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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me get through this stay with toxic mother

33 replies

Memoo · 06/06/2012 22:25

How the hell I got talked into this i'll never know but here I am with the dc staying with my mother for a whole week.
We got here on Saturday and the first day was ok but my dh had to go the next day so my mother real side came back out.
This evening I have sat sobbing in my room. It's like being a teenager again and I'm remembering why I left home at 17.
We're in a small village in Cumbria. There is a shop, a pub and that's it. I'm not even driving at the moment so I'm well and truly stuck until dh rejoins us on Friday evening and then still have to make it trough until Sunday.
I am just one critism about my parenting away from hanging my self from the rafters.
How the hell do I get through this?

OP posts:

Ishoes · 07/06/2012 12:38

You are contradicting yourself op-you say your mum is good with gcs then point out that in fact your eldest knows your upset and it effects him-which is it?

Personally I would insist that when dh returns that you are leaving immediately and wont be returning and time soon-you are an adult and for your families sake should cut ties.

Original poster

Memoo · 07/06/2012 13:09

You're right. She isn't good for the dc at all if my upset is distressing them. It seems short sighted but I've never thought about it like that before.

I'm so confused with it all. The way she treated me as I was growing up has really affected my self esteem and I almost don't know my own mind because she controlled everything I did. It was always about her. My feelings never came into it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Memoo · 07/06/2012 13:10

You're right. She isn't good for the dc at all if my upset is distressing them. It seems short sighted but I've never thought about it like that before.

OP posts:

Ishoes · 07/06/2012 16:04

I am estranged from my mum and have been for 4 years. At times it is upsetting particularly as she used to be close to my eldest dc. But as time has passed I have examined more and more her behaviour-both when I was a child and as an adult-and concluded that actually she didnt make me feel that good about myself-pretty shit in fact.

You have to concentrate now on your dh and dcs-they are the family that matter to you and you cannot let them be dragged down by your toxic mother too.

Original poster

Memoo · 07/06/2012 16:59

If you don't mind me asking how did you manage to cut yourself off from her? Did you have to ignore phone calls or visits from her? I imagine my Mother would be really angry and forceful.

My family is so disfunctional. My brother and sister have managed to get away though. My sister has actually emigrated to Australia!

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 08/06/2012 08:59

You could start by getting caller display and not answering calls from her, unless you want to.

Don't have her to visit, or go to stay with her. Instead if you want to see her, arrange to 'do' something with her as a family, e.g. go and visit the local national trust house or something, so that it is time bound, there is a diversion to distract her from focusing on you, and there are other people about. If distance is a huge issue, book into a B&B. I think the danger lies when she is in your territory (because she won't respect your boundaries), or when you are staying at hers - because it's a matter of her house, her rules, and she thinks she can control you.

You don't necessarily need to cut off all contact, just be clever about the contact you have. You need to be prepared for the backlash though, when you try to change the status quo she will not be happy.

Chin up, dh will arrive tonight like a knight in shining armour, ready to whisk you off on his steed.

Ishoes · 08/06/2012 09:23

In reply to memoo-actually she disowned me-as did my sister Its a very looooooooooong story-short version it was over an inheritence. They basically wanted me to take their "side" and disown other family members. I refused as am an adult and dont do "sides" So they disowned me.

That was four years ago and I now only see my mum a couple of times a year-usually kids birthdays and christmas. I havent seen my sister in over 2 years which is a bit sad as it means I dont see my nephew either.

I have never had a proper mother/dd relationship with my mum-we lived with gps and she basically gave all the parental responsibilty to them. She also subjected us to abuse from our stepdad and then when I tried to confront her on it years later she blamed it all on pnd and wouldn accept any responsibility-sorry this is turning into a hijack now!

If your mum gets angry then that is all the more reason to cut contact-dont answer the door/phone is she is being abusive. Write her a letter explaining why you need a period away and that she is not to contact you.

Good luck!

Snorbs · 08/06/2012 10:08

Sometimes she is really nice and I let my guard down again only to be left feeling hurt and really disappointed again.

The nice/nasty cycle is typical of abusive behaviour. Maybe part of the answer is to not let your guard down with her. At all, ever. Her being nice to you is just her getting a good long run-up before being nasty again. Next time she's nice, try not looking at it as "Wow, mum's actually being nice, maybe she does approve of me after all!" but more "Brace yourself, she's going to stick the knife in soon."

I'm sorry she can't be the mother you want, and should expect, her to be.

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