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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bit of a weird thing happened and I'm not sure what to do, if anything (parents related)

27 replies

KittyLit · 06/06/2012 13:11

Apologies for the rambling thread title but couldn't think how to put it succinctly. Have also name changed for this.

I am a single parent with primary-aged DC. The other week we went on holiday with my parents to a caravan. On the last evening we went inside and I was stood just inside unlacing my shoes, with my hand resting on the edge of the wall - except it turned out it was the edge of the door, and as my mum came in she shut the door hard on my fingers. This trapped three of my fingers on my hand, which was such an unexpected shock and pain that I literally screamed in agony. I was stood nursing my red/purple fingers with dents in and I was shaking with the shock and pain of it and feeling a bit sick. Clearly it was an accident, but instead of saying 'Oh I'm so sorry, shall I get you some ice' or something like that, my mum threw a massive wobbly, stormed off into her and my dad's room, threw herself on the bed and started sobbing. I was a bit surprised at the over reaction to say the least, and could hear her saying things like 'I can't do anything right', in between sobs. My dad went in and came back out within a minute - he said she was saying that she knew she shouldn't have come and he's hardly spoken to her all week and other things like that. Clearly nothing to do with my trapped hand.

So after a few more minutes my dad went back in and I went in too. She was going on about how her mum had probably been right, she should have listened to her as she never wanted my mum to marry my dad, that she probably shouldn't have married my dad because he's too quiet etc., all while my poor dad is stood there wondering WTF is going on, as am I. I said if they have issues they need to talk and sort them out, and she was saying how he won't talk about things etc. My DC witnessed the whole thing btw.

Thing is, after that it was like there was an elephant in the room because the problem is they don't really talk to each other in much depth, it all seems (to me as someone who no longer lives with them) to be very superficial between them. The whole incident was all kind of glossed over and when I was packing to come home shortly after, my mum came into my bedroom and started telling me all about how she feels they've drifted apart and how they don't talk etc. I just said if it's that bad then see a relationship counsellor, because I didn't know what else to suggest. Also I know this is going to sound heartless but I've got enough of my own shit to deal with (on waiting list to see a counsellor etc). Nor do I want either of them thinking I'm siding with the other person and I don't want this to affect my DC.

I'm not sure if trapping my fingers triggered these other feelings/issues she's having about her and my dad, or whether this was my mum deflecting away from me, because quite often when things happen to me (good or bad) she makes it about herself, or she'll have done it better/more often/was more ill, or will know someone much better/worse. It's almost like she can't acknowledge me in my own right, iyswim (and I know that doesn't make much sense!). I could be reading way too much into this though, I don't know. I do know, however, that I'm unsure where to go from here because you can bet your bottom dollar that this whole thing will be brushed under the carpet and never mentioned, so what do I do now? Do I mention it and ask if they're ok, or do I just pretend it never happened? In case it's relevant, I'm in my late 30s and they've been married well over 40 years.

OP posts:
Corgito · 06/06/2012 13:21

They've obviously been having a few problems in their relationship, she's feeling gloomy about life in general (either as a result or coincidentally) and slamming your hand in the door was the straw that broke the camel's back.

My own parents are lovely people individually but don't get on, despite having been married for 50+years. The tension occasionally spills over into stupid incidents.... eg. an innocent question about holidays that turns into a door-slamming barney of the 'you never take me anywhere!!!' variety. It's really not about you... stay out of it :)

susiedaisy · 06/06/2012 13:24

Yep sounds simulation to my parents as well and agree with cogito stay well out of it they need to sort it out themselves, holidays can sometimes bring things to a head!

susiedaisy · 06/06/2012 13:24

Sorry corgito Smile

susiedaisy · 06/06/2012 13:25

Similar not simulation! must remember to read before posting, bloody iPhone!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2012 13:28

Your parents relationship is a very complex, dare I say toxic, relationship that you would do well to stay well out of. It sounds like she is very dominant and he is her enabler. You did not make them this way.

Your last paragraph is very pertinent; toxic parents often make it all about them. Infact so do narcissists; have a read of the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers as these people often are self absorbed and do exactly what you describe in your paragraph.

You may also want to post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread too re your parents.

BTW if you are on a waiting long list for counselling, BACP do counselling and do not charge the earth.

LisasCat · 06/06/2012 13:32

Step away, and as you step away, tell them that you're stepping away, and do not want to be dragged in to this.

As someone who tried to mediate between warring parents because, as I saw it, I was an adult and now old enough to do this without being damaged myself, I can tell you it never ends well. You can never be impartial, or at least you can't in their eyes. No matter how much you try to be even handed, they will always see minor discrepancies in the way you treat the other and think you're taking sides. Let them get on with it and just give you summary updates. You are not to be their shoulder to cry on, they need to find other, less involved people for that role. You are not to be their sounding board for how unfair their life is. Remind them, it doesn't matter whether you are 3 or 30, you are still the child of this relationship, and not their counsellor/solicitor or even their friend.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but boundaries get blurred so easily if you try to offer one of them assistance. Think only about the relationship you want to preserve with each of them individually, and focus on that.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 06/06/2012 13:33

How's your hand?

also: everything Attila said.

whereismumhiding · 06/06/2012 13:40

You mum was being a bit of a cow. She didnt even stop to ask about how your hand was. Has she since?

I would stear clear of the stuff they have going on. Remind them they are adults and to keep it away from DC's ears.

Corgito · 06/06/2012 14:16

BTW... please resist temptations to amateur shrink your parents with labels like 'toxic' and 'narcissistic'. Enforced closeness in a caravan would try anyone's patience, most couples have tiffs from time to time and some people get on very well precisely because they don't discuss everything in enormous depth.

TheBolter · 06/06/2012 14:30

TBH, I feel sorry for your mum and I am amazed at the adice on here is to be apathetic and to stay out of it!

I consider my parents to be my friends in many ways and if I felt that one of them was having a tough time then of course I would be concerned. It sounds as if your mum has been stewing for years over this, and it all came out in the pressurised environment of a caravan holiday.

I I were in your position I would talk to my mum about this, and suggest that she finds ways to sort it out. If your df refuses counselling (and I think a lot of people would - my dh would for a start!), your dm has to take control here. I would tell her to make a choice by a certain date, to stay or leave. In that time you will be there for her to talk to. Set boundaries as to how much you will talk though. Tell her you have probs of your own and that you need to work through them yourself at the mo, therefore you are not just there at her beck and call. Tell her that when the time comes to make the decision, you will help her whatever she decides... but if she decides to remain apathetic then you will not be there to help her indefinitely. You need to make it clear to her that she has a choice and that you will support her, but you will not tolerate endless pontificating over the matter if she is unprepared to do anything about it.

TheBolter · 06/06/2012 14:30

amazed that the advice.... excuse typos.

Snorbs · 06/06/2012 14:38

So you got injured and your mum immediately conjured up a whole heap of drama to make both you and your dad flutter around her rather than anyone paying you and your injured hand any attention. And this kind of behaviour is commonplace with her.

I think your suggestion that they attend counselling is an excellent one. They won't take it up of course as this really wasn't so much about any recent changes in their relationship, this was about your mother needing to cook up some fast drama to get the attention on her rather than you.

I think LisasCat has the right of it - back well away from this.

I hope your hand gets better.

Corgito · 06/06/2012 14:43

It's not 'apathetic and staying out of it'... it's respecting other adults' privacy to manage their relationships their own way. It's dangerous enough to interfere with friends or children where you have a natural connection with one partner more than the other. It's nigh on impossible with parents where you have equal loyalties to both parties. Unless you are specifically asked for advice or involvement it is never a good idea to get in the middle of a spat.

susiedaisy · 06/06/2012 14:56

but it's not just one parent havin a tough time it's both surely!!! Therefore to remain completely impartial will be nigh on impossible especially I'd this drags on for several years! Hence my agreeing with other posters to stay out of the middle of it!

whereismumhiding · 06/06/2012 15:02

Sorry if my comment about your mum sounded a bit harsh. But i cant get passed the fact that your mum accidently caused a nasty injury to you, her daughter, and instead of seeing if you were ok, immediately went into a drama of her own. One that could have waited at least until she helped you fix your hand up.

Being an enclosed space etc. doesnt excuse that.
And you said she does this kind of thing often.
I think I would be as bemused about her behaviour as your dad.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2012 16:50

Kittylit,

re your comment:-

"Clearly it was an accident, but instead of saying 'Oh I'm so sorry, shall I get you some ice' or something like that, my mum threw a massive wobbly, stormed off into her and my dad's room, threw herself on the bed and started sobbing. I was a bit surprised at the over reaction to say the least, and could hear her saying things like 'I can't do anything right', in between sobs. My dad went in and came back out within a minute - he said she was saying that she knew she shouldn't have come and he's hardly spoken to her all week and other things like that. Clearly nothing to do with my trapped hand".

This has nothing to do with being in an enclosed space, this was a time bomb waiting to go off and it would have happened anyway. You also write this type of behaviour from her is commonplace, you likely grew up with this as well.

Again this is all look at me, histrioinic drama queen type stuff that people with narcissitic type personalities do. Its all done to draw attention to her own self again, she did not give a toss about your own injury to your hand. Also your comment that starts, "because quite often when things happen to me (good or bad) she makes it about herself, or she'll have done it better/more often/was more ill, or will know someone much better/worse. It's almost like she can't acknowledge me in my own right" are also big clues re her overall dysfunction which you have not caused. Her own birth family did that.

They will never do any counselling either, they do not want to and this will all get swept under the carpet again. Your parents get what they want out of and from this relationship so will not change. This is all part of their mad dance.

Walk away from the ins and outs of your parents dysfunctional relationship, this is very complex and you are not their therapist.

oikopolis · 06/06/2012 17:46

this is the kind of thing my mother would have done at certain moments in her life.

it's likely that your DM was on a knife edge of her own making when she did this to you, and just couldn't take having to care for you when she was feeling like she needed attention herself. it's selfish and shitty, but people are selfish and shitty sometimes, it's just how it goes.

let her and your DF fight their own battles. you could start thinking about why and how and wherefore they act the way they do, but there's no point really.

just stay disengaged. you can't help. in fact, by engaging, you would probably just make everything worse. adding more emotional energy to the mix just means the blowups get bigger, and the responsibility for them gets spread onto you instead of staying where it should be, i.e. with them.

i hope your poor hand is feeling better!

Triffiddealer · 06/06/2012 18:14

So your Mum cause you serious pain (by accident) and instead of finding out if you were OK started a tantrum, so that you and your Dad had to flock around her?

Kitty - regardless of the state of your parents' marriage, that's just not right. If I'd hurt my daughter (and trapping someone's fingers in a door - ouch!) the only thing I'd want to know is if she was OK. I'm guessing you'd feel the same about your child too.

Agree with everyone else. Look after yourself and your child. Let your parents sort their lives out.

KittyLit · 06/06/2012 21:17

Damn, just wrote a long reply, went to post it and it disappeared Angry.

Thanks for all the reponses and thank you for asking about my hand, which was very sore and tender for a few days but is much better now. My dad asked how it was at the time but his attention was (understandably) mainly on my mum and no-one has mentioned it since - my mum hasn't apologised for the accident as she probably thinks it was my fault for having my hand on the door in the first place and tbh it probably partly was or enquired about my hand.

It's been interesting reading all the varying responses. I agree that my mum's own upbringing has most likely had an effect on her because I know she has issues around her own siblings/family dynamic but she'd never admit to it, although it's obvious to me. One of her siblings in particular she seems to admire yet resent.

I've had a read of the Daughters of Narc Mothers site and the Stately Homes thread, and while there are many some things that resonate, my experience is nowhere near as bad as many on that thread. My mum definitely wears the trousers in their relationship but I'm yet to read up on what an enabler is, so I'll keep reading and see if it applies to my dad.

I've decided to keep out of it. I think that should be quite easy as I very much doubt this will be mentioned ever again. I'll keep an eye on the situation though because my parents do a lot of childcare for me while I work (for which I'm very grateful) and I don't want any of her/their issues to be picked up by my DC.

Right, off to read the rest of the Stately Homes thread.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 06/06/2012 21:26

Just as a matter of interest, let's say it happens again - mother accidentally injures you, she goes off in a drama-filled flap. What do you think would happen if your father and you didn't immediately go and indulge her? How do you think she would react?

KittyLit · 06/06/2012 21:42

I'm not sure tbh. I just think she assumes that in that kind of scenario she'll be the one being comforted. Can't speak for my dad but I couldn't really just leave her and not see if she's ok, as I'd feel really guilty if I did that.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 06/06/2012 21:55

Yet she obviously doesn't feel any guilt for just leaving you and not checking to see if you're ok, even though she was the one who (albeit entirely accidentally) caused you harm.

So you feel obligated to put your own hurt aside to comfort her whereas she doesn't feel the slightest need to do the same. And your father also presumably felt obligated to regard his wife's fabricated hurt feelings as more immediately important than his own daughter's actual physical injury.

Strange, isn't it?

oikopolis · 06/06/2012 22:55

i hope you can start letting go of the feeling that you need to care for your mother. she is an adult and if she needs care, she should be able to ask for it reasonably, not manipulate for it.

and she should be prepared for you to refuse to help her/run to her side etc, particularly at times when you yourself are in need of comfort and/or attention.

she was really quite nasty and manipulative in this situation.

i also find it saddening that you would accept that your dad just goes to her, no matter how you've been hurt or how you need attention. you're a person too and you had just been injured, he should have ignored her histrionics and helped you immediately.

lovelydogs · 07/06/2012 01:16

Sorry I have no insight in your situation op, but, I do have experience with someone who will not, under pretty much any circumstances, say sorry if he hurts someone. He'll act all sulky as if he's the one who has been hurt and everyone has to feel bad that we made him feel that way. I've never encountered it before, odd, very odd. If I cause pain to anyone my first instinct is to apologise.

HerHissyness · 07/06/2012 10:08

KittyLit, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

You may think that you don't have a place on Stately Homes, but you most definitely do. Sure there are always WORSE, but just ask yourself how YOU would feel if you slammed your child's fingers in the door.

Would YOU turn it all around and make it all about you?
Would you sob and wail and not even ask how your child was?

What would you have to feel for your child to do this to your DC?

How would you now feel about leaving your child alone with your Mum.... does it cross your mind that she would hurt HIM and not go to him?

Your mum is most probably narcissistic, it's just that you can't quite see it yet. What she has done is unforgivable to all of us here. Your father has stood by and watched her do this to you too.

I'm so sorry. You know what this means. Your parents are not healthy to be around, you need to get some distance between them and you/your family.

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