly behind him.

Be a true Viking, honey - and don't be afraid to burn a dead boat in the water.

I think he has said some really awful and untrue things. That's why he doesn't want you to go. He is afraid someone will say something and the truth will out. Its a deal breaker for me.
Dh and I split up for 6 months, years ago, if he had done this he would have been back out of the door. He was so happy we were back together (I was too) he didn't care what others thought and said.

Yes, dies sound like he is hiding something

thanks for your views. he says he is surprised I'd want to go. He thinks I would make it uncomfortable for everyone as they have strong feelings (negative) towards me. Just hurt that he doesn't see that this is more than a 'day out'. for me, I suppose that I thought it gave a sign that he wanted to be together but it seems to him we are still on a 'trial'. I'm not sure when this ends if ever, or what I need to do to 'pass'. i just want someone to feel strongly enough about me to stand up and be counted. he says it will give him the opportunity to talk to them all without me there. I wish this could be done before this . So confused, maybe i'm expecting too much. we have been through hell and back and I have had my part to play in it as much. If I'm honest I've never felt he totally wanted me and this has caused a great deakl of anxiety and poor behaviour on my part. Ihoped that a fresh start after he told me he loved me was a new beginning...now he says he may not love me enough, yet? :(

after making a big thing of leaving me it makes him look weak to go together

He's not really committed to working at his relationship, is he? It does sound as if you never really discussed the circumstances of his return, just let him back into the house.

Are you sure he doesn't see this as an opportunity to drink again?

Oh yes and other than if he's been lying, why on earth would anyone in his family have anything other than respect and sympathy for you for all your family has been put through by him in the last year? I take it he's not contrite, either.

As I see it, he's got plenty of time to talk to them before the party.

It may be better if he goes alone but it would be thoroughly reprehensible and disrespectful if he takes the dc to a family party wiithout you.

Spell it out and hold the line, honey: if you don't go, the dc don't go.

i can hear you're fragile so i want to be gentle and just say that you deserve to be loved and cherished. don't be afraid to demand this. i think you should explain quietly and clearly to your dh how this situation makes you feel and if he's not on your side you should really be thinking of a new future without him.
it sounds as though you have gone far beyond and above, carrying and supporting him.
the only thought i have for his side is perhaps he is clumsily trying to protect you. as you mentioned his family stayed away throughout your harrowing year. maybe they're awful and have said some rotten things and your dh wants to keep you away from them for this reason. it isn't nice to imagine but some family are just mean and nasty! IMO!! but it's clear you need a straight talk, good luck..we're here for you