Don't know what to do feel stuck

[oliviaandbrookesmum]

Been with my partner for almost 6 years I have a 8 year old daughter and we have a 4 year old daughter together. Admittedly I'm no angel but if I'm in the wrong il say so apologise and put it right.
My oh he is never wrong everytime I try and talk to him about things he turns it around so that it is me who feels guilty and it's my fault I end up apologising.
He is in and out of jobs constantly when he is out of work I get into to try and see us through until he finds work and then I'm the 1 to pay it back aswell as all the household bills.
He doesn't kiss or cuddle me unless he wants sex and then drops me like a hot piece of coal until the next time. Does nothing in the house unless he wants to and when he does uses it against me. He constantly tells me I'm useless and makes me feel like some kind of joke. Like most men pervs on other women Wich I don't mind but I do mind when he makes it clear what he is doing and kinda rubs it in my face by commenting about it.
It's got to point now I have no respect for him and it feels like it would be easier without because he is just a added stress he spends so much time telling the kids of and punishing them we walk on eggshells when he is at home. I don't know what to do I feel trapped and stuck like it's my fault because I let him do it but what choice have I got when I stand up for us I end up feeling like I'm the issue

He sounds awful. Does he have any good points?

Well neither of you seem happy in this relationship. And if your girls have to walk on eggshells all the time something has to change!
Not saying you should leave him but he sounds like a loser. And you are missing out on happiness whilst it's like this.
Most men aren't pervs by the way...everyone -male and female - looks at a beautiful woman, but they don't perv, and normal people definitely don't rub it in their partner's face! This is clouding your judgement on what a healthy relationship should be like!
Is there anything you can do to change this with him? Would he listen? I suspect not, but only you know if you can keep on living like this.
I feel for you, you sound lovely and I reckon you deserve better.

He bought me car when I passed my test but that in itself has caused problems as its used against me in a argument. There's other issues he really doesn't get on with my daughter and hates it that she likes her dad better then him but he has brought that upon himself by name calling her dad in front of her and he doesn't spend any time with her or show her any affection she asks for a hug and he'll either say no or if he dies hug you can see it's uncomfortable for him. There's so much that's happened thats led to me writing this post it would take all day to write it

O&B'smum. He doesnt sound great really. He sounds mean. Do you really deserve someone who is mean to you? And sometimes mean to your DC? Does he live with you? What would happen if you asked him to leave to give you some space to think?
Sometimes it is better to put yourself first and be on your own, even if for a short while, than live to pacify someone else's mean moods.

You're not trapped and you're not stuck - you just need to have the courage of your convictions, honey.

Make it clear to this utter arsehole that your reasonable expectations are the issue in that you're no longer going to put up with a substandard bellend who is as much use to womankind as a chocolate teapot.

You don't need him; he doesn't enhance your life in any way, shape, or form and, far more to the point, his behaviour is damaging to your dds who will grow up to believe, as you erroneously seem to do, that all men 'perv on other women' and that women have no choice but to be treated with contempt by their partners.

Any man who 'spends so much time telling the kids off and punishing them we walk on eggshells' is not worthy of being a parent and the sooner he's out of your lives, the better.

As for him 'never being wrong'; it's time for him to take himself off to live somewhere he can always be right without causing any further emotional harm to your dds.

Is car in your name? Besides, I'd remind him that you fed him and paid bills, when he wasnt working, so the car is least that he owed you. And you have a child together as parents so he has a responsibility to support them too including transport.

I have tried to get him to listen but he turns it all around on me. Leading to me feeling like it's pointless as it makes me feel worse. As far as he is concerned it's never his fault and he does no wrong. Is it possible to make a relationship work when 1 person does all the work and takes all the responsibility for the things that are wrong within the relationship. I know relationships are hard and you have to work at them I've been trying for the last 12 months since he betrayed my trust and blamed it on me. Surely they aren't meant to be this bloody hard

Sorry I havent any helpful answer but I wanted to reassure you are not the only person feeling this way. It is horrible when you realise the man you love isnt giving the same love back. I'm going through the same myself and tbh I want to put my head back under the sand, but posting on mn is helping me to stay angry instead of letting the bad behaviour slide again.

Izzyizin you made me laugh and cry at the same time with your wit and straight talking. I know what it is I need to do and i know me and my girls deserve so much more it's finding the courage to do it. I have found the courage to try and end it this week by telling him the relationship is broken beyond repair. I felt so bad for instigating the split I told him he could stay as but we are kinda back to square 1 with him cuddling me and I thought it was a bit of a breakthrough but then he tried to take it further and I said no it not what I want. Why can't a cuddle be just that. He got in a strop and stopped cuddling me. On the plus side he has been a bit better with the girls played with them and been a bit more relaxed

O&B'smum
He isnt going to give you the answers you need. He sees no need to change and it is an unpleasant tactic to blame you. You cant force him to listen or understand it from your point of view.
No, a relationship requires 2 people to give and take. If one person is taking all the time, making you feel bad, then it isnt a relationship but a prison. It doesnt matter how gilded the cage is, how much he buys you, whether you have company so you are not alone, if you dont feel respected and loved, then what is really in it for you?
If you wouldnt want a friend treated the way you are being, or a dog, then start thinking about life without him. Give him a deadline in your head and then take little steps to making changes.

OOh we cross posted. i can see you've started. Good.
Selfish men dont change unless they have no choice. He has been selfish and gotten into the habit of making you feel bad to make himself feel better. Partners dont do that.
Tell him what you expect and "trying" isnt enough. Dont feel sorry for him and let him stay.
Set out what will work for you and set up your life so that you can ask him to leave (where he lives is his problem, he's an adult and that would also be a good humbling lesson for him - probably work more than anything else once he has to worry about paying his own bills!) if he doesnt turn it around pretty swiftly.

From a single mother who lives happily with my 3 DC, I know that it is better to be on your own than with a man who makes you miserable. Better for DC too, to see their mum value herself.

I am busy, happy on my own and have more help now as a single mother (friends really come into their own) than I ever had as a marriedsinglemother.

(I also now have a really wonderful partner but was still happy on my own before I met him.. which is probably why I met such a kind man).

I've not seen anything in your posts that suggests you should stay in the relationship.
And of his unredeeming qualities the fact that you dds walk on egg shells would have me running for the hills.

Everythings in my name Wich means I can get him to leave easily but it also means I'm left with a lot of debt. He has only gone back to work within the last few weeks and I stupidly took out a wonga loan to put food on the table and to pay his car insurance and finance because as he said the car is the lifeline and he needed it to get to work. I'm thinking he shouldn't have walked out on his job in the first place but hey ho that wasn't my choice to make. He did agree to help pay this back in instalments. He isn't gonna do this if I ask him to leave. I'm also into my overdraft and behind in water payments. I just want to give me and my girls the best possible start to life without him so thinking of letting him stay till the debt is sorted so we can both walk away with no money problems. Worried that he will play nice and worm his way back in though. All you other lovely ladies going through the same it's so hard Not knowing what the right thing to do is thinking of you and thanks for all the support from everyone xx

Just dont take out- or let him take out- any more debt. What if he doesnt bring much money in, honey? you'll still be supporting him.
How much is that big loan? It's just that he's not making much money anyway.. I'm guessing you are expecting him to start earning quite quickly. Can you get him to admit in email that he owes you the money from car insurance and finance and will pay off the loans?
He might leave as soon as he gets some money.
Just make sure you dont get left high and drive, having helped him out.

I wondered where my ex had gone - sounds like you are with him now !!
I dumped the loser that treated me like this. I would rather be poor and single than with such a poor excuse for a man.
I now have a wonderful DP and even now I'm amazed at what I used to think was normal and just what all men are like!
Be brave - get away from him.
No excuses - he won't pay back the debt, he will just talk you into taking out more loans - that way he can control you and make you think you need him.
You and your girls will be happier without him

The wonga loan was for £250 but with interest on top is just over 300 and overdraft of 250 it may not seem a lot but I'm not used to being in debt and I know I will struggle to pay this back without any help. I could sell my car and pay it of that way if needs be. He gets his 1st wage Friday so will wait and see if he gives me anything towards debt i'll know where I stand then and can judge if he is as good as his word. In the meantime he is being quite nice and polite towards but I'm keeping my distance as the saying goes once bitten twice shy and Ive become hardened to him playing games with my head x

Sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but £550 is a bargain price to get rid of him.
You sound so unhappy. So trapped. I dont think you need to be really, as he could run up far more debt than that. You might want to cut your losses now (take the money on friday first though!).

Well-done for realising that you and your DD's deserve a better life. Don't fall for the nice act - you know it won't last.

There's been some nasty stuff in the news about Wonga recently. Your best bet is to go to CAB and arrange weekly payments without them piling on loads of interest. You will be so much better off financially and in every other way once you have rid yourself of this man.

Just an update ladies. Today I've asked him to leave and he has. You were right about getting no money of him I have had bare minimum and continued to pay for everything myself. He has lost his new job no surprises there. At the moment he's feeling very sorry himself as he has no money no job and no home but he has brought it on himself. So I now intend to sell my car cancel insurance and pay of debts. Although very upset I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Thanks for all your support x