Should I contact my dad? (long)

[SPARKLER1]

Not sure where to start with this one. Basically I haven't been in contact with my d for almost a year now. I don't have fond memories of him as a child - he was physcially abusive to dm and I remember hearing all this going on through my bedroom wall at night time. d and dm divorced when I was 16 - which I still found upsetting even though they didn't get on.
My sister and I still visited d when he moved out - I still didn't feel close to him but saw him really because he was my "dad" and that's about it.
All through my adult years I still visited him occasionally, again just because he's my dad not because I wanted to see him particularly. As far as I can tell he has a drink problem, not sure how much as I never really spent that much time with him. You could pretty much guarantee whatever time I went to see him he would have a glass of whisky on the table.
He is remarried and we would end up speaking to his wife more than him. He would just sit cracking stupid jokes like we were still small kids thinking he was funny, when in fact he just got on my nerves, Everytime I left him and got home I would be upset.
My wedding was a civil ceremony at a hotel - dm was a witness. I didn't want my d to give me away but wanted him to take part somehow. Again, not because I thought the world of him but because I thought it was every girls dream to hold their dad's arm to walk down the "aisle" so he did this for me. I still refuse to say that he "gave me away" - dm did that as she signed the register.
The only time d would come and see us at home would be birthdays or christmas - usually a few days before the event, because the presents were in the way at his home. His w would never come with him. He would only stay for about 10 minutes each time as he said he had to get back for his dinner. We asked him why he couldn't have his dinner first and then come and spend more time with us. I'm not sure we ever got an answer for this one.
I have suffered with depression now for a few years (for many things not just d) and last year, after counselling, I realised that I had to start thinking of myself to get better. One of the ways I was going to do this was to stop contact with d.
After father's day and his birthday last year (I wasn't in contact with him then so never gave him anything) he phoned me. He said "hello it's your dad here - thankyou for my father's day card and birthday present" in a totally sarcastic way and then he put the phone down on me. I phoned back but his w told me he had gone out. I told her to tell him that I was willing to talk and to tell him to phone me if he wanted to. I never heard back.
My sister still visits him occasionally and he keeps asking her why I haven't been in touch. She tells him that she doesn't want to get involved.
I keep thinking about him and don't know if I should get in touch to talk with him. Dh thinks I should just move on.
Advice please - sorry to ramble on.

If you are thinking about him to the extent of posting such a considered and conciliatory post then I think you should take some steps towards a reconciliation..

it needn't be a big scene just a tentative contact

Guess I'm afraid of him upsetting me again - I think that's partly the reason why dh thinks I should move on. He has seen me tears far too many times after my contact with d.

I'm afraid I always think that if you feel emotional rather than cold or indifferent that you need to accept that in some way you miss him, but I expect others will say the opposite Your dh knows you best, but on the other hand his instinct will be to protect you from tears if he can..but although the tears might go on the outside you may still have that turmoil and regret inside

You're right. I just keep thinking life is too short - you don't know what's round the corner. If anything was to happen to him I might regret not having made that move. Then on the other hand I think maybe he should make the move. What's that word?....Hmmm?? Stubborn? LOL

I think we have had a sudden reminder that life is short, my parents are both dead so I know the truth of that..I hadn't seen my younger brother for more than 4 years and been out of touch (not intentionally)for about 2 years until I bit the bullet and rang somewhere I thought might lead me to him at christmas and he was there and spoke to me but sadly although I invited him to come and seeus I still haven't sen him but I was so glad to know he is still alive and the door is open

How close are you to your sister? Can you talk it through with her and does she know how you feel? Sometimes we just have to accept that our parents aren't the people we would like them to be and unfortunately won't ever be. If the counselling has helped you see this then maybe a relationship with your Dad is possible.

My sister knows how I feel and she knows what d is like too. He makes her fed up as well but she doesn't let him upset her as much as I do. She doesn't remember the problems dm and d had she was too little.
She still sees d but not as much as she used to.

How do you feel about your sister still seeing him? I can imagine it makes it difficult for you to try to put your memories in the past.

Personally he should be asking you and not your sister why you haven't been in touch. He should involve your sister at all - this is between you and him.

I think he will still continue to let you down if you want to have a relationship with him. He has been like this for many years and he shows no willingness to change or even to say sorry.

Do you feel guilty for he's like this and do you blame yourself for why he acts as he does?. It goes without saying you should not feel any guilt for his actions. He freely chose to do all that he has done.

You are upset at what he has become - he has been violent and has a drink problem. You did not make him like this - this was all out of his own choosing.

I do not unfortunately think you will ultimately have what you want with him relationship wise - a healthy father/daughter relationship. He is what is termed a "toxic parent". I would recommend you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may also help you move forward.

I feel absolutely fine about it - as long as he doesn't upset her.
He only lives about a five minute walk from my house so I'm amazed I don't bump into him.
I did see him about a month ago - I was at the checkout in the shop and he walked past the window outside.

MeerkatsUnite - you've hit the nail on the head there in your second from last paragraph. I know he won't change, he hasn't and never will. It's that bit of not having a father/daughter relationshop that I long for and will never have. It hurts.

I don't feel guilty at all for the way he is. I know I've been working hard trying the do the daughter bit but it's hard when he gives nothing in return.

I've seen Toxic Parents mentioned on a number of threads before and I think it is probably a good idea (for me too!).

Am glad you do not feel guilty for the way he is behaving.

I would still say he is a "toxic parent" hence the book suggestion.

Is your Mum supportive?.

I shall look for that book too - is it fairly new. Could I hire it from the library or would I have to buy it?

Mum is very supportive. I've talked to her about how I feel and she has told me that she has had to let me find out how he is for myself. She didn't want to stop me from seeing him.

Sparkler, I'm sorry to hear about this it must be very upsetting for you. I guess cutting off contact and moving on IS an option, if you feel you could do this without it being a constant worry to you?

Or how about contact on your own terms; does he have a mobile? Sometimes texting is a nice way to keep in touch without it having to lead anywhere.

Or perhaps get together on birthdays and christmas only?

It's interesting that your DSis manages to keep limited contact without getting so upset with him as you do. As you say, she doesn't remember some of the stuff you do. So it appears that it isn't his CURRENT self who upsets you (despite annoying behaviour!) but the issues of the past. Perhaps you could have some more counselling to look particularly at trying to leave that behind? Then his current behaviour may not be so bad for you, you may find yourself more able to take him as he comes - if he just wants to stay ten minutes, fine!

I really hope things improve for you with this, and as your DH says not seeing him is a real option if this makes life happier for YOU. x

You may be able to get it from the library - its been out for some time now.

Amazon.co.uk is worth a look as well if you have not used them before.

Sparkler, my goodness, I have virtually the same relationship (or not) with my dad, except that he lives 200 miles away, but near other family, so I do go there occasionally,
I can really relate to the 'seeing him because I have to' feeling. I think I have reached a status quo where I just see him out of duty maybe once a year.Like you I worry (for myself) that although I feel 'cold' about him now it will hit me like a sledgehammer when he's gone. But the truth is I don't want to go the extra mile to improve things. He's getting old, smokes tons and drinks copiously and pretends everything is hunkydory, in fact has downright denied some of the things that went on in my childhood. One of my brothers hit the nail on the head when he said now he's older and has his own family, he can't forgive dad for what he did to us and what he DIDN'T
do for us -and that it's dad's loss. Maybe that makes us callous, I don't know, but he's made us be that way
Dh, like yours, says sod him. I just try to concentrate on dh and the children and making sure our life never turns out like his. Keep strong!

Sparkler I think you should. My dhs father has just died and they had a very tricky relationship with him. My bil is torn with guilt as they hadnt spoken for a year and my dh is in denial as they ghadnt spoken for 4 months . The guilt is tremendous. Im not saying become best friends, do what ever you need to do so you donthave regret or guilt if anything should happen. It would make you the bigger person. It is very easy to say this with hindsight, i only wish i'd continued nagging dh. I'd given up as to be honest his father had put us through hell, he lived with us in poole for about a year.

Sparkler - I haven't spoken to my dad (or stepmonster) for years now, and basically its because they don't bring anything positive to my life - and thats what I would expect from a friend let alone a family member.

The things that they have done to me and my sister are horrific and even so I still feel sad that I don't have a normal mum and dad - it makes it worse that DPs parents are so bloody middle class and ordinary - I want to be normal and have that close bond and you will always grieve for that relationship but you also have to accept that there is never going to be the relationship that you want and if the one you get instead causes so much upset it is worth persuing an ideal that will never be.

Sorry to sound so down but I have been through something similar and been kicked in the teeth so many times that I now know in my heart that we are never going to have a relationship - but this is his loss not mine - he is an adult (far more than I) and he has a sad lonely empty life through his behaviour - whereas I at last without having to worry about how he feels or how something I do affects him have a very happy fulfilling life.

As for the present and card - if thats all he wants from your relationship and has to go home for his dinner rather than spend time with you and your kids - well that says it all - he should be there for you for far more!!!

Sorry to ramble on but I have been a SAHM for over a year now and I think the intelligent eloquent side of my brain has completely shut down

Sparkler1, I have been through a similar estrangement with my dad, who's a recovering alcoholic. Had lots of terribly upsetting run-ins with him as he can really go off the handle sometimes. I didn't speak to him for 18 months after a particularly bad episode. But in the end it was more painful for me not speaking to him and holding all this hate for him than it was to get back in touch. The catalyst for getting back in touch was when my little brother died. Life suddenly seemed too short and too transient. Could you not get back in touch but agree guidelines? I have told my dad how painful and upsetting it has been for me and that i cannot accept his angry outbursts.

Alcohol is a terrible thing, my fil had drink problems too.

I went through a similar thing with my father.

I spent years trying to forge an adult relationship with my father and being repeatedy hurt by his treatment of me.

Eventually I decided enough was enough and sent him a written ultimatum, which I copied my 3 brothers in on (one of his things was that he always tried to play us off against each other - divide and conquer) so that everyone knew how I felt. He was so wound up by it, though, that we cut contact there.

After a year of continual pressure on my brothers though I agreed to sit down and discuss the situation and how his behaviour needed to change (again). Effectively it went in one ear and out the other. A couple of months down the line I realised he was incapable of changing and haven't spoken to him since. He'd wrung my heart dry.

Dh now organises (infrequent) contact with ds, so that ds at least knows he has 2 gfs. If ds ever asks I will tell him why I won't have anything to do with him.

I guess what I'm saying is you have to really reach rock bottom before you can do such a big thing and you need to ask your self if you feel you've really exhausted every avenue. Otherwise you may regret it in the future. I now know I don't and won't.

Thanks everyone. It's amazing what a common problem this is with dads. What is it? I can't imagine dh being like this with our dds FFS!