Talk to me about my marriage, not sure how im feeling :(

[relation]

Hello,

Have namechanged like a few others on here. Anyone here with words of wisdom about what i can do with my marriage, and trying to work out how i feel...

I feel its been such a long time since i felt truely happy.

We had our first child 4 years ago and since then has not been the same. He is really supportive but our ds has been a difficult child bless him, a crying baby, tantruming toddler, now demainding child and although we have fun with him life is a struggle.

I suffered from post natal depression although didnt realise it at the time but struggled to love being a mum.

My husband and i seem to clash and bicker so much more that what we ever did before we had kids, we never really did before and i have lost the will to fight for it anymore. I treat him like s*it at times and am sad at the way i speak to him but i feel so moody, short tempered and cross with him when he is stubborn and moody with me.

I feel i love him as a friend and father of my kids but not in love with him which makes me sad as i dont know what happened to us. We dont really have sex anymore and have only had sex twice in the last year.

He never initiates it and i am not bothered either.

Just before we married i found his history on the computer as on porn sites and chat flirt sites which is just not how i thought he was (forgiving the porn) it came as a shock to me.

There is just so much i dont know where to start so forgive my rambling.

Generally we get on ok and go out as a family and hes a great dad but the bickering and lack of passion and sexual spark is making me feel old before my time and giving me the feeling of is this it now for life? I dont want to feel like this forever ;(

What you are describing is something that happens to hundreds of thousands of couples after they have a baby.
Kids are hard work and yours sounds to be particularly hard work. Bickering starts because you are both tired and lack of sex starts because you are both tired. However whilst most battle through this after a year or so, yours seems to have dragged on for years.

What you describe was me and my exw years ago. It didn't end well with an affair(her) and separation.

If you don't want the same to happen then you need to do something about it now as you can't go on like this as we couldn't!

You need to talk to each other and possibly go for couples counselling which didnt work for us but could work for you.

Good luck.

Bickering is a bad habit like any other. If you're both conscious that you're doing it, you can equally consciously choose not to do it. Since fatigue and low-level health issues can often lead to irritability, make a particular effort to eat well with an emphasis on nutrition, sleep plenty and consider seeing your GP for a physical check. Maybe you could both take up some form of exercise? A shared interest that gets you both out of the house together could be worthwhile.

So you need to talk. Find some way to spend more time together as a couple without DS in the frame, agree to treat each other with more civility, tell each other what you appreciate about them rather than only picking up on faults. Worth a shot.

Hi Relation, sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
It is good that you have identified there is a problem but you definitely have to take action if you want to save your marriage.

My 24 year marriage broke up last year, I didnt think XH was particularly bothered about sex ... it had been going downhill since birth of DC, but I now realise that he was no different from most men, they need sex to confirm that they are wonderful,needed,important etc etc and if they are not getting it at home sooner or later they will go elsewhere (hence mine went off with OW).

I think it might be time for you to go for counselling together. Unless you can sit down and have a long intimate, honest chat about your feelings for each other, and be prepared for it to be painful.

Please take some action, for the sake of yourself and DCs. Divorce is not pleasant and if you & h still have feelings for each other there is still time to save things and make an effort to change things. I never got the opportunity

Is he still looking at porn and chat sites or did he stop.
If not,are you holding what he did before you got married,against him?

Thanks for chatting!

I dont know if he is still looking at them, i guess so since he uses in private browsing so no idea if he is. Naughty as it sounds i did once find a keylogger and it showed me what he was looking at and it was porn, as soon as i had gone out the house
Im ok with porn and was pleased to see he hadnt been onto any chat sites but if im honest im itching to find another key logger to really cheak whats going on. Sorry to actually admit this!

Not sure how i feel if he was doing it again, part of me wouldnt be bothered at all and i wouldnt blame him as maybe he feels the same as me.

We have tried to talk but he is adamant not to split up. We are both from broken homes and dont want this for our children. I think this is more me than him.

I used to love him so much and i know that changed when the chat thing came up as it happened twice. First time before we got engaged and the second time he did it was when i was on my hen weekend.

We were ok after we got married and i got pregnant soon after but when our ds arrived we havent got on as well as we did. We seem to resent each other and he talks to me like crap at times too ;(

I resent his stubborness and coldness with the kids, not listening to me, being sarcastic about things i ask for but then he is also loving with the kids and does lovely romantic things for me its so confusing :(

Through all of this i do love him but he feels like a brother or friend and not a lover.