Anyone out there have no relationship with their mother?

[nearlyuptheduff]

My mother recently announced she had had an affair after 30 years of marriage to my father.

She is now living with her new man and has not contacted me or my sister for 7 weeks. Pled with her to meet me 7 weeks ago and she made me promised I'd meet her alone, she then turns with with her boyf..... I was not impressed.

I feeli like she should be desparate to speak to me. Very hurtful and I'm a bit lost to be honest.

Anyone gone through a similar thing?

I don't have a relationship with my mother or my father, this has been the case for three years. Their choice. They don't talk to my sister or her children, either.

It's v hurtful as you think that a mother should go out of their way to want contact with their daughter. Alas this is not the case with either of my parents. I deal with it okay as I've had time to accept it. It's harder for my sister as she feels hurt for her children not having contact with their grandparents.

Their is a long back story as to why they don't talk to us but essentially it involves a fall out with my paternal grandmother and my parents, and my sister and my refusal to take sides and stop contact with our grandmother (she played a huge part in our lives growing up while my mum had depression and wasn't really there for us). Unbelievable.

Good luck.

My parents have retired to Spain but come home regularly to shop. Last year they managed to cross America coast to coast but when they came to the UK they stayed in a hotel 15 miles away and sent a text saying if I wanted to meet them they could see me on a particular day between certain hours - needless to say i didn't bother.

When they got home they phoned to ask why I hadn't contacted them and I asked how would you feel if I went to Malaga and didn't visit you? They couldn't answer.

They stayed with my brother last Christmas, they won't stay here as mum's allergic to my cats but brother's got 3 and a retriever (London hotels are expensive so I suppose she remembers to take an antihistamine). Their plan was to travel north for my birthday and new year but got a better offer for NYE, after we'd changed our plans to spend it with them. They didn't come on my birthday as they were too tired after hitting the sales and went back to Spain without seeing their grandchildren.

I decided then they weren't going to upset me any more and now have very little contact with them. It saddens me when I see friends who've got a great relationship with their mum and I feel guilty as I've got 2 good friends who lost their mums young but it does get easier.

I haven't had a relationship with my mum for all my adult life and as a child I didn't see her much at all. We talk about 2 times a year but it is just brief and polite like she is a distant relation. I have tried to improve things and get a connection going but it's like there's nothing there. I wonder if she is chronically depressed but she seems to function enough in other ways. I feel sad sometimes but she just isn't ever going to be the mum I dream of.

I feel your pain
My mum doesn't actually like me and tbh I don't like her much either - she's generally a shit mum. Strangely she's mainly a v good grandma. I often wish we weren't in contact tbh as its not great for my self esteem.

I was going to start a thread about something similar. I had my first baby 8 weeks ago & it's really hit me how poor a relationship I have with my mum.

I've watched all my NCT group, friends and well, everyone really, get support & help from their mums. There's been mums flying in from overseas to share the moment. Mums staying with their daughters so they can support & help out. People really enjoying having their mum around as a bonding thing.

I wouldn't want mine there even if she did offer & I feel quite sad about that.

It is sad suckeddry. But you'd be sprised how many relationships look great from the outside but in reality are anything but

That's true. I just feel surrounded by everybody's else's wonderful mum at the mo which makes mine look more in adequate than usual but I guess you never know...

Doesn't bother me usually. Must be the sleep deprivation getting to me.

I don't have a mother and have found it has got much easier over the years. I had to involve the police to keep her away because she is an evil and dangerous mad woman who should be lockedup.
It's hard at christmas, birthdays and with a newborn baby. I struggled when both of mine were born but that got easier too. I think you see people out with their mums more when they have a baby, so it hits you harder when you are alone with yours.
Nearlyuptheduff, hopefully your mum will see what she is doing once the novelty wears off and be a better mum again

I havn't seen mine since October after I 'did the right thing' over my childhood whilst I miss her it's her loss as I did so much for her.

I'm a bit on the fence on this one, having seen both my parents do very silly things when newly in love. It's awful, and you do cringe, but parents are humans too, and they do crazy things like run off with younger people, have affairs, move in with them after two weeks, generally embarass you and make you feel like Saffy in Ab Fab.

My answer is really to think about whether your mum has been a good parent up til now. If she has, and this is very out of character, then allow her her moment of madness and, when she is a bit less besotted (and probably avoiding you as she knows you are going to disapprove and see this for what it is), let her know how upsetting it was to lose contact during that time.

If she is more difficult generally, that's a different question, but I get the impression this is not her usual behaviour and you are pretty hurt by it.

i have no relationship with my mother because she is a controlling narccisist. very different from your situation.

if you're asking how to cut contact - easiest way is to stop making contact, and not to pick up those phone calls or return those texts. they get the hint eventually. either that or have an all out no holds barred 'truth' session, when you tell her exactly what and why you're doing this. your call.

people do stupid things when they're in love (or when they think they're in love) - so maybe you just need to let things settle down a little and cut her some slack?

your call, good luck!

Thanks everyone! Your stories and thoughts have reassured me.

I do feel very lonely as I tought we were close, as soon as we found out about the affair she has changed completely and this new man seems to control who she sees and when she sees them. I cannot be bothered with that to be honest, she is my mother first and foremost and that trumpet can keep his bloody nose out! Problem is, she won't tell him to bugger off and allow us to meet privately or have an conversation on the phone when he is not there in the background.

She needs to change her attitude, if not she is going to miss out on seeing her grand kids, not through me not allowing them to see her but by her not making an effort to contact me.

Very sad situation indeed.