I?ve been with my DH for 17 years, we have 2 dds (9 and 5) and a DSD who is 19, she has lived with us since she was 9. To give an idea of the history this thread probably explains it. I?ve posted quite a number of threads about my DSD and the problems she?s had since the incident and her drinking over the past 4 years, under my various names. I usually post them in chat so they disappear, so I only have the above one to show as a reference.
I have a reasonably close relationship with her (or I did anyway), she has confided in me a lot in the past, when she hasn?t wanted to confide in DH. I?ve also let quite a lot of things go without telling DH so she wouldn?t get grief from him. In turn I?ve also confided things in her over the years and she has kept the information to herself.
She hasn?t really spoken to DH properly since the above incident (in previous thread). Last Sunday morning she sent DH a really long text about how she felt like she didn?t have a dad 
and how he was never there for her. Honestly he is such a good dad to all 3 girls the idea that she could feel like she didn?t have one was just totally insane if not completely insensitive as DH himself grew up without a dad (and had a very neglectful abusive childhood from his mum) and her boyfriend lost his own dad 2 years ago. So how she can feel like she hasn?t got one is just such a horrible thing to say. She also said she was a bit jealous of his relationship with the younger dds (why 
) and his relationship with me. We?ve been together since she was 2, her own mother is terribly abusive and she has more than once said to me that I?m more of a mother to her than her own mum ever was. That he always manages to find the money to go out with me but never to take her out.
And how she was hurt because I was talking about booking a possible holiday abroad for me, DH and the 2 dds, she felt left out. To put this into context, DH and I have never been abroad together in 17 years we?ve been together (last time either of us went abroad we were teenagers before we met) and out dds have never been abroad either. Our holidays have consisted of trips to Blackpool and Wales of all but 1 which she came with us. She only didn?t come to the last one 3 years ago because at nearly 17 (then) she felt too old and wanted to stay home. We can only (possibly) afford to go abroad this year because DH is being made redundant and is getting a payout. DSD on the other hand has 2 trips abroad booked for this year both with her boyfriend (one to Belgium and 1 to Mexico), she went abroad twice last year (once with her boyfriend, other time with friends), went abroad the year before that, and the year before that. She funded all the trips herself. She currently works full time, we don?t ask her for any rent and even pay for her to have Sky in her room. She went abroad numerous times as a child with her (maternal) grandparents including 3 trips to Florida. So how she can feel left out and hurt that we may be going abroad without her is beyond me!
I was fuming after DH told me about the text. He refused to reply as he didn?t want to be drawn into an argument. I on the other hand stupidly text her and ended up getting into a war of words with her. An hour later she stormed into the house (she had spent the night at her boyfriend?s). We were all in the living room watching a dvd. She started ranting and raving at DH, screaming crying, pushing at him effing and blinding. The kids sat there with their hands over their ears. I pulled them both upstairs, so they wouldn?t have to listen to it (again)! As I was leaving the living room I told her to calm down, she was being hysterical and having another tantrum. She screamed at me that it was none of my business it was between her and her dad and if I didn?t fuck off shed tell her dad all the things I?d confided in her.
I put the music on full blast upstairs but we could still hear her. I ended up walking out with the kids and getting a taxi to my mum?s as I couldn?t let the kids just sit upstairs listening to her ranting and raving. She tossed over the coffee table, threw dd2?s little chair (it?s 1 of those wicker kids chairs from Ikea) across the room several times, so now there is a big dent in the ceiling and dd2?s chair is broken. 
She eventually calmed down and her and DH sorted it out. She then went out and DH came and picked me and the kids up. He?s supposed to be taking her out sometime at the weekend, although he doesn?t know when as she?s busy so will let him know.
I?m usually very supportive when she has these type of outbursts as I know she has a lot of pent up anger that she can?t necessarily control. But I feel like this is the last straw. She absolutely refuses counselling, says she?s fine etc. But these incidents are becoming all too common it?s effecting the whole household. I don?t want my kids growing up with these types of violent outbursts, I certainly would put up with it from DH so why should I put up with it from her? I feel like she?s holding us all to ransom and we?re walking on egg shells in case we say something to upset her. I can?t carry on living like this.
The way I feel atm I feel like I want nothing more to do with her. I know that is unreasonable and will probably pass in time, but it can?t carry on. I?m going to end up having a bloody breakdown! I had to sleep in dd2?s bed on Sunday night as she kept waking up crying saying she was scared. 
DD1 has ASD and this just makes her retreat into herself completely.
I want her to leave TBH, I don?t want her living here anymore. She could quite easily move into her nan?s house, so wouldn?t be on the street. I spoke to DH on Sunday night, and said I wanted her gone, but I knew I couldn?t say that without putting him in an awkward position as I couldn?t ask him to choose between us. So if she did it would probably mean DH and me splitting too. I don?t want to lose my husband and my kids to have a weekend dad, but I can?t continue like this. He begged me to give it more time, give her another chance. So I agreed but I?m already struggling. I can feel my depression coming back, (came off the ADs 3 years ago now). And the first thing I can think of when I?ve woken up these past 3 mornings is a glass of wine. I haven?t succumbed because that is definitely not a road I want to go down but have a 1 glass the past few nights.
I?ve been civil to her when I have seen her which is briefly as she?s always off somewhere or going to work. (I don?t know if that?s because she feels awkward/guilty or not). I feel I don?t want to do any of the things I would normally do for her, wash her clothes (which I still am albeit begrudgingly) changing her bed etc. She did text me after the argument apologising for shouting in front of the kids, which is good. But I know it will happen again, I?m 100% certain of that. If she doesn?t find a way of dealing with her anger at what happened to her this is just going to continue.
I?ve always treated her like she was my own (which is why I was so bloody angry at what she said in the text) but I just don?t feel able to do that anymore. She?s an adult, she needs to be responsible for her own emotions. I want to be able to help her and support her, but I just don?t have the strength anymore. I need to protect my dds from the outbursts and my own mental health. But I feel if I do that is basically means the end of my marriage. I want to cry, but physically can?t! I just don?t know what to do.