What would you do?

[Vagazzled]

Apologies in advance for the lengthy post!

So, DP (of 6 years) and I are having a rocky time. A combination of petty arguments, money issues etc.
2 years ago, I found out he had a 'secret' credit card which he'd never told me about with £1,000 of debt on it. Apparently, it was something he was sorting and I "didn't need to know".
We've been struggling majorly recently, I've had my hours cut to 22hrs (I work nights so I can be with 3yo dd daytimes), rises in household bills. DP works full time on a fairly decent, national average wage. BUT, he admits he's terrible with money. He lives in his overdraft for things like cigarettes and regularly has £100 of charges per month for an unplanned overdraft.

A few months ago, we had a trial run of me 'looking after' his bank for him. Went great, no charges, £50 a week money to himself (yes, I was jealous!). So, it's purely money management that he struggles with.

Fast forward to this month, I w t to check if his wages were in for him. He's £150 over his overdraft, over £100 of charges AND another 5 days worth of charges to come as stated in the banks letter he showed me.
So, this morning I opened a letter. I KNOW I shouldn't have, I know it's controlling, out of order, illegal but, I just can't do this anymore. And yes, he's taken another £500 out on the credit card. £140 this month alone.
I'm struggling to pay bills, I had to borrow from my friend to get petrol the other day and he can blow £140 on cc alone, as well as the overdraft on...?!? What? Cigarettes? Beer to take to his friends house??
On top of a multitude of other things, unequal 'free' time etc, he went fishing all Friday afternoon, night and sat morn as well as all day 4.30am to 9.30pm yet, I can't remember the last time I got to go to town alone etc, doing 90% of housework etc, I just feel so.... Unequal.
I've tried talking, he gets upset, says "oh, because it's all me" so I just end up upset and feel like we can't discuss it.

Wow, that is long. I realise there probably isn't even an answer. I just needed to let it out.

You know what the answer is... but are you ready to hear it from others?

I think I am. I'm all out of ideas.

It ain't just money management he struggles with, honey.

You will be infinitely better off emotionally, financially, and every which way without this self-entitled and deceitful twat in your life.

Take a tip out of his book of fishing - throw this tiddler back and get yourself a real catch.

It's not illegal to open a letter. The man is crap with cash and you can't afford him to carry on being in charge of any aspect of family finances. He's lying to you which is unacceptable but not necessarily malicious.

You need to confront him about all of it. The finances, division of labour, honesty, responsibility. All of that. Get him to come up with the plan of how you're going to take it forward. It may be 'we go and see CAB about debt management' but he has to start taking the initiative rather than putting his head in the sand or always expecting you to clear up his mess. Long fishing trip jollies and expensive luxuries like smoking are not OK any more

Corgito is considerably more tolerant than me

I take the view that if I'd wanted to be a teacher I'd make my living at it. As I have no leaning towards that profession, I take the view that life's too short for me to spend time teaching those I become intimately involved with how to behave and act like responsible adults.

If they can't cut the mustard in every respect - and show respect while they're at it - they're binned without ceremony.

I'm only tolerant to a point :) He appears to have had at least one chance to reform and blown it. I lived for far too many years with a man with a similar easy-come, easy-go attitude to money (although in his case it was a five-figure overdraft and lavish tastes) and I know exactly how stressful it is to feel like they're spending the money faster than you can make it. I also know how selfish, impulsive & deceptive these people are.

The one chink of light in your story was that he agreed to let you manage the finances for a time. A pathological spendthrift would never let you have even that degree of control. Make that a permanent arrangement and you may still have a relationship. If not, I think you'd be far better off solo. I know I was in the end.

I'm with Corgito, I wouldn't advise you to throw in the towel just yet.

Take back control of the finances. Cut up the credit card so he can't use it again, and agree that you can open all the post (I do this anyway with me and Dh as I will sort it straight away into file/shred/recycle/deal with it)

Do you think he could manage without that overdraft? ie, get the bank to reduce it down and not let him go over his limit?

Also, take some control, bugger off to town and leave your child behind. He has to look after her then and you can enjoy some free time. If you think he will object do it last second with no warning.

I think some people need to be left a list of stuff to do, my Dh is incredible but will walk past stuff sat on the stairs waiting to be taken up. But that is the biggest complaint I have so I keep my mouth shut. Leave him a list of housework to be done.

Just wanted to say a quick 'thank you' for all the advice. We had a long chat. I have sole responsibility of all money, including his accounts. He also cut up his credit card.
There's alot more going on but it's a start. Thank you

Well done Vagazzled!
It's easy for others to say give up, but it looks like you are willing to fight this one through and I wish you the best of luck.

Good luck, honey.

I don't want to rain on your parade but, as credit cards are so easy to obtain, I've got a sinking feeling you're going need all the luck in this world to turn him into something approaching a responsible adult.