Need strength to move on :(

[AllyTN]

Have been with DP for 5 1/2yrs (he lives 1 1/2 hrs away). Found out 3 yrs ago that he'd still been seeing ExP all of the time he'd known me. He also had debt I knew nothing about.

I suppose I felt that what I thought we had was worth trying to save.. But last 3 years has been bad.. ok sometimes but lots of feelings of doubt & other, more minor things to deal with.. but have kept hopeful it would get better.

Now think things are not going to get any better & I need to move on. But it's very hard, with a lot of conflicting feelings..

Embarassed that I was such a poor judge of character, anger, frustration, disbelief.. Regret that I've wasted so much time since.. But very strong feelngs for him, wanting to pretend nothing happened & just go on as normal.

Part of me wants to end it I guess I know it's the right thing to do but it's so hard.. Dread the thought of lonliness & starting over again. No DC (we'd talked about it..) & at my age ending it will mean no DCs for me, so would need to come to terms with that too.

Would be grateful for any advice.. Am I doing the right thing & how to get over this?

Hi, have had similar experience. Was with exP for 17 years, no DCs...then discovered he had a well hudden drug problem, and an even better hidden OW with whim he'd fathered a child. Once I put all the pieces together, I left. Coincidently he was abroad at that time...by time he got home Id relocated my workplace and moved to another part of country. Ive not seen or heard from him since day I left. I too had worries of being on my own and was single/dating for 5 years. Met my DP in 2006 and gave birth to our DS 3 years later-I was 41 by then. My advice...mive on, and never look back x

sorry OP, it's a sad story, feel for you. I've also felt angry (with myself mainly) for wasting 3 yrs on a wrong r-ship, which was at the critical time when it was make or break with having dc. I'm nearly 42 now and feel it'd be too risky (plus wouldn't want to be a single mum as have no family living close). No discoveries about him but just realised I felt utter contempt for him as a person eventually (I suspected he was good at putting on a front but only later could confirm there was literally nothing good there). I went for an easy option when I could have tried to meet someone else seriously, or even considered being a single mum, but when you get used to something you get into inertia. I was never vrey maternal, but still am sad that I didn't have a chance at the right time to make a decision re having a child, whether I'd have gone for it or not. Your situation is worse if you did really have feelings for him (mine was really not love, even though it was easy to be with him). Did you consider becoming a single mum via IVF? if you strongly feel sad about not having a child, then you still have time to think about it - quicker to decide on that then to meet a new partner. At least you won't be lonely with a child!

Thanks so much for the replies.

I am really angry at myself for not suspecting anything/checking on him. I was totally swept away by him. Maybe I was naive about human nature.. but couldn't believe someone who seemed to me to be a normal, nice person could keep things secret for so long, deceiving 2 people he claimed to care about. He claims was 'tryingl to end the relationship with his ex & that they didn't have sex in the time he knew me.. Don't know if that's true.. but don't think it makes much difference, he was seeing her & in touch with her very regularly..

Sometimes I still can't believe it.. And I'm angry at myself too for wasting 3 years trying to make it work, yes, taking the relatively comfortable, easy option.. I think I know him (& his faults.. ) now, with someone new I could be deceived again.. Guess I must have come across as someone who could be easily deceived..

I have never been very maternal either & only ever considered having a dc with him. It felt right then :( Now I'm very resentful that he took that choice away from me.

I'm 42 in a few months too. I've thought about trying for a dc alone but don't think it's for me. Can understand women who do.. Meanwhile he has potentially another 20 yrs to meet someone & have children.

I feel it's a no-win situation. Leaving would be so hard.. with no guarantee of finding someone else (& certainly not in time to have a dc) staying is hard for so many reasons.. but there are some good times.. (and a slim chance, maybe of a dc).. It's a hard choice & maybe that's why I've effectively delayed it for 3 years :(

has he confessed about the ex, or have you found out by chance? what is he saying now? I suppose the only point of trying to save it is if he became guilty and now is trying very gard to put things right - otherwise, you'd just stay miserable. There is no guarantee that you would conceive with him btw, it depends on individual but some women take ages to conceive after 40, and you aer notlikely to start trying soon with him with all the issues to resolve. Still life without dc but a chance of a good partner better than you having dc and falling out with him, and then still being a single mum which yo udon't want - unless you'd both agree to have a child and coparent but not be in r-ship? that's if you can stand the sight of him!

'genuinely feels', not 'became guilty'

Thanks again for the reply :)

I found out what was going on through a phonecall from his Ex. He filled in the details openly. He has tried since.. But it's been rollercoaster of good times & upset. I still think back to occasions that were, in hindsight, suspicious.. But thought nothing of them at the time & that still hurts.

I know that there's no guarantee of having a child; that just adds to the uncertainty of everything :(

I don't want to stay & then don't want to go, often in the same hour! Don't want to lose the good times (& really good sex ) we still have.. And don't want to be alone & start over..

Can I ask, if you don't mind, how you decided to end things & how you coped?

Mum2Fergus - sorry to heat about the way you were treated. Great things got better for you!

Just wish I had a crystal ball..

OP, my situation was different, I really didn't want him by the end, I actually hated him and realised that I'm becoming very angry and unhappy and that's not what i want for myself! we split up a couple of times by my instigation also ,but got back out of habit and convenience, maybe still some attraction, but I tried dating others before that. Then eventually I became horrified that I'm wasting now years of my life on someone who I don't respect or even like anymore, I lost all the attraction by then so I couldn't wait to finish it. I also never wanted a child with him, I was just saying that if I didn't fall into this routine with him, I could have had a child with someone esle IF of course i met someone, or it'd be better to have been single and looking for something special. The bad thing is, it took me a while to recover as I just couldn't stop being anrgy with him and even more with myself that I wasted all this time on someone I never loved (and no one lese did for that matter as he treated his exes very badly - I made him run around me but there was nothing valuable in that really at all - I've learned that I HAVE to respect a partner and attraction is just not enough). In your situation, I'm still confused whether you have feelings for hom andlike him enough on everyday basis? sound like you still do as why would you want to continue? If it's mainly to have a child, and you like him as a person but not as a partner you could coparent and not be in r-ship. Is the 'misery; to do with this one lie (pretty big of course) or other things too? if it's generally 50-50 or more misery than good, you really should leave as it won't get better. If all is quite good but you ar recovering then give it a chance - does he really want the r-ship? and is remorseful - or not?

sorry for typos!