Spending time together

[geogmad]

Me and partner seem to have less time together since he has moved in and he is having worries about splitting his time between me and his son who lives with his mom who he still has a good relationship with.

I have started prompting days out all of us - me, my son, partner and his son. Boys are 6 and 9 and get on well.

But there are times where I know he feels pulled both ways and am not sure on the reason. I know i don't help but i like to know plans in advance mainly due to money and travel arrangements. He has just told me that he MIGHT be spending time with his son tomorrow with his ex and her husband.

He did mention it last night but it seemed like he wouldn't and have therefore arranged a meeting and i have been bollocked for it. But like I said i was under the impression that he wasn't doing anything. He stated he thought I was taking my son out. With it being the holidays and I am unemployed I have all week to spend time with my son (I have him full time anyway as his dad is absent).

He moans that he doesn't see me even though we live together and evenings are usually spent on the sofa watching films or playing board games. he refuses to go to bed early in order to have a few hours with me after work. He visits his son everyday after work.

Seems bitty I know but those are the facts and my worries. Any help would be appreciated as to how we can spend more time together without it seeming that I'm trying to take precious time with his son away from him.

The basic problem is that he doesn't see you as 'us'. When you're in a partnership and living together, everyone has to be involved and decisions have to be joint or it just doesn't work. This is probably a good time to sit down together and set out a few ground-rules & expectations to help you adjust. Money, diaries, housework, discipline for children ... it's all got to be agreed or you'll keep bumping heads like this.

Thank you. That seems sound advice. I must admit I was sceptical of asking for advice on this site. I will do as advised just hope it doesn't go in one ear and out the other. :/.

Maybe one of the items on the table is how many days a week it's reasonable for him to go to his ex's house and how often his son comes to yours. Even if he gets on with his ex, are they really happy about him popping round there so often? If the contact arrangements were a little more formal/regular it might help everyone plan their week and get more time with their respective partners?

Corgito. He goes every day as his ex is now married to his brother and he was living there up until he moved in with me. They are both unemployed and never leave each others side so I can't really speak on their behalf but it seems they have enough time as a couple.

They are more than happy for him to go round. So much so they ask when he is moving back 'home'. Gets on my nerves a bit. His son has not been to our house on his own. Only once with his mom for his dads birthday. I don't want this to turn into a rant about exes as I hope the problem is something me and my partner can resolve ourselves.

Yes, OP he seems to have moved out in "body" only at the moment doesn't he. It all sounds a bit strange/ too pally over at the other house.

That sounds a very strange set-up to me as well. I'd have thought most brothers would be pretty pissed off if their partner? wife? got it on with another brother. Not all shack up together.

I really do wonder whether he genuinely sees you as family or just someone he lives with. He sounds a lot like a mummy's boy that gets married and moves out but scuttles back home to mother at every opportunity. Can't cut the ties. You can't ask a man to choose between a girlfriend and his son but I think you can reasonably expect him to have the boy to stay and not be constantly round at someone else's house. Be a family.

You might not want to make this about exes but that's a pretty central issue IMHO.
He is living with one foot in each house and time has come, now that he's moved in with you, for him to lay his hat in one place. My DH struggled with boundaries as he gets on great with his ex so was happy to go to her house but generally your DSS needs to spend time at your house.

At the moment you're the outsider as to your DSS, at home he has mum, dad and uncle.

Your DP sounds like he expects to come and go as he pleases but you be available whenever he wants you to be and at a moments notice.

You need to decide what you want out of all this and set about it, firmly. So re tomorrow, you could choose to stand your ground and say 'I'm sorry DP but I've made plans now do you'll have to adjust yours'.

it is a very weird situation but i knew what i was getting myself into. it took him 4 or 5 months for him to actually say yes to moving in with me after i asked. i will give him his due he likes to look after people and he was paying all of the bills in their house as i have already said they do not work.

he didn't go out with them all as a 'family' he went with me to a mortgage broker and got excited over the prospect of owning his own home, however his ex got a little pissy about him not going out with them even though she knows that he has moved on from her but not his son.

i did think that this was a problem between me and my partner but can see that it is just an extension of an interfering ex and before i get blasted for slagging her off she is a good mom just a pain in the arse ex!

thanks for the discussion and advice it has given me a lot to think about and i hope that i can offer you all some advice in the future :)

i am now a fully converted mumsnetter!

Oh dear. This all sounds rather messy. I feel for you OP.
He is still playing happy families with them rather than creating a family with you. I would be spitting!
Blended families are hard work but you have to put the work in! He should be bringing his DS to your home on a regular basis so you can all build a relationship. Buggering off to ex and DBs at every opportunity is outrageous! Yes, he wants to see DS but he has chosen to be a part of your family. He needs to be working on integrating his son into his new family.

Is he still paying their bills OP?

thank god he is not. he obviously pays child maintenance which i insisted on him paying. he pays half of the bills here which shocks him at just how cheap it can be.

we've had words as he is insisting on buying a 3 bedroom house with one room for his son but i said it would be pointless if it was not used!

we have decided not to marry and have taken steps to ensure that we do not have children together and i get the feeling that we are not taken seriously by his ex and brother. as they recently got married and are expecting.

it seems that it is me who makes plans such as cinema trips, going to the park, all the boy type activities i can think of in order for us to spend time together but i have refused to speak to her as i do not trust her which means that he has to go back and forwards

i have told him now that if i feel like doing something with my son and he feels left out or that i am leaving his son out it is tough luck now