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Original poster

Shall I confront DH about his googling?

30 replies

NomenMutante · 06/06/2012 21:43

Have name changed for this, as my "D"H knows my posting name.

He has a number of friends and acquaintances that he has met through a hobby of his. He recently mentioned to me that one of these is a woman who is a burlesque dancer. Not too sure what one of these is really, so I didn't think anything of it.

Then I was using our laptop today and he had left a page open with details of this woman and some performance she had done. I looked at the browsing history and he had been googling her name and following various links with pictures of her, reviews of her shows etc. Some of the pictures, whilst not pornographic, were of the more exotic nature, eg, tassles on nipples kind of thing.

He then came in and he could see that I would have seen the page he left open. He looked a bit shifty. I just left it open and carried on doing the online shopping that I was doing. I decided to not say anything. Then later in the day, I looked at the browsing history and he had been looking at the same sites again.

I'm feeling very sad. He obviously has a thing for this woman. I am torn between asking him about it and telling him how hurt I am or just keeping quiet to see if I can "catch" him out chasing after her somehow. He is obviously a bit stupid about covering his tracks and I don't want to just put him on guard. But I don't know if I've got the fight in me for this. Things haven't been brilliant between us lately, and it seems he is looking elsewhere. We've been together 20+ years and have 3 DCs.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Lueji · 06/06/2012 21:52

I'd just monitor it for now and see if he does it again.
It's possible he was just curious.

But, by not mentioning it, you have given tacit approval.

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 06/06/2012 21:55

To be honest, if he knows her personally then it's probably just quite natural curiosity/fascination. If all else is well in your relationship then I wouldn't dwell on it too much as it probably won't come to anything. Just keep your wits about you though.

Pontouf · 06/06/2012 22:03

I'm not sure this is neccessarily as major as it seems. I think if I met someone who had a job like that it'd be very tempting to have a quick google. Just out of idle curiosity. This may well be what this is. If I were you I'd probably have a chat about it with him.
Your reaction seems a bit extreme, no offence. Does he have form for being unfaithful?

sarahseashell · 06/06/2012 22:05

Yes I'd ask him about it, why not?
feckin hate 'burlesque' (not that that's relevant Smile)

Teeb · 06/06/2012 22:08

Yes, I would agree with others that it doesn't mean he is looking elsewhere. If I were to meet and know someone personally who did something like that, I admit curiosity would get the better of me.

Original poster
NomenMutante · 06/06/2012 22:10

Yes there is a bit of form, from ages ago, but might make me a bit more sensitive than I would otherwise be.
I am inclined to be up front and mention it to him... but I can't make my mind up.

OP posts:
heather1 · 06/06/2012 22:11

imo little difference between burlesque and stripping. Just my take on it tho.
I wouldnt be very happy about it as would be talking with my DH so find out how he really feels. Maybe in a neutral location while kids looked after by babysitter.
I hope that things get better between the two of you. 20+ years is a big achievement.

Vicky2011 · 06/06/2012 22:12

As others have said you don't have enough information to know this is anything other than curiosity. I know a couple of people ( one male one female) who have, shall we say, sideline professions and I have googled them both. I do not intend to sleep with either of them.

squeakytoy · 06/06/2012 22:13

If she is someone who is googleable, then it is probably just nothing more than curiosity simply because she is someone that he knows in real life.

Original poster
NomenMutante · 07/06/2012 07:43

Thanks for the different perspectives. I wish I could react differently to this, but it has upset me. It was the fact that he visited several pages and went back a second time that makes me think he has a thing for her.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 07/06/2012 07:48

I would definitely google her if it was me as I would interested

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/06/2012 10:09

You have the right to feel like this. I would be upset too - its a bit more than idle curiosity I would agree. It does not help that he has form.

I think you have two options here:

  1. Confront H and explain your feelings - the problem with that is that he may start being more secretive and cover his tracks, especially if there is more to it than being curious.
  2. Keep an eye on things and snoop around - you can only do this for a short time otherwise it will drive you crazy.
pinkyredrose · 07/06/2012 10:12

You need to get a grip. He hasn't covered his tracks because he hasn't done anything wrong.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/06/2012 10:15

Or maybe because he didn't think she would check - some men really are that stupid....

doggiemumma · 07/06/2012 10:22

a facebook friend of mine had a burlesque dancer as a friend, i totally stalked her profile - because i was interested by it, she was stunning and i like the burlesque thing. Im not gay, not interested in her in any way other than as a performer. Maybe its just the same thing for your hubby. But you have to say something, the fact she is a friend of his would make me uncomfy, but if i had a friend who did this (or a male stripper for equalities sake) id google like mad too.

Mumsyblouse · 07/06/2012 11:47

I would be upfront 'wow, is this your new friend?' Chat about it. I don't like secrets, and it could all just be fun to see a friend all dressed up (admittedly in nipple tassles). The hidden aspect of it (not that he has really hidden anything) would worry me, don't give that a chance to develop.

likeatonneofbricks · 07/06/2012 12:01

I don't think it's innocent at all. The best scenario is that she became a fantasy material for him (as OP says things not brilliant between them), at worst he may make a pass but the woman probably won't be interested. I can't see how does this compare with women googling their femalefriends!? if he keeps visiting her sites daily, of course he has a thing (plus been unfaithful before), the questions is whether to let it be and it may just pass, or to confront him. I bet he wouldn't be comfortable if OP started googling a make friend and staring at his pictures in underwear all the time.

likeatonneofbricks · 07/06/2012 12:02

a male friend

perceptionreality · 07/06/2012 12:09

I think you need to speak to him about it and get it out in the open. Otherwise it could progress from him being curious about her to him trying to him having an obsession.

While you say nothing his thoughts could progress to him trying to do something with her.

If you confront him about it, he will be forced to wake up to what's going on.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/06/2012 12:09

The op never said he did it daily she said twice.

He maybe didn't cover his tracks because he didn't need to, it was just something he was looking at, not a secret.

It's not a dating site or hardcore porn, maybe he was just curious.

Have you never googled anything just out of curiosity that another person might wonder why?

Tbh I think the fact you are checking his browsing history suggests you have some trust issues, which is understandable if there have been problems in the past.
I would think that is what you need to confront, not the fact your husband was looking at a website of a woman he knows.

I personally would not have an issue with my DH looking at a friends website, if one of my friends was a male dancer, my DH would not have a problem with me googling him.

However neither of us check the others browsing history, so again, I go back to trust being a bigger issue than the actual website IYSWIM.

likeatonneofbricks · 07/06/2012 12:24

it's only a start though, she did say he looked a lot already, lots of it in history, and if he only just started then it may well become daily now. He also looked 'shifty' as she put it, if he was looking for curiousity he would have shared it with her as a joke/something light hearted. Come on, it's not just photos it's her nearly naked and provocative poses.

perceptionreality · 07/06/2012 12:27

The point is that if he keeps googling her name and he sees her then he obviously has a fixation.

This would really annoy me. It isn't like googling a celebrity who you'll never meet.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/06/2012 12:31

He shared the fact he had met and got to know this woman and the job she does, why do that if he was hiding something?

perceptionreality · 07/06/2012 12:39

It's quite common for people who are having an affair or thinking about having an affair to mention the person to their partner. It's one of the things to look for, apparently.

I am not saying he's actually having an affair of course. But the seed is there and I would be wanting to do something about it.

Pearla · 07/06/2012 12:46

Just a quick thought - you say you checked the browsing history later that day and he'd visited the sites again.

Could the second visits actually have been you when you were making this discovery and looking through the websites yourself?

Sorry if that sounds patronising but it's something you might be overlooking as you're feeling emotional about his interest in this woman.

I personally wouldn't read too much into it. Just talk to him about it, see what he has to say. He might have just been intrigued and wanted to see what else/other shows she had been in.