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Original poster

I feel so bad about wanting to leave

18 replies

appleate · 07/06/2012 13:30

(d)h and I have been together for 12 years and have 3 dc. The past few months he's been working really long hours by choice. 10am till 11pm on the days I'm not at college and then covering for his boss (my dad) which means starting at 5am occasionally. I don't get on with my dad at all, he wasn't involved much when I was little and cheated on my mum often.
I've spoken to him about how im feeling but it ended up in an argument, he got all defensive and it ended up being all my fault.
He has struggled with depression for years and every so often he'll get in a mood, becomes like a different person and will say the most vile things. The last time this happened was a few months ago and I made it clear if it happened again I would ask him to leave ( just in a council house but it's un my name).
He spends very little time with the kids or me and I honestly think it would be easier for us if he weren't here. It's such a bug step though, just looking for advice I guess.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Corgito · 07/06/2012 13:42

A lot of people work long hours to bring in the money but most IME compensate by being extra attentive to their families when they can. The type that works all hours and doesn't spend time with their partners or families are just using work as an excuse to avoid being at home. He sounds like one of those people and also sounds as though he has no intention of changing. Being depressed isn't anyone's fault but it can be treated. Being depressed is no excuse for being 'vile'.... and you are not obliged to be his carer if he's making you miserable and doing nothing to address it. Life's too short. However, it's pretty normal to feel guilty about ending a relationship, even when it's not your fault.

It probably would be easier without him there even though he's not around much at the moment. You'd be able to be truly independent and get on with life instead of waiting for a personality change that is never going to happen. Good luck

amillionyears · 07/06/2012 13:50

What is your opinion as to why he is choosing to work long hours?

Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 13:52

Thank you for replying, I have two weeks at college left so won't be doing anything until then. I think I made my mind up last night for sure when he told me he's agreed to cover at work the weekend after I finish. This means leaving at 5am on the Friday, back hone at 10pm on the Sunday.
I wish I could fast forward the next few months and wake up separated but civil :(

OP posts:
Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 13:55

I think he's working so much as he enjoys the freedom. The job he does involves lots of waiting around, chatting and on occasion sleeping in his car (as I found out when I phoned and woke him up one day)

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/06/2012 14:07

His job sounds cushy.It sounds like,and I could be wrong,that in a way it may help his depression as he gets to work not much,but gives a bit of activity that he can cope with,and also gets paid for.
Was there a time when you had kids and he didnt have depression?What was he like as a dad then?

Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 14:24

Part of his job involves washing buses/cars. I don't see why he has to go over so early (his main job there starts at 5pm) in all weathers on the off chance he gets a few people interested.
This is the first time he's worked in 20 years (he's 18 years older than me). Before I started at college I'd work and he'd watch the kids. He's ok with them, sometimes short tempered and rarely takes then out.

OP posts:
Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 14:26

Even now when I'm at college Monday to Wednesday the only time he'll take ds2 (18mth) out is to pick the older two up from school

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/06/2012 16:28

Could this job be a bit of a novelty for him?
If it is the first time he has worked in 20 years,and he finds he is enjoying it,is he going a bit overboard?
Another thought has crossed my mind,a bit reluctant to mention it.You dont think there is anything at all illegal going on if he spends so long at work?
Back to the positive again,is he enjoying bringing home the money,doing all the earning?
And if he has been doing a lot of childcare,even though not being very hands on,is he glad of the break from it?

Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 16:51

A novelty? Maybe. I think he sees how my dad lives and misses the single life. My dad lives on site on his own, has a few gfs on the go and answers to no one.
Nothing illegal is going on, sure of that.
When we had ds1 we agreed one of us had to work and as he didnt want to I did. I've always tried to balance work and family, he just does as he wants.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/06/2012 17:30

I can now see what he gets out of it.
He gets out and about,his work isnt too taxing,no childcare,probably feels better depression wise than he has in a while,brings home the money,and probably feels better about himself than he has in a long while.

If we look at it from his point of view.

He has actually got a job and he likes it,and it is his first job for 20 years.
He has done quite a lot of childcare in the past but perhaps not brilliantly.
But now he has gone the other way and you dont see him.
Is he a black and white sort of person.An all or nothing sort of person?
How often have you talked to him about being left more or less completely on your own?

Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 17:54

I haven't spoken to him about it very often, mainly because when I do it turns into an argument and he gets nasty. I did last week and it ended up him shouting and swearing. He said "love you" as he went out the door in a way our 7yo would when he's gotten a row, just to make

OP posts:
Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 17:55

Sure I'd say it back.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/06/2012 18:21

Im thinking you need to write down what you would like to happen.
List how many hours you would like him to work,how oftne you would like him on his own looking after his children,how you would like the weekends to be.
If you had a clear idea of what you want and what you are prepared to put up with,and give it to him,he might just read it and talk to you about it.

Original poster
appleate · 07/06/2012 18:47

I was just working out there, he works (or is out the house) for at least 70 hours a week. I'll certainly try giving him a letter, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
appleate · 14/06/2012 12:07

That's me finished college and the 70 hours is going to be 80+ from Monday. Am I wrong to want out of this relationship?

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 14/06/2012 15:57

I think I'd leave someone who got "shouty and nasty".

Original poster
appleate · 14/06/2012 18:44

If I had a friend in this situation I know what my advice would be too. It's so much harder actually going through with it

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 14/06/2012 20:23

OP if you are really unhappy that is reason enough.

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